Steps to Closure When a Friendship Ends
By Therese J. Borchard
Friendships are like marriages. Some evolve to become mutually
supportive and life-giving bonds while others grow more and more
unhealthy, or even toxic. When a friendship ends—abruptly or subtly;
via e-mail, phone conversation, or personal confrontation; with words
or silence—I believe it needs to be mourned and processed in the same
way as a terminated marriage. Because, even if a split was inevitable
or right, it still hurts, just as much, or sometimes even more, than
breaking up with a beau. Here, then, are eight ways to make sure you
get closure and peace, especially if there was no good-bye.
1. Compose a good-bye letter.
Of course, no one is going to read it. But that’s not the point. The
exercise of writing it is astonishingly therapeutic. I’ve written many
old boyfriends letters that I never sent, some family members, and my
father after he died. I needed a way to communicate that was for
purely selfish reasons. So that I could hear myself say good-bye to
this person that I really liked, or loved, or enjoyed having as a
Facebook friend.
2. Pluck out the feeling.
Sometimes feelings need a little nudging in order for us to
acknowledge and process them. It’s like they are seeds stuck in a
shell, and we need to scoop them out in order to free them. Some
helpful exercises for scooping out the seeds of rejection and sadness
from a terminated friendship: looking through pictures of trips
together or graduation from high school or college, listening to songs
that trigger memories, or frequenting the coffee shop where you used
to meet. They all help you to mourn an ending.
3. Plan a ritual.
I know this sounds voodoo-ish, actually that’s a step I’m getting to.
But seriously, it’s not like you have a funeral to go to, or any way
of moving through this in a symbolic way that can help you process
your emotions. So you’re going have to create one … a ceremony of
sorts.
After it was clear to me that an old boyfriend in college was simply
not into me, I took the beautiful poem that he wrote me to a cemetery
on the campus of Saint Mary’s College. I knelt there, ripped up the
poem, and threw the pieces of paper into the air, crying (really
hard). The most amazing thing happened. It started snowing. Right at
that very second. It was like the heavens heard my cry, and the angels
were tearing up sheets of paper right along with me. You don’t need
the snow to feel better, though. Just the ripping should do the job.
4. Fill the space with something new.
This is true for any loss. When I stopped drinking I had to come up
with some sober activities ASAP. Ditto when I stopped smoking. And on
down the addiction list … It always feels uncomfortable at first.
That’s a good sign. It means you are processing emotions, which is
part of closure. If it felt cozy, then I’d say you weren’t doing it
right. But change can be fun and challenging at the same time. And
you’re allowed to use four lettered words if you don’t like it at
first, unless you’ve given those up too.
5. Get even.
Here’s where the voodoo comes in handy. Only kidding, of course, but I
did tell Fresh Living blogger Holly Rossi (for her story, click here)
that if that bridesmaid/friend who dissed her (Holly) after the
wedding comes begging for friendship later, when the chick is on
husband number two, Holly has every right to dis her right back. But
revenge doesn’t need to be mean to be effective. In fact, the best
revenge is sweet, like arriving at a great spot in your life, finding
peace with yourself without that person who dumped you.
6. Make a plan.
You might think about what you would do if the friend comes begging
back. Because it happens. Or you run into her at the bank or the
grocery, and your mouth opens but no noise comes out. Best to have a
script, to think it through: if this person wants into my life again,
should I let her? That’s a hard one. Go back and view my video in
order to answer that question. I ask myself this: Does the
relationship empower me, or deflate me? Does this person build me up
or tear me down? And can I be sincere–truly sincere–when I’m with her?
This goes for new friends too. Start a new friend policy now. What are
the requirements from now on for a person to be your friend? You
deserve some, you know.
7. Stay with the pain.
You knew I was going here, because I always do. Back to Henri Nouwen’s
words, about staying with the loneliness, about feeling it, not
rushing into activity to skip over it … about going through it, not
around it. He writes:
It is not easy to stay with your loneliness. …. But when you can
acknowledge your loneliness in a safe, contained place, you make your
pain available for God’s healing. God does not want your loneliness;
God wants to touch you in a way that permanently fulfills your deepest
need. It is important that you dare to stay with your pain and allow
it to be there. You have to own your loneliness and trust that it will
not always be there. The pain you suffer now is meant to put you in
touch with the place where you most need healing, your very
heart….Dare to stay with your pain, and trust in God’s promise to you.
8. Don’t take it personally.
I know, I know … yeah, right! But if you can do this on any level, you
save yourself so much suffering. In his classic, “The Four
Agreements,” don Miguel Ruiz writes, “Even when a situation seems so
personal, even if others insult you directly, it has nothing to do
with you. What they say, what they do, and the opinions they give are
according to the agreements they have in their own minds. …If you do
not take it personally, you are immune in the middle of hell.” Man, I
like that.
Therese J. Borchard writes the daily Beliefnet.com blog Beyond Blue
(voted by Psych Central as one of the Top 10 Depression Blogs) and
moderates Group Beyond Blue, the Beliefnet Community online support
group for depression. Her memoir “Beyond Blue: Surviving Depression &
Anxiety and Making the Most of Bad Genes” will be released in January
of 2010. Subscribe to Beyond Blue here or visit her at
www.ThereseBorchard.com.
By Therese J. Borchard
March 29, 2009
Friendships are like marriages. Some evolve to become mutually
supportive and life-giving bonds while others grow more and more
unhealthy, or even toxic. When a friendship ends—abruptly or subtly;
via e-mail, phone conversation, or personal confrontation; with words
or silence—I believe it needs to be mourned and processed in the same
way as a terminated marriage. Because, even if a split was inevitable
or right, it still hurts, just as much, or sometimes even more, than
breaking up with a beau. Here, then, are eight ways to make sure you
get closure and peace, especially if there was no good-bye.
1. Compose a good-bye letter.
Of course, no one is going to read it. But that’s not the point. The
exercise of writing it is astonishingly therapeutic. I’ve written many
old boyfriends letters that I never sent, some family members, and my
father after he died. I needed a way to communicate that was for
purely selfish reasons. So that I could hear myself say good-bye to
this person that I really liked, or loved, or enjoyed having as a
Facebook friend.
2. Pluck out the feeling.
Sometimes feelings need a little nudging in order for us to
acknowledge and process them. It’s like they are seeds stuck in a
shell, and we need to scoop them out in order to free them. Some
helpful exercises for scooping out the seeds of rejection and sadness
from a terminated friendship: looking through pictures of trips
together or graduation from high school or college, listening to songs
that trigger memories, or frequenting the coffee shop where you used
to meet. They all help you to mourn an ending.
3. Plan a ritual.
I know this sounds voodoo-ish, actually that’s a step I’m getting to.
But seriously, it’s not like you have a funeral to go to, or any way
of moving through this in a symbolic way that can help you process
your emotions. So you’re going have to create one … a ceremony of
sorts.
After it was clear to me that an old boyfriend in college was simply
not into me, I took the beautiful poem that he wrote me to a cemetery
on the campus of Saint Mary’s College. I knelt there, ripped up the
poem, and threw the pieces of paper into the air, crying (really
hard). The most amazing thing happened. It started snowing. Right at
that very second. It was like the heavens heard my cry, and the angels
were tearing up sheets of paper right along with me. You don’t need
the snow to feel better, though. Just the ripping should do the job.
4. Fill the space with something new.
This is true for any loss. When I stopped drinking I had to come up
with some sober activities ASAP. Ditto when I stopped smoking. And on
down the addiction list … It always feels uncomfortable at first.
That’s a good sign. It means you are processing emotions, which is
part of closure. If it felt cozy, then I’d say you weren’t doing it
right. But change can be fun and challenging at the same time. And
you’re allowed to use four lettered words if you don’t like it at
first, unless you’ve given those up too.
5. Get even.
Here’s where the voodoo comes in handy. Only kidding, of course, but I
did tell Fresh Living blogger Holly Rossi (for her story, click here)
that if that bridesmaid/friend who dissed her (Holly) after the
wedding comes begging for friendship later, when the chick is on
husband number two, Holly has every right to dis her right back. But
revenge doesn’t need to be mean to be effective. In fact, the best
revenge is sweet, like arriving at a great spot in your life, finding
peace with yourself without that person who dumped you.
6. Make a plan.
You might think about what you would do if the friend comes begging
back. Because it happens. Or you run into her at the bank or the
grocery, and your mouth opens but no noise comes out. Best to have a
script, to think it through: if this person wants into my life again,
should I let her? That’s a hard one. Go back and view my video in
order to answer that question. I ask myself this: Does the
relationship empower me, or deflate me? Does this person build me up
or tear me down? And can I be sincere–truly sincere–when I’m with her?
This goes for new friends too. Start a new friend policy now. What are
the requirements from now on for a person to be your friend? You
deserve some, you know.
7. Stay with the pain.
You knew I was going here, because I always do. Back to Henri Nouwen’s
words, about staying with the loneliness, about feeling it, not
rushing into activity to skip over it … about going through it, not
around it. He writes:
It is not easy to stay with your loneliness. …. But when you can
acknowledge your loneliness in a safe, contained place, you make your
pain available for God’s healing. God does not want your loneliness;
God wants to touch you in a way that permanently fulfills your deepest
need. It is important that you dare to stay with your pain and allow
it to be there. You have to own your loneliness and trust that it will
not always be there. The pain you suffer now is meant to put you in
touch with the place where you most need healing, your very
heart….Dare to stay with your pain, and trust in God’s promise to you.
8. Don’t take it personally.
I know, I know … yeah, right! But if you can do this on any level, you
save yourself so much suffering. In his classic, “The Four
Agreements,” don Miguel Ruiz writes, “Even when a situation seems so
personal, even if others insult you directly, it has nothing to do
with you. What they say, what they do, and the opinions they give are
according to the agreements they have in their own minds. …If you do
not take it personally, you are immune in the middle of hell.” Man, I
like that.
Therese J. Borchard writes the daily Beliefnet.com blog Beyond Blue
(voted by Psych Central as one of the Top 10 Depression Blogs) and
moderates Group Beyond Blue, the Beliefnet Community online support
group for depression. Her memoir “Beyond Blue: Surviving Depression &
Anxiety and Making the Most of Bad Genes” will be released in January
of 2010. Subscribe to Beyond Blue here or visit her at
www.ThereseBorchard.com.
I dont end friendships i try and keep all friends . I have know some of my friends for over 35 yrs .