its like i cant control anything anymore. my life is a whirl wind of movements and causes but nothing is ever complete. its go here, go there, forget who you are and pretend to be what you want to be. those two things shouldn't be too far from each other. i hate not working. the last week has been nice other than the lack of money. girl scouts and new friends. lots of old friends. that makes me really happy. my old friends. the ones that have been by my side since i was 13. the ones that never have faltered and never done me wrong. right now, its almost like my life is complete with out a man. but then there's that trickle of feelings i have for a man. i don't know. men drive me insane.
i don't know where i would be with out katie right now. she is my rock. my common sense because i clearly don't have any. one of the few people i can be my real self with. i can sit back and be ridiculous and laugh. not wear makeup and not care that i live in yoga pants. even better we can sit by the pool and chill. watch the girls play. its my favorite time.
my mom has been awesome. where do u think i get it from? of course, we have our tiffs, she hates that i dont want to be here, but i want my independence. i need it more than anything. i need to get my things out of storage and into a house. i need a job. i have an intvw on 6/22. yay!
i don't know. i guess im down in the dumps and feel like i am digging deeper instead of climbing out. i had a good conversation the other night with an old friend that made me feel better abt me. it makes me feel good to know that i can make an impact on someone for the better. to show someone what unconditional love is, importance of being, and just happiness. i know i will give 110% to someone just to show them that it is possible and i do get taken advantage of for doing it. but as katie said to me, do what is right in my heart and in my head and although i give, i will be happy in time.
i guess some day or today i will see that the one who will give back more than i give them, is right here. to be unconditional right along with me.
until then, here i sit. drinking coffee. coloring with my daughters. getting my feet played with by the dog.
(side track: just saw an awesome comercial that gave me chill bumps, a elder teacher gets pushed by teenagers and little kids surround the teacher, moral typed on screen---do not harm a person of good will. isnt that ironic?)
