OK, so recently, I've been re reading the book Easy by Emma Gold. A few days ago I stumbled across a part that I had forgotten about previously and was shocked to see myself in the book..well not me literally but a part that I saw myself in so I figured Id share it with whoever wants to read it.
"I had met the love of my life when I was younger. Meeting the love of my life was so easy that I had assumed that when we were no longer that I could just go out and find another one.
As we know,it has not been quite that straightforward. I am beginning to doubt whether I will ever find that kind of magic again. Perhaps I am lucky to have found such a special love once in my life and I should be grateful for that;I am sure many people never experience it at all.But I just feel that now I know what it is like to feel the intensity of true love and passion, I just cant settle for second best.Then I ask myself whether everyone who is not him will be second best. Is it true that you only have one true love in your life?In which case should I just give up now?
Of course, I was a different person when I met him, a little more innocent, trusting, open and vibrant.Although I already had emotional baggage, it was more of a handy travel case as opposed to crates of pain and paranoia now lodged in cold storage.
I reckon the reason I have accumulated so much baggage is that I do not deal with pain as it arises. Instead, you may have noticed,I put on a brave face,convince myself that the man in question is too screwed up,too old, too hairy and/or his cock is the wrong size and the sex is bad and I am better off without him.But the truth of it is that I don't think I can handle the pain.I don't think I will survive it.Perhaps I will fall into the depths of a dark depression never to return as a fully functioning individual.Or maybe, in my darkest moments, I believe that I will literally not survive- I wont be able to carry on and suicide will seem the only sensible answer to a life filled with disappointment and rejection.
I remember when I was younger and was first hurt by a man. I ran up to my bedroom and weighed up the options. I could either a) collapse with disappointment,cry and confront the fact that I yearned for an arrogant asshole or b) not let that arrogant asshole be responsible for one precious tear and remove all trace of him completely from my mind.
I remember consciously deciding to take route b.And I have taken route b ever since.In retrospect, what with the recurrent dreams of rejection, it may not have been the most sensible thing to give up on someone who I loved with my whole heart and soul."
