Card Zero's blog: "Random Rants"

I'm noticing that on a whole lot of profiles, specifically those run by females, there are a list of rules. I'm guessing it's mostly women who have these rules, I don't really spend all day trolling for dudes on here, but of the 3 random guys profiles I opened none of them had anything remotely resembling a list of rules. I'm not exactly sure what makes you fall under the jurisdiction of these rules, I'm guessing just viewing the page makes you at least a potential citizen of the Kingdom of *whoever's* Profile.

These rules are pretty much all the same, and by my best guess are specifically designed to make you feel like an asshole for viewing her profile and having a penis at the same time.

I picked a random lady's profile just to have something to work from, and what do you know? A list of rules! This particular profile has the rules under a fairly large profile paragraph. She talks about herself, her friends, and her kids. She says she's a Capricorn, which according to the quick google search I just did means we're probably not compatible. I imagine her fiancé probably has something to say about our compatibility as well.

After her mini-biography, the font color changes to a bright red and she has the obligatory "rules disclaimer". Before I go to far, I can't imagine that anyone she's hoping to scare off with this is going to scroll down past the Pictures link to even read it. To summarize, the disclaimer basicly says "I know you're going to think I'm horrible for spelling this out, but not nearly as horrible as you'll feel about yourself after reading it." Now, on to the rules...

The first rule is the language code. She doesn't like to be called "Baby". I've also seen these with "Honey", "Sugar", and a few other cheesy 70's pickup line names. I'm personally a fan of "Darlin'", which I've never seen listed in any of these, but I have a feeling falls under the same category.

Next is the freedom of information act, where she mentions that she won't respond to questions that are already answered in her profile. While Iguess this also ruins the classic cheesy 70's pickup line "What's your sign?", it also would make it a bit more difficult to start any conversation. This gives her the ability to respond to any question by saying "Read the profile, asshole".

Next up is the part I can't think of any sarcastic law name for. Here is where she says she doesn't want to be told how hot she is. I've found this is true in real life dating as well. It's apparently creepy to tell the girl that she looks good, but instead you get much further complimenting the accessories, i.e. jewelery, shoes, hair, etc... This is why I start every conversation on fubar by telling them how much i love their fubar theme.

Moving on to the Indecent Exposure laws, where she says she doesn't want any penis pictures. Women these days just don't appreciate a good weiner snapshot. I guess I'll have to rethink my christmas card photo. Is this really a problem? I know i get bored on the weekends sometime, but it has never occured to me to send pictures of my johnston to random women on the internet. People, trust me, it's much more fun to hand out prints of them in the wal-mart parking lot. The reactions make it well worth the jail time.

Next up, the Surveillance section. "Never, under any curcumstances, are you ever going to see me on a webcam." Do guys really start out with that? "Hi, I see on your profile that you like horses. I'm a bit of an equestrian myself. Do you want to get naked on your webcam for me?" If that line would ever work on any of you, please let me know. I've got a friend that I'm sure can photoshop me on a clydesdale or something.

Now, the only variable in this whole mess, the Freedom of the Press. Specifically, boobie pictures!! I've seen 3 versions of this rule. First, there's the "I don't have, and you will never see, any pictures of my boobies". Next, there's the "I have pictures of my boobies, but they're only for close friends. Now, you could be a "close friend" one day, but that would involve you talking to me, which isn't going to happen" I like the false hope in this one. The 3rd variation is the "I have plenty of boobie pictures, and you can see them if you buy me something!" I'm personally not a fan of the Pay-Per-View plan for pictures. If I'm going to pay to see some boobies, I'll do it in person at the titty bar. Not nearly as many angry rules there.

Here's another one I can't come up with a bad name for. This is the one where they make sure you know that they like their bodies. These are the bigger girls who imagine that I'm here looking at their pictures and making pig noises. They want to make me feel like a jerk because of what they think I'm thinking. If I had a problem with how you look, I wouldn't have clicked on your picture in the first place.

Also, somewhere in here there's a bunch of random little rules about how they don't pay attention to the shoutbox, don't read any private messages, don't rate profiles or pictures, and really don't care about anything you say to them.

At the end, there's the thesis statement. Usually something that adds up to "I've found someone who's not you" or "I'm looking for someone who's not you", followed by "Don't even think about contacting me, but feel free to rate my pictures and buy me stuff".

Is all of this really necessary? Are you women being bombarded with non stop dong pictures and requests to webcam? I think I've only talked to 3 people on fubar, and every time I get the feeling that whoever is on the other side of the conversation is just thinking "I wish this idiot would shut up so I can go back to my busy day of ignoring him"

On that same note, if you're one of the guys that's actually doing this stuff, does it really work? I mean, ever?

The problem I have with all of this is that, at least in my mind, it doesn't need to be pointed out. This stuff seems like common sense. I like topless pictures and webcams just as much as the next guy, and I like a girl with curves probably a bit more than the next guy. But I also realize that badgering a woman with wang pictures and begging to be added to her family so I can see her ta-ta's is not going to get me anywhere, at least not without a credit card.

And ladies, if you are mad at me for posting this stuff, at least take comfort in the fact that I had to read your profiles to put it together, which is apparently more than most guys are doing.