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Things I learned in Jail:
1. You have to entertain yourself in jail, even if that means acting like a total retard.
2. Most of the jail guards are lesbians and have a stick up their ass.
a). It's all the inmates fault.
b). It takes FOREVER to get anything from the jail guards. Ask and you recieve two hours later. If you ask again before the two hours is up it will delay the process by another four hours.
3. The gap in between the shower and the floor is about two feet.
4. I learned what the term "throwed off" means. And, I saw it.
5. I learned that I'm "thicker then a Snicker."
6. Only in jail do they have an item on the Commissary list called an "antishank toothbrush."
7. You really can flush ANYTHING down a jail toliet. Seriously, try it.
8. In jail you have "bunkies" not "roommates."
9. The jail razors will shred you to pieces.
10. I learned what the term "shakedown" means. It means the jail guards search your cell and bunk for contraband. It really means "you wait about an hour in the visitation room for the jail guards to take all your stuff (so what the hell is the point of commissary if you're gonna take it away?) only to find your bunk bed unmade and the sheets and blankets wrapped in a ball."
11. Jail REALLY is nasty. Example: So nasty that there was a Staph outbreak while I was there.
12. Hospital food is better then jail food.
a). No one knows what the item on the breakfast menu "S.O.S" really means, but they have termed it "Shit on Shingles" because it's a hard, flat piece of bread in mystery meat, tasteless gravy and it really does taste like "shit on shingles."
b). They feed you just enough so you're not starving to death, but afterwards you're still very hungry.
13. There's no crying in jail. I never did because I already know that singles you out real quick.
14. You can tell who you want to talk to and who you don't very quick.
15. Other inmates will try to break you by bullying you, but seriously it's best to let it just roll off your back because why spend more time in jail for another charge over a petty fight? That might make me a pussy, but hell I want out of this hellhole.
16. The slang terms for jail are "Hotel Hell" or "The Sheriff's Hotel Hell" or "Motel 6" (because they leave the light on for you.)
17. The male jail guards either are arrogant pricks or have a "der" look on their face.
18. The "yard" really is a concrete hole with a basketball hoop.
19. Commissary is where you order items from a list from the money off your books and wait for them to be delivered to you. It isn't a store in jail.
20. Laundry consists of "personals" which is only white clothing items. Or you do it yourself by washing it while you're in the shower or you wash it in the toilet or sink.
21. Good luck if you have the top bunk. There's no ladders and it's really high off the ground. I'll be the one laughing my ass off at you while you struggle to get on.
22. Lockdown means you go to your cell and the gates lock you in and it only happens during bedtime, headcount, before meals, anytime when the jail guards enter your tank or shakedown.
23. The tank tv channels consist of the following: The evening news, The Steve Wilkos Show, The CW Channel, Criminal Minds (ironically) and So You Think You Can Dance.
24. There's more then one use for a hot pot besides coffee. You can make food.
25. Finally, it was believed by the other inmates that I have something called "swag." Thank you, I was wondering.
