The Successful Master
When I am mentoring a submissive about his or her life and relationship, the most prevalent cause of sorrow and/or difficulty that receives significant comment, is the transition from a virtual dominant-submissive relationship to a full-time, 24/7 real-time situation. I feel that there several reasons why this occurs in such a frequent manner. Online media demonstrates to us that dominating someone or submitting to someone is relatively easy and quite fun. All he or she has to do to be a very popular and admired online dominant is be aware of what keywords and phrases to say at what times. Any one of us dominants could be assuming a false online identity and easily have a huge stable of virtual subs swooning over us and vying for our attention, simply because we know the appropriate words to say. Novice subs who have discovered and/or decided to pursue and explore the source of their unfocused desires with respect to their human sexuality tend to be erotically and emotionally needy for any kind of control. They fall right over if an online dominant assumes a stern, forceful demeanor and cyber-presence and issue the type of commands that one may hear about in sadomasochistic pornography. Then, publicly, repeat all the basic tenets accepted by the lifestyle community at large as the highest wisdom. It is very easy to learn what these key lifestyle facets are and rattle them off like a parrot and build a reputation as a wise, respected, and loving dominant, a paragon of the sadomasochistic scene, if you please.
It is incredibly easy to dominate someone from long distance. It is so easy, in fact, that many folks who are not inherently dominant have discovered that if he or she can create this impression, these people can have numerous, non-committal online subs or slaves as they desire. It becomes problematic when such "dominants" start to become pathological and believe their own propaganda and begin to believe themselves as super-dominants, despite the fact they have never had any experience in controlling anyone in reality. This particular type of dominant archetype feels that actually dominating someone in a real-life situation is pretty much similar to virtual, effortless fantasy play that he or she conducts in cyberspace or on the phone. So considering himself or herself to be uniquely qualified, they command some poor love-struck submissive to uproot from their established life and environment and move in with them. When either he or she and their gullible partner are forced to deal with reality of dominance and submission, the disaster commences. That to actually dominate a submissive in real-time requires much more from him or her than the ability to create an erotic fantasy on a computer monitor or assuming a stern tone or to issue orders via the telephone or email. To a very compliant and willing part-time submissive who spends a significant amount of his or her life without a dominant. Very few people have what it takes to be a successful dominant, and true dominants are exceptionally rare, as many folks have the desire to control someone in a sadomasochistic fashion than possessing the ability to do it well. To truly have dominion over someone in real-time and full-time takes an immense amount of hard work on the dominant's part. A successful dominant because the rewards for him or her are worth it. It also requires information and wisdom, regarding what both a dominant and submissive must do to make this particular aspect of the bond work, which presently, is unavailable in the fantasy-laden sadomasochistic community and its written or printed materials.
When I dominated my former soul mate, the success was derived from controlling in a manner that ensures that both of us were happy and fulfilled. Even a highly motivated, sincere, and obedient submissive needs the ability to cope with numerous emotional freak-out, resistance, and confusion, especially during the first few real-time live-in years of the relationship. Even the most inherent submissive can have significant difficulties, initially, with learning to obey and submit, because learning to be a good submissive is not a matter of persona or will-power, although these aspects are helpful, it is not a matter of being "submissive enough." It is a completely a matter of training and experience. The most willing and compliant submissive is not knowing instinctively how to serve or how to put his or her dominant's needs and desires above their own. In fact, a submissive is taught from their childhood environment to be willful and independent. I feel that overcoming a lifetime of cultural conditioning requires lots of time. Nothing in the easy virtual play that folks do on the Internet or over the telephone prepares subs for the difficulties of actual real-life daily obedience. The only way a submissive learns to be a good submissive is through extensive practice through making mistakes and learning from them. Through discussing what goes wrong with a patient, knowledgeable dominant and through extensive and informed assistance from his or her partner.
The early "hell" years of my lifestyle relationship required significant patience and emotional self-control from me. I feel that such patience and emotional self-control are signs of maturity, of an adult who is truly capable of taking responsibility for someone's life. It will become increasingly evident to anyone who tries a real-time, live-in power exchange for a significant time-frame, will discover that a dominant-submissive relationship is, at times, hard and grueling work. Requires a very rare person as a dominant; someone whose ability and actions actually match the claims he or she creates for themselves. Someone who considers the hard work worth it because of the rewards he or she receives from the bond. There are some basic attributes or aspects, which I feel any good dominant needs to make a real-time power exchange relationship work. These are qualities that which every submissive person must look for in the dominant when they meet. Many self-proclaimed dominants tend to say that they possess the extraordinary abilities, however, just the claim alone means absolutely zero. The dominant must demonstrate to show the submissive he or she actually has the attributes I know that learning whether a perspective dominant possess these traits and initial requirements take time. I have mentored many novice subs about rushing into an absolute or even partial live-in power exchange relationship without taking the time to ascertain the quality of the person he or she is agreeing to submit, often to pay dearly for it later. Self-control is very critical quality a good dominant must possess. If we cannot control our emotions, our vices, our tendency to act out, we are definitely too weak and self-indulgent to effectively control another. As I mentioned earlier, all subs, even the best, resist control at various intervals. I feel that dealing with resistance in a way that encourages and inspires good behavior in the submissive and helps to train her to become a better submissive and a happier person, overall, means initially realizing that our submissive's actions, no matter that we dislike them, are not about us. They are rather about his or her issues with surrendering. Learning not to respond in a narcissistic fashion when the submissive behaves in a resisting and manipulative manner is part of his or her self-control. Instead of overreacting, the good dominant will rationally and over time devise workable strategies based on intimate knowledge of his or her submissive that discourage the behavior and attitude the dominant dislikes.
I find that responsibility is also an important trait of a successful dominant. Ownership of someone for life is a very serious endeavor. When a dominant controls another person and essentially does anything to him or her they desire, one has to have a great responsibility toward the submissive. I know that some folks lightly define a dominant's responsibility to that of owning a pet, however, it is much more of a duty than that. Seriously, the dominant must take his submissive charge as more like having a child. He or she controls this person absolutely, and, assuring that he or she loves their submissive or slave, the dominant must ensure that the things he or she does, or does not do, are not harmful or damaging to his or her submissive charge. We as dominants have to think first, and carefully, prior to speaking out in anger. We have to consider how each action we take or decision we make affects our subs as well as ourselves. We have to anticipate how our submissive will react to stimuli and actions before we commit to them. I submit that we are steering the ship and we are the only ones in charge. If we truly realize that than we also are aware that when things mess up and do not work out, it is not the fault of the person who is helpless before us and who must follow your commands. It is ours, and ours alone.
I feel that a true dominant has to be grown up enough to take responsibility when things go awry. A child in an adult's body, on the other hand, blames every bad thing or misfortune that befalls him or her on others. Nothing is ever is ever his or her fault or responsibility. It is always someone else who has screwed up. A person of maturity tends to have patience and a willingness to wait a long time, if necessary, for things to work out. I know that some things in a power exchange require a very long time to achieve, and a dominant, especially, has to possess the determination and fortitude to wait for these things without surrendering or losing heart. A mature person does not view every little emotional difficulty from his or her submissive a sign that the relationship is not working, or some fact, which is symptomatic that the sub does not love him or her. A true and mature dominant knows how to walk the fine line between not allowing his or her submissive partner's emotional issues rule them on the one hand and becoming emotionally distant from the submissive on the other. A mature dominant can be looked up to by his or her submissive partner, leaned on, even as a pillar of strength and support at all times, not just when the dominant finds it fun or easy to play that role. A good dominant has an understanding of human nature from having encountered its many forms and realizes, generally, what works and what does not work when dealing with his or her submissive charge. I feel that an inherent dominant does not have to learn all of this by experimenting on his or her submissive. The dominant-submissive relationship and/or bond is a game that's not a game, and a successful dominant must have the skillful ability to hurt the one he or she loves, just right!
