The last time I wrote a blog to you it did me really good so i guess i am writing this for two reasons. The first is to update u on me and open up to you a little more about me. The second is to release the feelings i have been experiencing. One of these days i am gonna write a book i swear.
First of all i wanted to let everyone know that i have made some decisions. The first of those decisions is to start writing again. Its amazing how good it feels to write again. I have realized how much i miss it . I always loved writing but i guess since micheal died i was to scared to. I guess that Michealand his wife encouraged me to write and when he died i was to scared to write because i was to hurt. I have never been the type of person to hide my emotions but when Micheal died i was afraid to. I didnt want to show everyone how hurt i was. I thought they would see it as a weakness when in reality it was the most powerful tool i had to get me through the pain i was feeling in my life.
A couple of moths ago someone from my past asked me what i was waiting for? I asked her what she meant, and she asked me again what was i waiting for? She followed by saying i could be so great. It didnt take me long to realize that she was talking about my writing and how good i use to be, and how i use to not be coldhearted. She reminded me how i use to care so much for peole, and how i use to enjoy my life. It took me until now to realize that and i would like to explain to you how me the fun loving guy with not a care in the world changed to the person i am today.
When i think about my past beyond my adoption i had a good life. I grew up in a good home . I grew up in a decent sized town, and live a pretty normal life. I went to a private shcool most of my life. I went to public shcool from my 10th grade year until my graduation. Most of my relationships when i was in school failed. I had lots of oppurtunities but wasnt really interested in staying with one person. I got cheated on alot to. When i was in school i really wasnt much of a partier. It just wasnt my thing. I knew alot of cops, and really had the dream of being a cop most of my life. After high school i pursued that dream after working for a year. I was moved out on my own by this time and was about to enter the program to become a cop. I started the program with full support of friends and family and also with support from alot of current police officers. Going into this program i had more support than i had ever had in anything. Things started out very good and after the first month things couldnt have been any better. I was headed toward my dream with no worries and then it happened.
The rule in the course was you could not make below 80% on any test three times. With several tests a week this can be a goal to achieve, and i did struggle greatly. I came home one day and got a call from one of my best friends. They had been arrested for drugs. I was so angry and didnt sleep much that night. The next morning i took a test and failed it. I had already make below 80 on two tests before that, so this was the third. There went my dream, it was gone i was out of the program. I of course did the wrong thing. Instead of regroping and give it another shot in a couple of months, i stopped showing up to work and just kind of gave up. With me not showing up for work i of course lost my job, and my utilities and water were cut off soon after. Not thinking straight at the time instead of getting another job i ran away to a friends house. I partied like crazy, and just didnt care anymore. I blamed everyone but myself for the emotions i was feeling and the pain that i was to afraid to face up to. I didnt want to admit that it was my fault.
Needless to say it caought up with me when my parents filed a missing persons report. I had to move home whith them which was really hard. I quickly looked for a way out of there. When the army came calling it seemed to be a quick fix to get outta there so i quickly joined. I was soon off to basic training, and things went ok until the day before my ait graduation. I knew i was going home soon and then i was off to Cuba.
The day before graduation we went and praticed for the ceremony and then returned to the barracks. I was standing there talking to a friend when i heard my drill sargent call my name, and i quickly went to her office with my bunkmate. When i got to her office she asked me to step in alone. This was very strange bc this never happens. She sat down and said i regret to inform you that your grandfather has passed away. In the silence after she had told me i felt like i couldnt breath. I felt a sharp pain in my heart. I was in total shock. After six months of being in basic and ait and having nothing go wrong, here i stood in this office and was watching my world being turned upsidedown. For the first time in six months of knowing this drill sargent I saw compassion in her eyes. It is at this moment that i realized that drill sargents were just like anyone else, they were real people. I quickly went downstairs and called my mom and told her i would be there as soon as i could. After spending the rest of the day in the airport I was finally home.
When the plane landed i ran to my mom and got in the car and watched as she cried. I really didnt know what to say. I didnt know if she was crying because she was seeing me for the first time in six months or because my grandpa had died. The next day at the funeral I was so angry, all I could think was why did you have to die now? Whey cdo i have to be here instead of my graduation? Why couldnt you have waitied until i graduated? Didnt you want to be proud of me? I had finally accomplished something in my life and u werent even here to see it. During the funeral I was mentioned as a memeber of the military. Thies was the first time i had heard myself mentioned that way. After the funeral all these people came up to me, shook my hand and hugged me. This made me feel so good, but i really didnt know how to react to it. It was like i was a hero or something.
The days after the funeral I didnt know how to react. I was feeling the pain of losing someone, and at the same time I was scared to death of going to Cuba and not knowing what was going to happen. I weant a little crazy and jumped on a bus and left town. I met up with a girl i knew and spent a week and half in a hotel with her. All I did that week was drink hoping to make my pain and fear go away. I then returned home realizing how selfish i was being and got ready to go to Cuba.
This concluded part two of this blog. The third will be posted very soon. THanks for reading.................
