I am at peace. I used to dwell on the past and try and analyze my mistakes and what I had done wrong, why these things had happened and what I could have done and could still do to change them. I cannot change the past. It is the past and all I can do is influence the future. It took me 19 years to realize this, but for many it takes a lifetime.
Recently...
Two months ago: I was forced to face facts that something I thought would always be there wasn't and now I can honestly say, it never was. It was a falsification of facts. I was delusional and thought I knew someone who never existed. This person was not whom I thought they were at any point of me knowing them, it was all a sick attempt at an act. However, two months ago, I still did not realize this.
Three weeks ago: I was forced to partially see the truth that another thing I thought would always be there was gone. At first this hurt me and then a few days later I came to the realization that I really didn't care, I was over it, and had been for a very long time, months as a mater of fact. But I still dwelled on the past, for some odd reason, I couldn't completely let go.
Two weeks ago: I was shoved into realization that the thing I knew (or at least thought I knew), despite the other things that weren't there anymore, was also gone, and had never truly been there. This hurt...for a few hours. That night I came home from a fantastic time with some female friends and slept like a baby, for the first time since June, for the first time dreaming about something else besides this loss, this person, this past thing that had never really been there.
Less than two weeks ago: I realized that each day is what matters, each moment is what matters, the people that leave me are the people that do not care. These people never did, these people are the selfish people that only used me as a convenience to them, to make them feel better about themselves, to make themselves feel loved and wanted when they were not truly in it with their heart.
A few days ago: I realized that it doesn't matter what others think of me, I am who I am, and I like who I am. I don't really care if others don't, I complete myself and no one else can. No man, no woman, just me. I don't need to hear these things that I had relied on for my whole life.
Today: I realized that, though these people may have gotten some kind of sick satisfaction out of attempting, yes attempting to hurt me, is all truth they helped me, in so many ways. Without leaving, I would still have this need to be reassured, to feel wanted, to feel loved, without trying to hurt me, I would still hold them up on this pedestal and think so highly of them when they are lower than the pond scum's bacteria. But, the hate and anger that I HAD felt for them has turned into nothing but gratitude and appreciation. Trying to get a rise out of me and to anger and hurt me, well, it has made me see my true friends and it has made me see my false ones. I do not have an ounce of anger left in my body for these people (no it is not just one but several, and not all of them know it) all I have left for them is:
1)Pity: Because they do not see their flaws, everyone has them, I have come to understand and accept mine, and all I feel is sorrow that they will never understand or accept theirs.
2)Happiness: That they have found what they feel is a better place. I do not wish ill on anyone, friend or foe. I wish them all the happiness in the world.
3)Thankfulness: For letting me go and become this person who is so much happier with out them and all of their drama and pain.
4)Appreciation: For all of the good times that we had and all of the even better times I will have without them.
Me, that's all I am, great and small. Just me, and for the first time in my life, I am perfectly happy with that.
A special thanks to my true friends (I'm sorry if you aren't mentioned, let me know and I will add you to the list). I also apologize if the last names aren't up, I may not know yours: Shaina and Luke, Matt Peterson, Amanda Wheeler, Kacey Monke, John Mitchell, Raisa Akram, Nicole Khuen, Jenny Dabbs, Lindsay Crull, Allie Massa, My Family, Brianna MacDonald, Ashley Hoyer, Matt Grey, Ben Wensel, Sara Sorek, Kelsey, Chelsea Sasser, Courtney Askew, Jeff, Pebbles and Amanda, Ashley (the boy), Austin, Elaina and Amanda, CM, Katy Hall, Rob and Deb, Josh, Erin Bamman
