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SOULFLOWER's blog: "mistakes"

created on 07/07/2009  |  http://fubar.com/mistakes/b302730

The past.

IWROTE THIS BLOG A WHILE BACK IN THE MISDT OF GREAT PAIN AND SUFFERRING, I WROTE WHERE I WAS AT AT THE TIME. I AM MUCH GREATER NOW, BUT YOU CAN NEVER FORGET WHERE YOU CAM FROM IF YOUR GOING TO BE INTENT ON THE FUTURE AND ITS CHANGE!

In this part of my life, i realize that i have made an incredible amount of mistakes. Honestly, not knowing what i was doing. It is true that i am very intelligent, but when your lost in a maze, puzzling to figure out your way, situations arise that can be very damaging. Things in life have led me to try to make a better life for myself. Emotions get caught up in moments that bring contentment, peace, rest, and the finding of newness. It is very possible to become so lost that you really forget good judgement. Your sight can become so cloudy and  so mystical, that  you could be in a moment that is surreal.  I  think what happened to me was my mind took an alternate way of thinking just to survive. Trauma, will do that to you. It will cause one to just make a decision very quickly and go with it, if it looks like it would give life to the bones and water to the soul. I have made decisions this way, because i thought it was the ONLY way i could survive. You may think im handing over a list of excusues, but i promise you, im not. I guess, partly what im writing about is what causes a person to make desperate decisions, walk through life, think that what they are doing is right, and then watching it all crumble before your feet, all while hurting people,(sometimes beyond repair), and getting back to where you started in the first place, with ALL the guilt and shame to deal with. This is what i have done, but one of the hardest parts is NEVER, intentionally trying to hurt ANYONE. I have caused pain, indecision, hurt to others, and for myself, GREAT guilt, shame, remorse and deep sorrow, too difficult to live with.  I would share with you on what i have done, but i feel it may reopen old wounds toward others or become a reminder once again as to what i have done. I had a really bad day today, living with the decisions that i have made, meanwhile having NO control into the lives that i have left vulnerable and damaged. Is there nothing i can do? Can anyone that ive hurt see to understand me, that im sorry beyond the point of reasoning? Is there anyone who could read my heart and know me? Ive become a stranger, even more still because of my desperation. Will i ever gain forgivness? I am nothing without the people who could make me who and what i am supposed to be. I have sought so deeply for understanding and forgiveness.  I still have people pointing the finger, without a single thought to what it would be like to be in my shoes. I hurt so bad that i dont know if i can cope enough to go on. Im sure im the one in this town that people are so quick to judge, but if they were down in the currents of misery, like me, there is no way at times that they could even utter a word against me. I walk this alone. In the beginning though i was hurting people, i still thought what i was doing was right. It made sense to me. I had felt that i was so much a burden to my family, that i left them. Now i have come back to the very ones that i have hurt, for solace, love and great understanding, scambling just find the pieces, to put back together....i am even more desperate now than before, but now in a very different way. There are alot of "elements" that led me to make the decisions i have made, alot more than what ive mentioned, but slowly, over-time, i may get into that. My name is regret, and i have made many mistakes.
I AM VERY MUCH HAPPIER NOW, AND IF THIS BLOG CAN HELP ONE PERSON I AM GRATEFUL. SINCERELY DARCI.
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14 years ago
The past.

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