"This week, Vice President Dick Cheney’s wife Lynne Cheney says that Obama and Dick Cheney are related. She said they are actually eighth cousins. Lynne Cheney says that Obama-Dick Cheney connection was the result of one of Obama’s ancestors marrying one of Cheney’s ancestors in 1650. Even more interesting: Do you know who introduced them in 1650? Bob dole."
-Jay Leno
"Big day in Washington. Today President Bush had a historic meeting with the Dalai Lama. There was an awkward moment when Bush saw what the Dalai Lama was wearing and said, “Don’t tell me they lost your luggage.”"
-Conan O'Brien
"Yesterday, the Dalai Lama had a private meeting with President Bush. The last Dalai the president greeted at the White House was Parton."
-Jimmy Kimmel
"According to The Wall Street Journal, Botox hit a billion dollars in sales last year. A billion dollars! Of course, the Botox people are thrilled. You couldn’t tell by looking at their faces, but they were."
-Jay Leno
"Mayor Bloomberger is planting 1 million trees in New York City. One million trees . . . or as Donald Trump calls them — eyesores."
-David Letterman
"Forbes magazine has come out with its annual list of the 400 richest Americans. This year’s list includes Oprah Winfrey and 300 members of her studio audience."
-Conan O'Brien
"Paul McCartney is in the middle of a very ugly divorce. Does anybody ever go through a nice divorce? Does anybody ever say, “Oh I had a beautiful divorce. It was fabulous! We had a fine selection of chicken or fish.”"
-Craig Ferguson
"Earlier tonight, Idaho Sen. Larry Craig was interviewed by Matt Lauer. The interview was conducted in Sen. Craig’s home in Idaho. Beautiful home — four bedrooms, 29 bathrooms."
-Jay Leno
"Yesterday Britney Spears turned herself into police headquarters for a previous hit-and-run accident. While taking the mug shot photo, police said, “No, no Britney — we want a picture of your face.”"
-Conan O'Brien
"It’s a great day for Madonna. She’s signed a 10-year record deal. That means she’ll be making records until she’s nearly 60. Instead of singing “express yourself,” she’ll be singing “I wet myself.”"
-Craig Ferguson
"You can always tell it’s autumn in New York City, because the shadow of the guy following you is longer."
-David Letterman
