BK's blog: "Sometimes you just gotta blog..."

This is a long story, so I apologize in advance.

In 2006 I originally joined Fubar with some friends. It was fun. This was before it got with crazy with the leveling, spending money, and being green etc. I met a guy. I will call him X. He was charming, funny, and seemed really sincere. We eventually moved our friendship to myspace, then facebook, etc. X was a successful business man. Tall, dark, handsome. The entire package. He was a dream. Sadly, that all he will ever be... a dream.  

X knew I was (IRL) married so he never really pursued me in that way. He claimed to be a churched person and was very much into his religion. Innocent right?  We became fast friends. Yes, I will admit there was a flirtation, and a attraction. I won't lie. I knew it was wrong to have these feelings but I kept telling myself it was innocent flirting.  We talked on the phone constantly and endless amount of text messages. We lost touch for a year or two then, last year when I got divorced and we started talking again. For a moment,  I thought this was my chance at happiness, but I was sadly mistaken. X said he never forgot about me and wanted to see where the future would lead. I was flattered but honestly, my crush I had on him had dimenished. I didnt feel the same anymore, yet I still wanted to remain close. I wanted us to be REAL friends and not just online friends. I wanted to see if we could be the "best friends" like we always called each other. I honestly thought we did have some sort of connection.  He even used to say he loved me. Love? Really? 

Recently, I realized that he deleted his FB account. He hadn't been returning any of my texts or instant messages.  X been known to disappear on occasion, so I wanted to see if he was on other sites. He pretty much uses the same screen name on everything, so I decided to be the jr. detective that I am. Lets just say, I can find anything on google. Google is a girls best friend.   

In a nutshell, I found out that X been talking to numerous girls over the past few years and I was never that special person he said I was. I found him on a BDSM site. (I had to google b/c I didnt know what it was) and when I found his twitter account, he was only conversing with cam girls and pornstars. Yes it was naive of me to believe all the stories and all the words, but when someone seems so genuine and so real, and when you are unhappy with your life at the time, you only believe the things you want to hear. Makes me wonder if ANYTHING he told me was true. X had told me a story about how he had to break up with his ex because she was addicted to talking to guys online. Now I am thinking that he is the one with the problem. 

You're probably thinking why am I so upset... Yeah, I didn't have those feelings for him anymore so why does it matter. If I wasn't in love with him, why does it matter? Thats not the point. The point is, when you open up your heart and life to someone and you think you are real friends,and they call you a special person in their life, and then they treat you like a disposable diaper, yeah, it kinda hurts. Call me naive. Call me too trusting. I know, it was stupid of me, but I really believed him. 5 years of "friendship" =  fraud. What a waste of my time, energy, and emotions.

No words can express how pissed, hurt, annoyed, betrayed, saddened.... etc. Embarrassed at the thought of ever thinking I was worthy of this persons attention and "love." I am convinced, now more than ever that people on the internet are fake and phoney, and no one is there true authentic self.  This just confirms the fact, that e-lations are a big waste of time and it isn't real at all.  I can honestly say that I thought that he was one of my best friends at one point. The conversations we had and the emotions we shared seem so real.  

My advice to people that are into "e-lations"... even if they have a salute/numerous amounts of pics, they could be fake. Even if they are on Facebook, they could be fake. Even if you have talked to them on the phone, they could be fake. If they make excuses for not having a cam at all, they could be a fake. (you can get a cam for 20 bucks, JFS) Even if you have seen them on cam, they could still mos def could be a fake. Unless you have met them IRL, then maybe you have a chance.  I will never have e-lations again.  Yes the internet is a great way to meet people and make fast friends, BUT if you are only relying  on your relationship on the net, you need to re-evaluate.  I will meet people from online I'm sure. Maybe I will date someone from online.  **With the exception of maybe 5 people,**  I will never say someone is close to me or my best friend again UNLESS I meet them first. I will never fall for someone, until I meet them first.  I know there is a lot of fakers out there, and I don't see this trend stopping anytime soon. Its not just alter egos, and weird screen names...  we are real people behind the computer screens, and for some reason that gets lost in the moments of the flirtations and funny convos.  I know MANY of you will not agree with this. You will continue to call someone your "BFF" and your "soulmate". You will continue to live in your fantasyland. Am I cyncial? Indeed I am. But I am not here to judge other relationships, if thats what you want then,  I hope it works out for you, I really do. But for me, I will never fall into that trap ever again. I will never trust or be that naive again. And mos def, I will never "love" that way again. I guess you could say, its going to take a mighty strong and determined person to break down this wall I have up. 

I hope one day I will be able to trust again, but until then, I can only count on myself to be my own best friend.  I am a fairly forgiving person, and I hope X will reach out and apologize one day.  But I must thanks X for showing me what NOT to do the next time.  Thank you X for showing me that I cannot be too trusting of others just because they are funny and make me laugh. Just because they are charming and they compliment me. ACTIONS speak louder than words, and unfortunately on the net, its all words. 

Been hurt before, and I'm sure I'l be hurt again, but like I alway tell people, "I am like bamboo, I will bend but never break."

Thanks for reading my ranting and rambling. I'm not really sure if this all makes sense, but they are my words coming from the emotions I am feeling right now.

p.s. Lust is not Love. LOVE is a strong word that people use to loosely.  LOVE is a 4 letter word, but so is F*CK. And thats how I feel. F*CKED. JFS.