THE YEAR'S BEST (actual) HEADLINES OF 2005:
Crack Found On Governor's Daughter
(Imagine that!)
Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says
[No, really?]
Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers
[Now that's taking things a bit far!]
Is There A Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[Not if you wipe thoroughly!]
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[Atta Kid!]
Miners Refuse To Work After Death
[Those good-for-nothin' lazy pos's!]
Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant
[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]
War Dims Hope For Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[You think?!]
Cold Wave Linked To Low Temperatures
[Who would have thought!]
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[They may be on to something!]
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!]
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
(He probably IS the battery charge)
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[Weren't they fat enough?!]
Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Tastes like chicken?]
Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]
Hospitals Are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
(Did I read that sign right? )
