ladydeath3311981's blog: "The many laughs to come."

The Why's of Men 1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX (because they are plugged into a genius) 2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX? (they don't have enough time) 3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG? (they don't stop to ask directions) 4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS? (because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock) (You're laughing, aren't you?!?!) 5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS? (so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties) 6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN? (you need a rough draft before you make a final copy) 7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN? (don't know....it never happened) ( C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!) And my personal favorite: 8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH? (because a vibrator can't mow the lawn) Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart.....Then you are just an old sour fart.

Describe me in one word....just one word. Send it to me and me only. Then send this message to your friends and see how many strange things people say about you. This is really fun. Just hit the reply key and send me my one word. Then forward this message on to your friends including me and see what they say about you! Game On!!!!!

CAKE OR BED > >A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A >FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS, > >HONEY, >COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? >IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW. > >HE LOOK AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY, >FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? >DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE >GE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? >I DON'T THINK SO. > >FINE, THEN THE WIFE ASKS, >WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? >IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT > >TO WHICH HE REPLIED, >FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? >DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE >WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? >I DON'T THINK SO > >FINE, SHE SAYS >THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS >TO THE FRONT DOOR? >THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK. > >I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T >WANT TO FIX STEPS. >HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE >ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? >I DON'T THINK SO. >I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. >I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!! > >SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A >COUPLE OF HOURS.................................... > >HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW >HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES >TO GO HOME > >AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES >THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED. > >AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE >HALL LIGHT IS WORKING. > >AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES >THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED. > >HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED? >SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT >OUTSIDE AND CRIED. > >JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME >WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM. > >HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND >ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER >GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE. > >HE SAID, >SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE? > >SHE REPLIED, >HELLOOOOO... >DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN >ON MY FOREHEAD? >I DON'T THINK SO!

THE POLITE WAY TO GO PEE During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question: "Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Peter, how would you say it?" Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back." "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?" "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner." The teacher fainted.

A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular > Contractions" to his first year medical students. > > Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor > decided to lighten the mood slightly. > > He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know > what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?" > > She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."

(1) 2,000 years ago, Moses said, "Pick up your shovel, pack your ass, mount your camel and I shall lead you to the Promised Land." (2) 200-plus years ago, George Washington said, "Get off your ass, use your shovel, clear the land, grow plants for camels and it will be the Promised Land." (3) Last year, the Congress of the United States said "Si, Amigos, throw away your shovel, sit on your ass, light your Camels, we're giving you the Promised Land."

WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE...I'M BROKE!! A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners" "Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!", "I'm broke!" and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure on to her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder. The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning." What part of broke do you not understand?

The 1st Affair > > A married man was having an affair > with his secretary. > One day they went to her place > > and made love all afternoon. > Exhausted, they fell asleep > > and woke up at 8 PM. > The man hurriedly dressed > > and told his lover to take his shoes > outside and rub them in > the grass and dirt. > He put on his shoes and drove home. > > "Where have you been?" his wife demanded. > "I can't lie to you," he replied, > > "I'm having an affair with my secretary. > > > We had sex all afternoon." > She looked down at his shoes and said: > > "You lying bastard! > > You've been playing golf!" > > > > > > > > > The 2nd Affair > > A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters > > > > but always talked about having a son. > > They decided to try one last time > > for the son they always wanted. > The wife got pregnant > > and delivered a healthy baby boy. > The joyful father rushed to the nursery > > to see his new son. > > He was horrified > > at the ugliest child he had ever seen. > He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the > father of this baby. > > Look at the two beautiful daughters I > fathered! > > Have you been fooling around behind my back?" > > The wife smiled sweetly and replied: > > "Not this time!" > > > > > > > > > The 3rd Affair > > A mortician was working late one night. > He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, > > > > about to be cremated, > > and made a startling discovery. > > Schwartz had the largest private part > > he had ever seen! > "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician > > commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated > > with such an impressive private part. > > It must be saved for posterity." > So, he removed it, > > stuffed it into his briefcase, > > and took it home > "I have something to show > > you won't believe," he said to his wife, > > opening his briefcase. > "My God!" the wife exclaimed, > > "Schwartz is dead!" > > > > > > > > The 4th Affair > > > > A woman was in bed with her lover > > when she heard her husband > > opening the front door. > "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." > > She rubbed baby oil all over him, > > then dusted him with talcum powder. > > "Don't move until I tell you," > > she said, " > pretend you're a statue." > "What's this?" the husband inquired > > as he entered the room. > "Oh it's a statue," she replied, > > "the Smiths bought one and I liked it > > so I got one for us, too." > No more was said, > > not even when they went to bed. > Around 2 AM the husband got up, > > went to the kitchen and returned > > with a sandwich and a beer. > "Here," he said to the statue, have this. > > I stood like that for two days at the Smiths > > and nobody offered me a damned thing." > > > > > > > > > The 5th Affair > > A man walked into a cafe, > > > > went to the bar and ordered a beer. > > "Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent." > "One Cent?" the man exclaimed. > > He glanced at the menu and asked: > > "How much for a nice juicy steak > > and a bottle of wine?" > "A nickel," the barman replied. > > "A nickel?" exclaimed the man. > > "Where's the guy who owns this place?" > > The bartender replied: > > "Upstairs, with my wife." > The man asked: "What's he doing > upstairs > > with your wife?" > The bartender replied: > > "The same thing > > I'm doing to his business down here." > > > > > > > > > The 6th > Affair > > Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. > > > > He looked up and said weakly: > > "I have something I must confess." > "There's no need to, " his wife replied. > > "No," he insisted, > > "I want to die in peace. > > I slept with your sister, your best friend, > > her best friend, and your mother!" > "I know," she replied, > > " now just rest > > and let the poison work."

WHY WE SPLIT UP... She told me we couldn't afford beer at $25.00 a case anymore and I'd have to quit drinking. Then I caught her spending $65.00 on make-up, and I asked her how come I had to give up stuff and she didn't. She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me. I told her that's what the beer was for. I don't think she's coming back.....

A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mummy, Mummy, she yelled, "We were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl asked. "Yes, it's because you're blonde." The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mummy,Mummy," she yelled, "We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids said up to D, but I said it up to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?" "Yes, It's because you're blonde." The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mummy,Mummy!" she yelled, "We were in gym class today, and when we were showering, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" She lifted up her tank top to reveal a pair of 36 C's. "Very good," said her embarrassed mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?" No, honey, Its because you're 24.