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A married man was having an affair
with his secretary.
One day they went to her place
and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep
and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed
and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
'I can't lie to you,' he replied,
'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.'
She looked down at his shoes and said:
'You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!'
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A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant
and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery
to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child
he had ever seen.
He told his wife: 'There's no way I can
be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'
A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part
he had ever seen!
'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician
commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated
with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.'
So, he removed it,
stuffed it into his briefcase,
and took it home.
'I have something to show
you won't believe,' he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.
'My God!' the wife exclaimed,
'Schwartz is dead!'
A woman was in bed with her lover
when she heard her husband
opening the front door.
'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'
She rubbed baby oil all over him,
then dusted him with talcum powder.
'Don't move until I tell you,'
she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'
'What's this?' the husband inquired
as he entered the room.
'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.
'The Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too.'
No more was said,
not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up,
went to the kitchen and returned
with a sandwich and a beer.
'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
and nobody offered me a damned thing.'
A man walked into a cafe,
went to the bar and ordered a beer.
'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'
'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy steak
and a bottle of wine?'
'A nickel,' the barman replied.
'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
The bartender replied:
'Upstairs, with my wife.'
The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs
with your wife?'
The bartender replied:
'The same thing I'm doing
to his business down here.'
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.'
'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.
'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!'
'I know,' she replied.
'Now just rest and let the poison work.'
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These are real standing laws from around the United States of America.
Alabama:
1. It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.
California:
1. Community leaders passed an ordinance that makes it illegal for anyone to try and stop a child from playfully jumping over puddles of water.
Connecticut:
1. You can be stopped by the police for biking over 65 miles per hour.
2. You are not allowed to walk across a street on your hands.
Florida:
1. Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner.
2. A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing.
3. If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle.
4. <SARASOTA> Illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.
5. Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.
Illinois:
1. It is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, and other domesticated animal kept as pets.
Indiana:
1. Bathing is prohibited during the winter.
2. Citizens are not allowed to attend a movie house or theater nor ride in a public streetcar within at least four hours after eating garlic.
Iowa:
1. Kisses may last for as much as, but no more than, five minutes.
Kentucky:
1. By law, anyone who has been drinking is "sober" until he or she "cannot hold onto the ground."
2. It is illegal to transport an ice cream cone in your pocket.
Louisiana:
1. It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a water pistol.
2. Biting someone with your natural teeth is "simple assault," while biting someone with your false teeth is "aggravated assault."
Massachusetts:
1. Mourners at a wake may not eat more than three sandwiches.
2. Snoring is prohibited unless all bedroom windows are closed and securely locked.
3. An old ordinance declares goatees illegal unless you first pay a special license fee for the privilege of wearing one in public.
4. Taxi drivers are prohibited from making love in the front seat of their taxi during their shifts.
Nebraska:
1. A parent can be arrested if his child cannot hold back a burp during a church service.
New Mexico:
1. Females are strictly forbidden to appear unshaven in public.
New York:
1. A fine of $25 can be levied for flirting. This old law specifically prohibits men from turning around on any city street and looking "at a woman in that way." A second conviction for a crime of this magnitude calls for the violating male to be forced to wear a "pair of horse-blinders" wherever and whenever he goes outside for a stroll.
North Dakota:
1. Beer & pretzels can't be served at the same time in any bar or restaurant.
Ohio:
1. Women are prohibited from wearing patent leather shoes in public.
Oklahoma:
1. Violators can be fined, arrested or jailed for making ugly faces at a dog.
2. Females are forbidden from doing their own hair without being licensed by the state.
3. Dogs must have a permit signed by the mayor in order to congregate in groups of three or more on private property.
Pennsylvania:
1. A special cleaning ordinance bans housewives from hiding dirt and dust under a rug in a dwelling.
2. No man may purchase alcohol without written consent from his wife.
Texas:
1. A city ordinance states that a person cannot go barefoot without first obtaining a special five-dollar permit.
2. It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing.
Vermont:
1. Lawmakers made it obligatory for everybody to take at least one bath each week -- on Saturday night.
Washington:
1. All lollipops are banned.
2. A law to reduce crime states: "It is mandatory for a motorist with criminal intentions to stop at the city limits and telephone the chief of police as he is entering the town.
West Virginia:
1. No children may attend school with their breath smelling of "wild onions."
Forget about BeetleCam and other devices. A British photographer risked his life as he captured these wildlife shots.
(15 photos total)
1. Jonathan Griffiths held his camera just inches away from tigers, bears and cougars as he took the pictures. (Jonathan Griffiths/Solent)
2. The 32-year-old endured minus 40 degree Celsius temperatures at a Canadian wildlife breeding reserve as he gained the trust of each animal over two or three days. (Jonathan Griffiths/Solent)
3. He enticed them with meat - mainly chicken - to photograph them close-up in his 15-month project. (Jonathan Griffiths/Solent)
4. In one photograph a lion demonstrated its raw power by swiping at his camera... (Jonathan Griffiths/Solent)
5. ...and in another shot a tiger left condensation on his lens with its breath. (Jonathan Griffiths/Solent)
6. Jonathan, from Egham, in Surrey, only got a camera two years ago as a birthday present from his fiancee with the intention of photographing their newborn son. (Jonathan Griffiths/Solent)
7. However, after spending time at the local zoo, Jonathan decided he wanted to take pictures of powerful predators in the wild and researched the best places to spot them. (Jonathan Griffiths/Solent)
8. The currency trader flew to Canada, where he stayed in a lodge by a wildlife breeding reserve. He would wake up at 5.30am each day, trekking off mountain trails in search of snow leopards, wolves and black leopards. A guide at the wildlife reserve stood by his side as he came face to face with some of nature's most dangerous animals to capture them in intimate detail. (Jonathan Griffiths/Solent)
9. Jonathan said: "At first I was quite nervous being so close to the animals as I did not know what to expect and they are wild... (Jonathan Griffiths/Solent)
10. For Jonathan the scariest moment came when he came face-to-face with a black leopard, "which made me fear for my life and I thought it could attack at any moment. It was was just mean and did not like humans full stop". (Jonathan Griffiths/Solent)
11. "My family think I'm a bit nuts and worry about the consequences if something went wrong. But I just like getting as close as possible to get a different kind of shot." On the approach....a Bobcat. (Jonathan Griffiths/Solent)
12. A Siberian tiger bares its teeth. (Jonathan Griffiths/Solent)
13. A Brown bear covered in snow. (Jonathan Griffiths/Solent)
14. Two Brown bears roar at the camera. (Jonathan Griffiths/Solent)
15. A Siberian tiger. (Jonathan Griffiths/Solent)
