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Five and a half years ago I moved out east. I finally came back last November. The hows and whys are unimportant. This is about my least favorite time of the year. Wich pretty much runs from July to December. I find I start to slowly shut down. Now everyone loses people and we all hit a point when life stops giving and starts taking away. I just didn't expect it all to happen so soon. It wouldn't bother me so much but I was two thousand miles away and it felt like everyone I knew was dropping off like flies. O.K. "everyone" is an exageration but it is still rough. Please don't think to much into this. I'm not looking for sympathy or support. These blogs are just a way for me to get stuff out into the open so I can try to gain some perspective. So please if you're feeling sorry for me.... stop. Pity never got anyone anywhere. Most of the death's were natural but most of thse were people that were barely into thier fiftys. My grandmother was mid 80's and lived a god long life. She passed away after my first year out east in august, one month before my oldest daughter was born. Then that following thansgiving I got a call that a friend of mine that I grew up with commited suicide. Sometimes I still find myself feeling responsible for not being around. After that the deaths just kind of snowball together in a blur. There were two uncles that passed away that following summer and one close friend of the family that also commited suicide come fall. Year three was pretty safe. Nobody died. Year four was fine until September. One week before I got married my grandfather passed away. I should have called the wedding off right then and there. Instead of getting divorced a year later. Then I got hit with another one two weeks after my wedding. My mother passed away at the age of 54. Seven people in five years and it all started after I left them. Now I have my own demons I carry for eachone but the worst of them all is the fact that of seven funerals I only made it to two. My mom and my grandmother. In all this time I also haven't been allowed to truely grieve for any of them Some of it is my fault but some of it was because I had more important things to deal with than grieving. I had a family to support. Now I realize that I was using that as an excuse to not face the truth. Cuase in my mind if I didn't grieve then they would all still be here. Sound's crazy and stupid doesn't it...... but that is how I dealt with it. Until today. Today I finally went to a few of thier graves to say goodbye. I still don't feel any better but it's a step in the right direction. So even though summer is supppse to be the funnest time of the year. I still don't enjoy it like I used to. Like I said though..... thats my issue to work with. So again do not see this as a pity party but as a way to gain some self perspective. If you have read this thank you and I'm sorry if it's depressing to you.
