Here is a little something that everyone should enjoy. This is mainly for the guys, but girls are encouraged to read as well. Hope you all enjoy!
The secret to giving good head is to read the signs. You could be the best sexual mechanic in the world, but if you cant read the emotional road signs, youre going to end up wandering around in a desolate labial wasteland until, eventually, you drop from exhaustion, hot tears of confusion streaming down your face.
Think of eating the puss as your way of saying, Although I am about to rock your insides with 3,000 pounds of explosives, heres a little treat session to show you how I really feel. Instead of a screamed OH MY GOD!! like her baby has been trapped under a car (which is what fucking should do), cunnilingus elicits a more splendiferous ohmygodohmygodohmygod. Kind of like being massaged with exotic fruits by a muscular Arab oil sheik. A good mange (thats French for eat, you brutes) is like a thousand years of Saturdays or a Calgon, take me away ad.
Break it down!
Be Down
Dont go down unless youre down. Unlike fellatio, cunnilingus can never be done as a favor. Doing it when you dont want to will only bring on the dry heaves. Eat like a pig at the trough and a lot of stupid mistakes will be forgiven.
Dont Say High to Dry
A dry pussy is an unhappy pussy. If your fingers graze a dry bush, go back to the kissing and hugging for a while. Just make sure you actually dip your finger between the lips. Sometimes moisture gets trapped between the labia and a little fingerial coaxing is all thats needed to get the honey dripping. Once youre sure the beaver is wet, give it a few light, teasing strokes with your finger. Theres nothing worse than rushing into this, so make sure shes really begging for it before you get under the covers.
Extra tip: Be like Prince and bring up a wet finger that both of you can share like a 1950s milkshake with two straws.
Important: Dont play your trump card too soon by putting your fingers all the way inside. This can detract from the upcoming penetration and kill the tease factor. Try to remember that 78 percent of a womans pleasure is about yearning. Poking it in too soon is sure to put out the fire.
Submarine Mission for You, Baby
Once shes lathered up, its time to go down. Get your fingers out of there and dont touch anything for a bit. Let your lap do a bit of grinding and get some last-minute necking in like youre going away on a vacation. Though its very tempting on your way down to pull the blankets over your head like the little mole-man that you are, this is a very bad idea. It gets super hot down there and whipping the duvet off your head and gasping for air ten seconds before she comes is pretty much going to kill the mood. Start by kissing her boobs and stomach and slowly working your way down. Dont get carried away with those stupid tits, though. Thats something you should have taken care of before the pants even came off. Right now its all about the stomach and inner thighs. A little bit of gentle biting is good, but a sure winner is to start at the knee and move toward the muff in a slow, shark-like swoop. Nibble your way right up to the edge of her cunt, then skip across it and head to the other knee. Repeat. Doing this a few times will get her really hot and save you a lot of pussy-eating time in the long run. When youre just about ready to do the deed, start practicing on that weird crevice next to the lips. Dont spend too long there or she might start to think that you think thats the actual cunt. By now she should be dying for you to make your move. If youre doing it right, shell be moaning and trying to force your head between her legs. Stretch this phase out until she looks like shes been holding her breath for three days.
Extra Trick: Hover over the bush for about five seconds before the first lick. If you wait longer than that, she might think youre having second thoughts because it smells bad. Of course, we all know that motherfucker smells sweeter than a bowl of steamin crawdaddies.
Important: Never bite the cunt in any way whatsoever. If this needs more explaining you should probably just stick to jerking off.
Parting the Red Seas
Isolate your playing field. Pubic hairs are to eating pussy what the Cavity Creeps are to dental hygiene. Youre never going to be able to identify all the parts if she looks like that PiL album That What Is Not. One hot trick is to get her to spread her lips apart so her pussy is all set up for you like a great big buffet.
The Grand Entrance
Do your first lick super slow. Its good to groan and moan too. It shows youre digging it while sending microscopic audiophonic vibrations right up her snapper. Start just above the anus and take it all the way to the fur. Do about a dozen of these St. Bernard licks before moving on (take it really slow, like four seconds per lick). This is a good time to figure out what kind of clit she has. If its real sensitive, shell probably convulse as you pass over it and that means youre in for an easy ride. If theres no reaction when you graze over her clit, she probably has one of those nerveless little pea clits and youre in for a thirty-minute session of tongue tendonitis.
Rock the Boat
Eating pussy is so gentle it can make you feel like a bit of a fag. If youre getting tired of being a ballerina boy, take it out on the clit. Figure out how much abuse it can take without making her uncomfortable and show the little bastard whos boss. After all, Mr. Elusive is precisely what makes muff diving so difficult. Hes surrounded by labia and, even after you find him, all the pressure can pop him over to the side. All of a sudden youre giving the pee hole the seeing-to of its life. Think of the clit as a tumor in a pile of earlobes. When you push down on the area, hes the only one that cant be squished. Once one of your tongue troopers finds him, call for reinforcements. Use your lips to get hers out of the way and focus all your attention on getting him alone. Once you find him, give him a bit of a hard time for trying to hide from you. Frisk him and give him a couple of whacks across the head. More on this punk and his bad attitude later.
Extra-important tip: The best way to stimulate the clit is to run your entire tongue over it after you isolate it from the lips. The man in the boat should feel the texture of the entire tongue pushing down on his body and his boat.
Identifying the Clit Type
After the slow licks its time to get this party started. There are essentially two types of clitori; ones that enjoy a serious going-over and ones that dont. The latter suck about as much as a one-inch penis and you should dump her right away.
Extra tip: Clits come in all shapes, sizes, and sensitivities; but that doesnt really tell you much. All of them want to be treated slow and soft at the beginning, but the only way you can tell if you can go fast at the end is by reading her reactions. This is impossible to teach, but just do the best you can. All I can tell you is convulsing means take it easy and Oh my God means bring it on.
Clits That Need a Serious Going-over
These are the most fun because you can be creative. Pretend your tongue is the bad cop and the clit is the guy who killed your partner. Separate him from his buddies (the lips) and suck him right up into your mouth. Now hes on your turf. Keep him erect by creating an airtight vacuum chamber in your mouth. Slap the little bugger upside the head with one big tongue bonk. Hes not going to tell you shit because hes a clit and he has no idea of what youre talking about, but kick his ass anyways. After a few teasers and swirling circles, rat-a-tat-tat him senseless like a boxer whacking a speed bag. If she starts freaking out like its too much, ease up on the interrogation and go back to the St. Bernard licks. The vacuum is a great way to bring her to orgasm, but its a bit much sometimes, so mix things up with some circles around the clit and some tongue fucking.
As youre closing in for the kill, go back to the vacuum and give the suspect a relentless head smacking. Up-and-downies are usually the most effective, but your tongue will get less tired if you throw in a few side-to-sides. When you feel the inner thighs start to shake, this is it. Be repetitive. Do NOT be creative. Youre almost home and this is not the time to start changing tactics.
Extra tip: To keep the rhythm going, try repeating a chant in your head that goes with the movement of your tongue like a Micmac Indian (hi-yi-yi-ya, hi-yi-yi-ya, hi-yi-yi-ya). Any inconsistent action may throw her off, killing the mood or at least setting you back a few minutes, which is bad for morale.
Important: Keep going several seconds after her orgasm. Remember, it isnt over until the hands come down from above and lay you off. If shes multiorgasmic, youll have to keep going until youve done the whole routine another four or five times. If youre not sure what to do, just keep giving her shit until the magic hands come down.
Clits That Dont
Some clits dont want to be singled out and battered around. These are the boring ones that need to be treated with gentle care. Just do casual St. Bernard licks until she cums, pure and simple. If youre getting bored try going in some different directions for a while. A good way to keep it random is to spell out different letters of the alphabet with the tip of your tongue. You could be looking at half an hour here, pal, and that can be problematic. If you go for that long and she doesnt cum, youre going to be in a foul mood, so if its too much work, move on. On the bright side, going for thirty minutes is something few people have the patience for, so sticking it out will lead to some payback when period week comes around.
The Conclusion
Once youre done (totally finished), shes going to want you out of there pronto because the whole area is sensitive. Instead of leaving, stick out your tongue and lay it down on her like a thick, soggy carpet. Make sure you dont move it or anything because that can actually hurt her. Just let it sit there like a dead manta ray for about thirty seconds. Then come up and wipe your face like a pirate. You now have a good minute to get the condom on and take her from the quarters of Prince Muhammad Muhammad Saddat to the cockpit of an F-15.
EXTRA BONUS TRACKS
Getting Fired
If two hands suddenly drop from the sky and start pulling you up, youve just been sacked. Shell tell you she never cums from that anyway, but the truth is you suck at sucking. Just give her a jolly good rogering and look at the whole thing as a learning experience. Later you can ask what the problem was so you can get it right the next time. If youre really lame, you can ask for a regular play-by-play from the broadcast booth. A bit of the old slow-down-youre-going-to-fast-yeah-there-like-that-oh-thats-perfect can turn even the John Wayne Bobbitt of pussy eaters into a Doug Hart.
The Power Lunch
Nothing keeps you in the game and makes her cum harder than a mid-fuck munch. Pulling out in the middle of the race may leave her a bit confused, but its a great way for all you premature ejaculators to simmer down a bit and it reminds her neglected clitoris that hes a somebody. If after a few seconds she still isnt into it, you can save face by pretending you just couldnt resist. Give it up and get back to the boff.
Extra tip: Unless you like the taste of your own latex-covered dink, keep your mid-fuck snacking to the upper clit region and stay away from the whole.
The Bottom
Fingers: If you are dealing with a particularly saucy vixen she may want something in her bum. A thumb gives you the best leeway, but keep in mind you are doing a raunchy thing and this should be saved until the end. Incidentally, if youre trying to introduce a bum finger as a good thing, try eking it in during orgasm. If it doesnt wreck everything you could have a Pavlovian response on your hands for the rest of the relationship.
Hole: Were not going to get into licking the actual hoop in this section because if youre into that, youre way too advanced for this seminar and should have graduated with a PhD in pussy years ago.
Cheeks: Bum-cheek rubbing is always good. There are over five hundred thousand nerve endings on those cheeks, so giving them a good squeeze or a slap while you lick the pussy will get you instant results.
The Double Whammy
Though some idiots (like me) say it takes away from when you actually put in the dink, simultaneous fingering is a great way to totally blow her mind. Think of it as the crack cocaine of cunnilingus.
Being Knackered
Tongue exhaustion is the number-one cause of abandoned mange-ing, but there are many ways to avoid it. Like we said, using your tongue as an inanimate object is a great way to give it a rest. Stick it out as far as if can go and tense it. Then bite into it with your teeth and move it around the cunt using your neck muscles. Another solution is simply to use your fingers on the clit while you give your mouth a rest.
