12 DAYS of Christmas - So funny please pass ON
December 14
Dearest John:
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear
tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.
With deepest love and devotion, Agnus
December 15
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle
doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just
adorable. All my love, Agnus
December 16
Dearest John:
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I really must protest. I don't
deserve such generosity, Three french hens. They are just darling but I must
insist, you've been too kind. Love, Agnus
December 17, 1996
Dear John,
Today the postman delivered 4 calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful
but don't you think enough is enough. Your're being too romantic.
Affectionately, Agnus
December 18
Dearest John,
What a surprise. Today the postman delivered 5 golden rings; one for every
finger. Your're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds
squawking were beginning to get on my nerves. All my love, Agnus
December 19
Dear John,When I opened the door there were actually 6 geese a-laying on my
front steps. So, you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge.
Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep
through the racket. Please Stop.
Cordially, Agnus
December 20
John:
What's with you and those fucking birds? 7 Swans a-swimming. What kind of God
damned joke is this? There's bird shit all over the house, and they never
stop with the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck It's not
funny. So stop with those fucking birds. Sincerely, Agnus
December 21
O.K.Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 maids
a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a-milking, but
they had to bring their God damned cows. There is shit all over the lawn and
I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, smart ass. Agnus
December 22
Hey!Shithead,What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's 9 pipers playing.
And Christ do they play. They've never stopped chasing those maids since they
got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset, and they're stepping
all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have
started a petition to evict me. You'll get yours,
Agnus
December 23
You Rotten Prick,Now there's 10 ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those
sluts ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long. Now the cows
can't sleep and they've got the diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit.
The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why this
building shouldn't be condemned.
I'm sticking the police on you
One Who Means It !
December 24
Listen! Fuckhead,What's with 11 lords a-leaping on those maids and ladies.
Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the
maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All 23 of the birds are
dead. They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied,
you rotten, vicious swine.Your sworn enemy,
Agnus
Law Offices
Badger, Bender and Cahole
303 Knave Street
Chicago, Illinois
December 25
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of 12 fiddlers fiddling which you
have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnus McHolstein. The
destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our
attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale
Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this
letter please find attached warrant for your arrest. Cordially,
Badger, Bender and Cahole
