Tomcat's blog: "Stardust - tomcats blog"

The attendant in the paramedic's van told the driver to turn on the lights and the sirens wailed into the evening night.  My blood pressure was dropping to nearly nothing and I could feel my self dipping into the sea of possiblities,  I wanted to close my eyes and let the angels carry me away to that place in the ever after but somethiing deep inside told me to stay alert, to be aware and conscious and so I rejected the urge to dose off.   They were taking the surface streets instead of the freeway and I recall wondering why.  I thought of all the neighbors who flocked out to watch them haul me out of the house when the big fire truck rolled up.   I was starting to perk up again as the IV cooly flowed up my arm. 

I was soon at the ER and it did not take long for me to recover and my blood pressure returned to normal and remained constant.  I was in a good mood then and joked with the doctor as they ran every test they could think of doing.   This was the first time I was ever transported to a emergency room in my whole life and I did not like the idea that I had fallen into such a state of exsistance.  None the less the test showed that everything was fine and that  I  just had wha they call a fainting spell, perhaps due to the sudden rise in temperatures here as summer arrived.  He told me to eat more meat and drink lots of water (normally I drink coffee).  No prescriptions required.

I asked the doc to unhook the IVs stuck in my arm so I could walk around and to my surprise the did it.   The last test came back from the lab and he released me.  It was midnight then,  a while from the time the  911 call was made at my request. 

When I got home all we had was some beef hot dogs and I doubted if they really had beefy meat in them at all,   but the landlady had called to see how I was and to my suprise the next morning arrived with some bags of meaty food for me to consume - to hold me over till next payday.    She remarked "stay healthy because I don't want to go to the trouble of finding a new renter".  

Being that my birthday came around had to renew my dirving license.  I passed the eye test and the written exame okay and paid my $30 bucks to Uncle Same in case they need to bail out another bank someday.   Then got in line to have my photo taken.

Now normally we like to look good in our photo ID because everyone wants to copy it.  But this year I was determined to get the worse picture of me tha that the DMV has ever done (and they have done a few dissapponting pics before so why try to look cool or fantastic?).  I did not shave for a few days,  wore some old shirt and tried to make my hair stick out funny like.  Did not smile.   My objective was to look like a worthless bum.  

This is the most fun I ever had at the DMV office.  And it did not take long (no long lines) because I live in a hick town.

I can hardly wait to see the results when I get my worse looking photo on a driver's license - ever issued to me.   Just wait til the next cop wants to see it,  or one of those banker people.   LOL

Ha - another year ending on a good note.

I am gratefull for the few friends that I have encountered on line, especially those who are not too wealthy to comprehend the meaning of that valued title.  And I hope I did not let anyone down in that respect myself.  Although chances are I did.   True, some can come dancing across the field like sunshine on a dark day and then leave you to die like a fox on the run, none the less I will.  For friendships have an eternal connection deep down inside that are forever - not just another one night stand or a passing fling.   Perhaps these are the words of a foolish fool,  but who am I to judge my self?

I have pets that I call friends - but they have little choice in the matter. people do.    I have absract friends which are my vices and addictions - cigarettes are my life and my wife.   Coffee and my loud music - they are the mediums that I once shared with friends,  they are here when the old school passes away into a memory of the good old days.   I am still addicted to Jesus even - hey! anyone who can make wine out of water is a pretty cool dude in my book.  And the great spirit of Mother Nature,  who is both a bitch and a comforter.  I will always be her friend for she is my mother - mother earth, the foundation for my roots.

But human friendships are even more important then all else. They are the fiber that makes it all worthwhile,  even if they feel they are lacking the perfections so demanded by the higher-ups,  they are still holy in my eyes.   For my eyes cannot look down on them, no matter what,  my eyes cannot look up to them,  for they are not high.  But eye to eye we can see each other - deep into the very soul and heart. And deep in the heart of a friend is a rare treasure that money cannot buy,  that a marrage certificate cannot dictate,  it is a gift called friendship,  it is un-nameable.   So be it.

My birthday is on June 29th. 

If any of you wish to send me a card via regular mail my address is as follows.

Charles Davis

33319 Lime St.  Lake Elsinore,  California 92530 - 1515  USA

 I am giving out this address because I may not be online later this month due to dissconnection notice (temporary) due to budget problems.

thank you for reading this. 

Wind in the trees making a kind of music that only those with ears to hear can hear,  music generated by the conflicting forces of hot and cold.  Friction.

Now we have Ida - the lastest primate fosil to support the ideas of evolution, the baby girl primate has human like teeth, a long tail,  and real nails instead of claws on her fingers.  She is only about a foot tall but has left a gaint impression on the minds of science.

But still we do not have all the answers,  no absolute proofs if we evolved or if we were created by the great Spirit.   We partook of knowlege to become as the gods but never really made the grade you know,  stuck here in the middle somewhere between ape and angel.

Because we always must consume more and more knowlege,  to know more and more,  and yet cannot be filled to satisfaction.  Yeah, some of the experts have got fat egos,  but in truth they are as stupid as the rest of us,  they just are better at sounding like the authorities. 

Knowledge like the wind blows and blows,   sometimes good and sometimes distructive.  As soon as we think we know it all some new novel fact will emerge to upset the apple carts again.  

The evolution of ideas continue and so do our man-made creations that our imaginations give birth too.   We create moden day myths with the help of physics,  and we repeat speculations over and over so that they can harden into truisms,  Ha.

But in each moment there is a knowing, a knowing that is relative only to that particular moment,  have you ever experienced the knowing? 

I often think that I have experienced being here in the now,  but not sure.   That point of nearly absolute awareness.   Aha.   Yet I await the rapture,  when the imagination draws me upwards into the skys of what could be,  what should be.   Taking from reality only the clay to mold a new world within yet beyond,  the world of the ever-afters.    

A single shot rang out and Martin King Jr fell - he was killed not by someone in a distant battlefield but by those here in the USA who with a single shot snuffed out the light we call freedom of speech, the light men in past wars had died for to protect and to insure.

He was making anti-war speeches during the Nam years in protest of violence as a means to reach our objectives.

Martin King Jr was not the only one who wanted to stop the mounting body counts or a seemingly endless "war" - which Nixon called a "police action".    Protesters acorss the nation were beat down with billy clubs and tossed into jails when they attempted to protest the war in a non-violent way, their freedoms of speech also smashed by the very government who was supposed to be representing our Consitution.  

Students were killed at Kent State.  Orange tear gas filled the air and the world had gone totally insane.  The crys for peace were rejected.

No one knew just why the conflict in Nam was so important, the men on the battlefield was not even sure which of the people were the enemy and which ones they were there to save.   Who would protect us from our self was really the main question,  and no answers were ever forthcoming.

The only distraction from the insanity was more drugs - getting high to forget and to escape form the confusion and lack of trust in humanity.  The needle also took a few lives in those days, some famous people and many that remain as the unknown victims of that era.

Yes, we had to live under the fears of a nuclear doomsday for a couple of generations now,  ever since that day in 1945,  thur the 50s and 60s - and even today.  The peaceniks almost won and plans were set forth to get rid of nuclear bombs and technology,  but the rug again was pulled out from under us,  we started producing more bombs, stock piling them in mass, year after year.   Now Iran and N.K. want nuclear power also and we think we are rightiousness to try to prevent that,  that which we created on earth.   How long - how long- will we will move blindly forward is anyones guess.

Yes, King was shot, John Lennon was shot,  but the movement has not stopped,  "Give Peace a Chance goddamit"  Yes, I remember Crazy Horse also.

Yes I remember those on the other side, those whom the meida will ignore on a holiday such as today.   Not all of the fallen were holding guns, some of them had signs,  or a song to sing.

Written by Tomcat.

The last doctor I saw late friday checked my throat and mouth areas with a snoope probe and found no evidence that skin cancer on my neck acturally spread from those areas - my throat and mouth areas and nose are in healthy condition he reported.

So it looks like the doc I am supposed to trust made the wrong speculations. 

But they still want to conduct a pet scan to confirm what we already know.  

When I mentioned to the doc about treating skin cancer by freezing the cells dead the got really mad and said that "this is my business and we know what is best for you"'   He wants to set up appointment for me to get briefed on radiation treatments that they feel is the best way to go.  Which is the only way they can go because the primary group I am involved with does not conduct any alternatives other then the one they claim is the best one.

Got call to see cancer doctor this afternoon and got my first 10 min visual inspection by the doctor.   He said that he thinks the hospital staff who studied the sample taken by the general surgen came up with the wrong opinon and that I no doubt do not have skin cancer like I was formerly told.   That exposure to sun did not cause tumor on the neck as the lab techs suggested.  So apparently I wasted a lot of time going to hospital and so forth not to mention wasting money that SS will have to pay out

The new doctor thinks that the cancer started someplace else in the body and then spread to the neck.  But he has no name for what type of cancer I have as yet - because much more testing is needed. He said.  More testing - scans - and so forth start tomorrow.

Did research on internet and found that my skin cancer can be treated with Cryosurgery which is a low risk procedure where they kill the rebel cells by freezing them with liguid nitrogen. 

The bad news is that my primary doctor is not talking to me but only directed me to yet another doctor which was recomended by the general surgen who removed the tiny sample to testing.   Someone who has a sepcialty related to the neck area - "nose and ear" doc. so he can give his input.   And he recomended that I get a x-ray scan of the area involved.

No one as yet has directed me to a doctor that treats cancer patients.

My appointment with the neck doctor was yesterday but the old lady at their front desk refused to accept me because I was never issued a card from S S medicare, claiming that she cannot confirm that I will be coverd by it ( money more important then treating people ).  Although two hospitals and 3 doctors were able to confirm my status via my SS number on their computer that office said they are not set up to do that type of confirmation.  So now I got to call back the pirmary doctor to get re-directed.  

Meanwhile the cancer cells could spread to other areas of the body while testing continues to delay seeing a doctor that treats cancer.

Other treatments such as curettage and micrographic surgery are possislbe treatments but primary doctor wants me to go get breefing on Chemotherapy and Radiation treatments.  Under that more drawn out treatment I most hope that cell growth can be prevented such that rebel cells "ultimately" die.  According to her nurse - being that I could not talk over all the possible choices with the primary doctor who is too busy to see me right away.

Frankly I am getting fed up with all this delay and want to get to the final doctor who acturally has knowledge on how to treat the problem.

Been to four doctors over the past two months and still no treatment for the actural medical problem - just testing - testing my heart, x rays of lungs - surgery to remove tiny sample for testing - plus I saw the primary doctor twice.   Had to visit the other testers two or three times each. 

President Obama has a lot of work ahead of him if they want to reform our healthcare system here in the USA.

Just got back from hospital where a surgen removed a sample from the "mass" located on the side of my neck.   The tests showed that I have Squamous Cell Cancer and so more treatment will be needed down the road.   In layman terms that is also called "skin cancer" which is very treatable with high rate of success expected.

In about a week from now I go back to the doc to have bandage removed and at that time he willl refer me to another doctor who can do the final treatments.   Eather complete removal of the "blob" or they will blast it and make it shrink away.   The treatment today has allowed me to regain use of my voice so that I do not sound like a squeeky mouse.  

Did not have to get any prescriptions other then special pain pills that I can use only if needed and I am the judge of that.  Do not need them yet.   Otherwise I feel upbeat and and in good spirits.