i live in bumblefuque-nowherez-iwanttokillmyselfitsuckssobad-ihatethistownville. you know, mullets everywhere you turn, 25-year-old honda civics and toyota corollas with HUGE fucking spoilers carefully duct taped to the back, and tweakers as far as the eye can see. needless to say, it's awesome! i love it. about a month ago, i was driving my kick ass new old car near one of my five nearest strip malls, and i saw THE neon sign -- 'teriyaki zone'. holy crap! 'it must be like the twilight zone, but for teriyaki!', i thought to myself. i really had no idea what to expect with a name like that. all i knew was that i was one hungry mutherfucker, and their crazy red and yellow sign was blazing like an inferno into the night air. i decided to go in.
i opened the door, aaaaand...
there she was.
a little asian woman standing at the counter.. i must have been hypnotizzzed or something; it was that sort of eerie feeling of being half asleep and half awake that you might remember from that one time you woke up and realized you were completely naked, standing in front of your floor to ceiling picture window, while your next door neighbors looked at you, wondering what the fuck you were doing.. ahem. i was on autopilot, or the msg was controlling me or something. i stumbled up to the counter, and heard myself say in a trancey sort of monotone,
'i need chicken phad thai'.
...and, that was the last thing i remember. actually, i remember it was the best chicken phad thai i've ever had. i also remember driving home, and everything else that happened after that, but i think it's funny to say, 'and that's the last thing i remember.' anyway, i think they put heroin in that food or something cuz i can't get enough of it, and i also puke for 12 hours straight after i eat it, and then i want some more. it's just a theory. hmmmm. anyway, i went in there yesterday for some teriyaki chicken, rice and vegetables, and i started talking to the lady at the counter about the weather or some crappy small talk like that..
i think the conversation went like this:
'ok, i'm ready to see the freeking sun now.', i said.
she said, 'ya, you know, i just went to las vegas. there was a lot of sun there'
'i think i need to go there, like a.s.a.-fucking-p. where did you stay?', i asked.
'oooh, i stayed at the mandalay bay. their pool is really nice. they have a wave pool, and everything.'
'really.' i said jokingly, 'wow, are the waves big enough to surf on?'
she said, 'asian people don't surf.'
'no no, i mean like body surfing and stuff like that.. you know, nice and relaxing?'
'no asian people never surf. we don't surf. it's not in our nature. you know, genetics and stuff? we're really good and climbing trees. also, i'm really good at math.'
hahahaha, ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? she was SO serious about it that it freaked me out a little, and i had to stuff my face with a piece of broccoli to calm myself down. i mean, really, what else would you expect, when you enter --
the
TERIYAKI ZONE
