198578's blog: "The ramblings of a chaotic, never sleeping, Gemini mind"

What do you think of me now What do you think of me now, now that i've found my way This is me saying goodbye & walking away You used me in your little game you play Snap your fingers & down i'd lay Took what you wanted then tossed me aside But I rode the emotional tide And found my way back The pupil has become master & I find you lack You've regressed to the pathetic humanity inside you Deny it all you want we both know its true. This is me laughing in your face But i'm not done you've given me a taste A taste of the darkness within I've found someone new & now Ill teach him But I won't leave him feeling the pain Crying diamonds in the rain It's time to build my army And soon you will see You shouldn't have underestimated me For things aren't always what they appear And soon you will shed a tear When you learn who & what I truly be You will beg for me to forgive you on bended knee

What if you don't want a new world but to find a way to mix the new & old I've grown too addicted to one, for the other too bold What if you're not sure you want a new love but do know you want old love to be a friend While you work on healing yourself so your broken heart can mend Sometimes you're willing to rewrite the book but you don't want to accept & forgive Unwilling to acceot a new way to love & live Hate for you is not what fills my eyes But anger & fear that I can't stop or change the changing tides As to the last, who decided what was wrong & right I'm unwilling to give in to socities closed mind without a fight So hard to see myself without you, I feel my heart beginning to break Not sure who I am anymore but I know I now have a choice to make You can you look me in the eyes & honestly tell me you're in love with me Are we both trying to hang onto the past comfort when we really want to be free It's going to break me, trying again to learn to fly Sometimes the rest of your life starts with goodbye

You accuse me of being cold Same old line, its old You wonder why i'm done trying I finally gave up crying You never listened til it was to late Maybe it was all apart of fate Everything I could once feel Now seems so unreal I'm not a toy you can ignore when you have me Then decided you want when i've been set free I've moved on now to a new life One not filled with fighting & strife But I have no hard feelings Just a heart that needs healing I wish you all the best in this world Hope you find real love with the right girl Someday I hope you can forgive the pain Stop listening to others who only care about their own gain Follow your heart, it'll lead you to the best And to god leave all the rest

As I sit here pondering recent tragedies I can feel unshed tears fill my eyes More broken hearts Lives torn apart A lil more hope dies nobody hears my cries. I'm a hollow empty shell of the wide eyed inoccent I once was. No longer deluded by the dreams emptying my last light into my son hoping maybe he can be one of the few who changes what this cold cruel world has now become. Like me it was once filled with life & light now we only survive to protect our kids with them as our last grain of hope that they'll be better than us. That they will breathe life back into us. Maybe I hold on to the hope so I don't have to feel guilt for being a selfish bitch bringing a child into this world that i've long since given up on. Maybe it just hit too close to home. One of my greatest fears is that someday i'll be getting that phone call or police on my steps telling me it's my mom or worse yet my brother. For both have had a tendancy to drink & drive. Too young he was. We're losing too many of our generations to alcohol related accidents. I can't help but ask why??? I once loved being alive & I didn't let societies chains hold me down. I don't apologize for being who I am or being into things most people pretend to be shocked & outraged by. I just try not to hurt others who don't understand me & wouldn't understand what my true desires in life are. That's not to say I don't make mistakes. I've lived among humanity too long & just once in my life I gave into vanity, my one human weakness. Too late I realized he was not worthy of my time or my body. He was white trash & happy to be that way. Now I have to have it thrown in my face every time my chosen one and I get into a disagreemant. He drives me further away from him & deeper into myself. He's the one who drove me away to begin with. He accuses me of not feeling guilty or caring that I did something I swore i'd never do. What does he want of me? Should I beat myself up consumed for something I can't change? Drive myself into a suicidal depression? I won't live like that. It's done, it can't be changed. Move on or let me go. I can't live this way. Maybe it's partly my fault for I can't give him everything he needs from me emotionally. I try but part of me is gone. I love him maybe i'm just too afraid i'll hurt him again that i'm not good enough for him anymore. I feel tainted by my trangressions. Too much of the light to feel nothing but too filled with dark to feel something. Too afraid. Nothings the same anymore. I don't know. Maybe i'm just rambling about nathing. Nobody will probably read this anyways.

Sorry I haven't been here in a while my friends. Been dealing with some personal crap but i'm back so hit me back if you want to chat. Stay Sweet, ~Angel~

Unshed tears of frustration fill my eyes As I listen to you add more to your mt of lies I'm right here by your side, always have been & will be But I often lie awake wondering if your dreams are of her or me? I often feel like even when you're here you are miles away I won't hate you nor will I beg you to stay tha truth is all I ask of you for once I want something in my life to be true I won't stand & fight with a bitch from your past My grip on the demon within won't last I'll walk away with my head held high A softly blown kiss will be my goodbye

Where do I fit in The anger slowly builds within I am becoming more discontented Isn't it time you finally relented?? Give me what I want, need And from my veins you may feed. It's not about just lust or fun Deep in my heart I love more than one Why can't I share with both of you??? To my own self I must be true One feeds my light The other is my night The darkness grows deep inside My heart I must forever hide

So my mom gets so drunk that she passes out with my 4 year old sister there. Her equally alcholic bf comes home from work & finds her foaming at the mouth. He calls 911. She has alcol poisoning. Now DHS & protective services have been called & moms bf is trying to act like big man on campus because it was the one time he happened not to be drunk with her. Now everyones calling me & asking me to take my sis, talk to my mom, & once again try to fix everything. A role I perfected long ago & despise with every ounce of my being. Sober I love my mom, she's a good person but drunk {which is 95% of the time} i'm really beginning to hate her. I love my lil sis but I have a 3 year old to raise & I don't have the time, money, or emotional energy to raise another one of my moms kids but I also don't know if I have it in me to just walk away. So what do I do???? Probably just sacrafice another piece of the light in my heart to fix her problems again.....*sigh*
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KENNY ROGERS The last ten years {superman} Oh, the last ten years, it's been quite trip Over thirty-six-hundred spins around without a cosmic slip But within the realm of our atmosphere We're 'bout as out of whack as we've ever been in a million years We watched the Y2K scare in a panic An' we watched as time proved Nostrodamus wrong An' we watched as Mother Nature shook the planet An' cellular replaced the telephone We lost Charlie Brown, Ray Charles an' Johnny Cash We even lost Superman, mhm. Well, the last ten years, look at the hills we've climbed The best golfer's black, the best rapper's white an' it's about damn time But we best beware, there's a brand new fight, you see An' I hate to say we might be our own worst enemy We watched Oklahoma sifting through the damage An' we watched a US President get caught We watched shareholders watch their savings vanish We all cried when we watched those towers fall We lost Minnie Pearl, Ron Reagan and Sam I Am We even lost Superman, mhm. Expensive gas an' free downloads The dot-com boom, an' reality shows What's gonna happen next is anybody's guess Satellite radio and hybrid cars Hand-held computers an' a trip to Mars It's all become a part of who we are In the last ten years. In the last ten years We lost George Harrison, John Paul and June Carter-Cash Hell, we even lost Superman Gonna miss you. Chris...