The Do's and Don'ts of Wearing a Kilt
Men who plan to wear the kilt should recognize that a kilted man inevitably attracts admiring spectators drawn like moths to a sporran, or termites to a caber.
These admirers, who often given to calling out endearments like "Kiltie, kiltie cauld bum, cannae keep a warm one...," or "Donald, where's yer troosers...," see a kilted Scot as an adventurer who walks the thin line between Presbyterian and prurient, between bard and barbarian, between traditon and tramp.
They hope to glimpse, even fleetingly, that element which separates our kilted clansmen from trousered trash.
However, to avoid inadvertently offending the delicate sensibilities of spectators (and some are more delicate than others), men should observe the following rules of kilt etiquette.
Walk, do not run, for the departing trains, supermarket blue-light specials, or last calls in the pub. If you must walk quickly, then keep both hands on your sporran. If your sporran is up around your neck, you're walking much too quickly.
Do not go upstairs, especially in a double-decker bus, a lighthouse, or Sir Walter Scott's monuments. Likewise, you should avoid opening balconies and glass-fronted elevators. Niether should you go downstairs. If you find yourself upstairs, make sure all of the spectators have left the premises before you descend.
Do not stoop, crouch, or squat to pick up anything from the floor. Have a friend pick up the object for you. If your friends wil not oblige, kick the object to a secluded area before you retrieve it. If you have no friends, then stooping, crouching, or squatting in a kilt may only worsen your lonely condition.
Do not wear shiny new wellies. Dull them a little (perhaps with mud or mince). Or wear spats with your wellies and establish your credentials as the fashion trend-setter you are.
Do not stand at the edge of reflective pools, unrippled ponds, or mirror-like puddles. And, on those formal events when you must wear silver-buckled shoes, do not stand still for longer than five seconds at a time. Dance instead.
Dance nothing more than a boisterous waltz. Reserve wild reels, jigs, and flings for family gatherings where your identity needs no further elaboration, or for those occasions when your anonymity is assured. Limbo dancing in a kilt at any time definately breaches kilt etiquette.
Respond only with an enigmatic smile to any questions about what is worn under your kilt. Avoid responding with the cliche "Nothing is worn under my kilt. Everything is in working order." Similarly, do not offer any demonstrations of what is worn under your kilt. And an offer such as "I'll show you mine if you show me yours" can be misconstrued as the opening salvo in an ever-escalating series of challenges and exhibitions that might be illegal in public places, even between consenting adults.
Shaving your legs is unnecessary. However, hirsute highlanders who elect to wax the hair from their legs and not just the knee area displayed between kilt and hose. These false economies only contribute to the myth of the cheap Scot. Also, it's considered bad taste to suggest private viewings of your "kilt-line".
Do not sit with one leg crossed over the other. This position requires you to uncross your legs later, a tricky manoeuver mastered by only a select few after years of training. Always sit with your knees no more than six inches apart, thus creating enough shadow for mystery and discretion. Avoid soft recliners and rocking chairs where the sitter's knees may move above shoulder level.
by Colin Wallace
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