How can one struggle put so much progress on hold. I can't shake the one fear I continue to hold on too. God has given me so much strength motivation and happiness I cannot even begin to imagine how its possible. But my faith, new found trust, and internal knowledge knows its only for one reason and one reason only. My final acceptance of what I've known all along to be true... the right ways of doing things, how to live for God, and accept truths and signs of God's presence on this earth as they come. So many realisations that I cannot even begin to describe to you. Its amazing how fast a truly open heart can be shaped into the most happy of hearts. All of these changes have some so easily in such a short amount of time that if it had not happened to me I would not have believed it. My heart is free for the first time in my life, I have no thoughts in the back of my mind telling me that I'm doing wrong, that I'm not making the correct choices, I know I will sin everyday but I know that I have no desire to sin willingly. I've never had a fear of death but Until driving home last night did I know I would be going to Heaven if something were to happen to me, this fact was so overwhelming to me that I could do nothing other than feel the soothing, loving, calming, and wonderful emotions God had given me at that moment of realization. I know that I will write again later everything that has lead me to this path but for now I sit here with only one fear. This fear is the only thing that weights heavy on my newly enlightened, lifted, faithful heart. With everything else being so easy for me, the waking up one morning having no desire or need to smoke although I had want or intention to quit was amazing, it just happened, the sudden and very suprising desire to never have sex without being married just came upon me with not intention of my own to feel this way, my hard time accepting Jesus for what he truly is the Savior and Messiah has been becoming easier and easier to me through sign after sign the most shocking being the moring after my talk with God over this struggle I find my son laying on the floor of the living room in the form of a cross... arms straight out palms down, legs and feet crossed over top of eachother with toes pointed down. This was very shocking and almost scary for me to see, I had never seen my son in this pose before but I knew it was a sign to help me along the way to re-building my faded relationship with Jesus. It has changed my views so drastically that I dont have the fear of calling myself a Christian as I always did before because in my heart I knew I did not fully accept Christ and I know I'm not compleatly there but because I know I want that and will have that I have no fear from God that I am doing wrong in calling myself Christian. So this fear I face is a hard one to face. The feelings I have and the Love in my heart for a particular person that will not go away is strong. No matter how hard I try and how much I pray to God, not to have to hold on to this, it continues. I know it is for a reason, I just dont know what reason it holds. I accept this and give it all to God but my fear of these feelings will continue to hurt me as they have for over a year now. Much of my day and life is not focused on this at all. At one time it was all I could think about day and night. Now it is only a small part of my life because I have put God into the 1 spot in my heart as it should be. For years and years I knew I was unfulfilled and was seeing a man and a relationship, I was looking the wrong place because I continued to look on earth and I was really needing to look to God. He was the man and relationship I needed in my life to make it complete. I will be happy for the rest of my life now because of this acceptance and realization. But for some reason I still have my nagging fear of these feeling and this Love for this person that I want to keep in my life because he means so much to me. I know for sure it is supposed to be there, because God put it there and keeps it there because I know he controls everything. I'm searching for the purpose of these feeling that cause fear, tears, and heartache for me. I know I will be given the strength to deal and handle any heartache that comes from these feelings but the fear of being hurt again my this person is overwhelming. I have never felt such pure unselfish unconditional Love for anyone other than God or my children than I feel for this person. The fact that this Love and these feelings have never been returned by this person tears so deeply at my heart that I feel at times that I have to force my own heart to beat and my lungs to breath. I'm sure this is a test. ...........................I have just at this moment came to the realization that this test and fear does make since. I am supposed to trust in God fully and although I've said I do and that I've given this to him, I know now that I have not because of the fear it brings. And what better of a test can I have than this one. My only Pure True Love of my heart that is found on earth that has been the sorce in the past year of more pain than I have ever felt should be a huge test to see if I can fully trust God and live without being controled by that fear. I have the feeling to just accept and embrace this Love and those feelings I have for this person and just allow it to be there inside of me instead of fighting against it. I can not live in fear of being hurt, I can not live trying to stifle what is there for a purpose even if I don't understand or know its purpose. This Love was given to me by God and I know my human nature will fight to allow the feeling of jealousy I often get in regards to this person, but I accept this Love as a gift and a sign that I may not understand right now but I accept it and will allow it to take the path God intends it to go. My fear will still exist but I will not let my friendsthip with this person be ruined or halted because of this fear. I accept these feeling and I accept this Love for what it is now, has been, or will ever be. God will give me the strength to endure what struggles come, this one or any others I face.
