For the past few years, my status has been what I like to call "Single by choice." It's not because I don't get lonely or I don't miss female companionship. It's because relationships turn me into an insecure, controlling wreck. It's a hard thing to come to grips with, but it's true.
The other side of this is that since I am a musician by profession, there is ALWAYS a one night stand or two available if I want. That's really not my style, though, so I tend to spend a lot of nights at home talking to strangers on the internet. When I get really lonely, there are also a handful of friends with benefits that I can call upon.
Now the dilemma. A few weeks ago I met someone after a show I had played. We hung out on a very platonic level for a few days, during which time I became more and more enamored with her. All the while, I know that pursuing a relationship with her is wrong on a multitude of levels (besides my own issues), so we hung out.. watched TV, played around on the internet and became good friends. Last week in the midst of drug and alcohol induced honesty, we let each other know that we fancied one another. A couple of days later, we consummated.
Now I am spending every waking moment waiting for the disaster to start. I actually want to take the relationship further and not have it be a one-niter, but I fear that by doing that, I will completely ruin the friendship that we have built.. When we talk, I am a nervous wreck. Afraid to speak my mind. Afraid to get too close, but also afraid to pull away. You'd think that after 41 years, I'd know how to be in a relationship. It seems that I'm really good at the pursuit part and the initial 'courting', but once it goes beyond that, I'm horrible.
I'm not looking for answers. I just felt that this was something that I needed to talk about, but didn't want to talk to anyone that I was particularly close to, so here seemed the best place to write it all down..
OK.. that's it for now..
