I see my life as a big charter bus. It looks great from the outside big and black and shiny with a great colorful design on the side. It is just beautiful. At least from a distance. Once you get closer you see that the windows are kind of dirty and the paint is scuffed and chipped in some places. Still from the outside it looks just fine.
It doesn't seem to run anymore. So to get any where I have to push it. It rolls for a while once I get it going. It really doesn't have great direction unless I can run up and jump inside and steer for a while but then it comes to an hill or just time and gravity start to affect it and next thing I know it is stopped again.
Once in a great while the engine will fire. And will run like a dream. everything is clicking and I am just cruising along. Then for some unknown reason it stops again.
The bad part is that the bus if full of people. And when I say it has stopped again they all get pissed, because of course... It is my fault it quit. I didn't do anything. But still since it is my bus. I must have done something. So I get out and start pushing again. I have tried to fix the engine. I have had it looked at by professionals. But they all say the same thing. I don't see anything wrong. I don't understand why it won't work.
No one who has been on the bus ever gets up and tries to help push. They look at me out the windows and complain that they are going to be late or that they are hungry or need a new pair of shoes. But no one is willing to push.
Once in a while someone new comes along and wants to be on the bus. I can't say no. They help push for a while. And once we get it rolling they climb on with me and roll happily along. but as soon as it starts having problems again they either stay on the bus with everyone else of catch the first taxi that comes along and get the hell out of dodge.
On very very rare occasions I have encountered someone who wants to fix the bus. They stand in front of the bus with their best tools. They look at the bus. They try to open the engine compartment and often find it stuck. They fiddle around with it for a while then eventually shrug their shoulders and move on. "Sorry" they say. "Latch is broke. Can't fix it if I can't get to it." (I did have someone come in and want to re do the seats and carpets thinking that would fix the problem... but i don't think it would have.... it would have cleared the bus for a while though wouldn't it have? maybe he did have a good plan after all)
I guess the moral of my story is that my life isn't what it seems. I keep pushing it along and haven't given up yet but I am afraid that one of these days I am going to miss a step or trip and I am going to get run over by my own bus. And everyone is going to be pissed because I am not there to push it anymore. I need a break. I need some help and I need someone to at least be there to toss a brick under the tire so when it starts to roll back it won't run me down. I can't do it alone any more. But I don't see the people on the bus being the ones who will help me out.
