FyreFlyy's blog: "Stuff I find amusing"

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter. Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she Asks the sales clerk: "Dddooo youuuu hhhave dddddiilllldoesss?" The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models." The old woman then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo Inchesss ththiickk..aaand rrunns bby bbaatteries? The clerk responds, "Yes we do." Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ssonnnoooffabbitch offff?"

Mattel recently announced the release of Limited-Edition Barbie dolls for the San Diego, California area market: Chula Vista Barbie - This Spanish-speaking- only Barbie comes with a 1984 Toyota with expired temporary plates and three baby Barbies in the back seat, but no car seats. The optional Ken doll comes with a pickup truck loaded 10 feet high with mattresses. Green cards are not available for Chula Vista Barbie or Ken. National City Barbie - This Barbie now comes with a stroller and an infant doll. Optional accessories include a GED and bus/trolley pass. Gangsta Ken and his 79 Caddy (with switches) were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant. Rancho Bernardo Barbie - This modern-day homemaker Barbie is available with a Ford Windstar minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation or secondary education. Traffic-jamming cell phone included, headset sold separately. Oceanside Barbie - This recently paroled, tattooed & nose pierced Barbie comes with a 9 mm handgun, a ready lifted desert/river Chevy truck with dark tinted windows, and a methlab kit. This model is only available after dark and can only be paid for in cash - preferably in small, untraceable bills. Unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you're talking about. Vista Barbie - The upgrade from O'side Barbie. Married Camp Pendelton Ken and now tries to raise 3 kids under age 8 while husband is deployed in Iraq. Available in White, Black and Samoan. Del Mar Barbie - This yuppie Barbie comes with her own Starbucks cup, credit card, and country club membership. Optional children available only after a visit with Plastic Surgeon Ken. Rancho San Diego Barbie - Comes with a towel for her head. Is co-owner of a liquor store, along with Ken. (K pronounced like G in Spanish) Nose job already done, and Ken comes with his own bottle of hennessy and a cigar. Hopes Anglo neighbors never see Iraqi flag inside house. Santee Barbie - This pale model comes dressed in a shirt, and a Tweety Bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Coors Light and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's back side when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free. La Jolla Barbie - This collagen injected, rhinoplastic Barbie wears a leopard-print bikini outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends at the beach house. Percocet prescription available. Lakeside Barbie - This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer-Gut Ken out of Lemon Grove Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter top. Also available with a mobile home. Leucadia Barbie - This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long, straight brown hair, archless feet, hairy armpits, no makeup, and Birkenstocks with white socks. She smokes good sinsemilla buds and prefers that you call her "Willow". She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Leucadia Barbie's and the optional Volvo wagon, you get a coupon for a free wheat-grass smoothie at any Whole Food's Market. Poway Barbie - She's perfect in every way. We don't know who Ken is because he's always away working. The only Barbie with anorexic male children because they wrestle for Poway High. Reservation Barbie - Available only at Viejas Outlet Stores. Wears large t-shirts and leather & turquoise beaded belts. Miffed that she was not chosen as the Ice Princess for the Viejas Holiday Nights Show (they wanted a white girl). Peace Pipe Ken drives Dodge Ram with all factory options but can never be cleaned. Also comes with magnetic bullet holes and never ending supply of peyote. Hillcrest Barbie/Ken - This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or subtracting the multiple "snap-on" parts. Bonus: free rainbow flag sticker with proof of purchase, along with valuable discount coupons to all "F" street bookstores. Pacific Beach Barbie -This Barbie is always bitching that she can't find a good man in Pacific Beach. Comes with heart & wings lower back tattoo. Carlsbad Barbie - This princess Barbie is only sold at the brand new La Costa Forum. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired dog named Honey, and a cookie-cutter house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with "augmented" version. Valley Center Barbie - Thinks she is better than Escondido Barbie because she doesn't live in town and rich enough to live in the country. Secretly wishes to be either Carlsbad or Del Mar Barbie. Consoles herself by frequenting Pala Casino. Child with missing hand is not factory defect but due to a bad encounter with a lion at the San Diego Wild Animal Park after mom stopped watching children due to a depression induced migraine. Southeast Barbie - This Ghetto Queen comes with optional 'baby-daddy' car and pop-out baby seats. This barbie comes standard with a set of press-on nails and ponytails in various lengths. Don't mess with the breezie. She has a strong attitude and a mouth to prove it. This barbie also comes with optional girlfriends to help you do drive-by's to find out if Ken is out with some other hoochie. Mira Mesa Barbie - This Barbie is skinny and asian who thinks she knows how to drive. She comes standard with a sooped up Honda Civic that can only drive 15mph in the city but 90mph on the freeway. Available with a big six bedroom house, 5 grandparents and 20 kids who can run around screaming. Ken comes with a garage so he can s00p up all his friends Hondas too. He can be seen between 12am - 2am zipping up Kearny Villa Road or Mira Mesa Blvd by the 5/805 split. East County Barbie - Was a cheerleader in middle school but now only rides with Desert Rat Ken in his California lifted Ford F-150, complete with white unfinished flair fenders, bed floor removed for spare tire holder, and no carburator. F-150 can only be purchased by parents who live in Alpine. Both come with optional Weed from Harbison Canyon and/or barbed wire tattoo. Will party in the desert all through her 20s and then finish her AA at Grossmont College when she's 35. Temecula Barbie - Desperately wants to be part of San Diego Barbie collection but can't afford a house in SD. But she does actually own a house with Commuter Ken. Ken knows I-15 like the back of his hand as he spends 4 hours a day driving to and from work..

Dear Santa, I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. I'v ben a gud boy all yeer. Yer Friend, Billy Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawncare. How about I send you a book so you can learn to read and spell? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell. Santa ***************************************************** Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah Dear Sarah, Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they? Santa **************************************************** Dear Santa, I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do. Love, Teddy Dear Teddy, Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me send you some Legos instead. Santa **************************************************** Dear Santa, I want a new bike, a Playstation 2, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba. Love, Francis Dear Francis, Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays. I bet you're gay. I'll set you up with a Barbie. Santa **************************************************** Dear Santa, I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door. Love, Susan Dear Susan, Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of Scotch. Santa *************************************************** Dear Santa, What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys? Your friend, Thomas Dear Thomas, All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know. Santa **************************************************** Dear Santa, Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song? Love, Jessica Dear Jessica, Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house. Santa **************************************************** Dear Santa, I really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please, PLEASE, PLEASE could I have one? Love, Timmy Dear Timmy, That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again. Santa **************************************************** Dearest Santa, We don't have a chimney in our house. How do you get into our home? Love, Marky Dear Mark, First stop callling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window. Sweet dreams, Santa

FEE-nix- You must learn to pronounce the city name. It is: "FEE - niks." The morning rush hour is from 5:00 am to 10:00 am. The evening rush hour is from 3:00 pm to 7:00 pm. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning. The minimum acceptable speed on all freeways ~ I-10, I-17, US 60, Loop 202 ~ is 85 mph. You may only exceed that speed on Loop 101,where the speed is allowed to match the highway number. Anything less is considered wussy. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Phoenix has its own version of traffic rules. Cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go next at a four-way st op. The truck with the biggest tires goes after that. (Note: East Valley ~ SUV-driving, cell phone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way.) If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended,cussed out, and very possibly shot. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. Construction is a permanent fixture in Phoenix. Detour barrels are moved around during the middle of the night to make the next day's driving a bit more exciting. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks, dogs, barrels, cones, cows, horses, cats, mattresses, shredded tires, squirrels, rabbits, crows, vultures, javelinas, roadrunners, and the coyotes feeding on any of these items. You must know that "Maricopa Freeway, Papago Freeway and the I-10" are the same road. To find anything in Phoenix, it is required to know where Central and Washington are. This is our Alpha and Omega - the Beginning and the End. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been "accidentally activated." If you are in the left lane, and only driving 70 in a 55-65 mph zone you are considered a road hazard and will be "flipped off" accordingly. Ground clearance of at least 12 inches is recommended for city driving. You are allowed to wear potholders to protect your hands and fingers during summer driving. And for Felicia's 2 cents I agree with 99% of this except that depending on the time of year the speed limit on the freeway is anywhere between 45-105 and there is no such thing as slower traffic stays to the right. Also... IF you get in a car accident and they tell you it will take 4 weeks to fix your car. You can count on at least 10 weeks! SIGH... still.. NO CAR! UGH! Felicia