I'm cumming
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A small boy walks into his mother's room and inadvertently catches her topless. 'Mummy, Mummy, what are those?' he says, pointing to her breasts. 'Well, son,' she says, 'these are... er, balloons. And when I die, they inflate and float me up to heaven.' Incredibly, the boy appears to believe this explanation and goes off quite satisfied. Two days later, while his mother is making tea, he rushes into the kitchen. 'Mummy, Mummy, Aunt Eliza is dying!' 'What do you mean?' asks his mother. Well, she's out in the garden shed, lying on the floor. Both her balloons are out, Daddy's blowing them up, and she keeps yelling, 'God, I'm coming! God, I'm coming!'
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Arse-hole)
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While nursing a drink at a bar, a young woman was distressed to see a drunken unkempt man sit down next to her. "Say, honey-baby ... I'd really like to get into those pants of yours." "Thanks," she shot back, "But I've already got an a**hole in there."
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5 Kinds Of Sex
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1) The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honey-moon, you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.
2) The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage, you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen.
3) The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.
4) The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Fuck you!"
5) The fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the courtroom.
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$200 breasts
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A guy stops over his friends house and only the wife is home. She invites him in. He says, I'll give you $100 if you show me one of your breasts. She agrees and shows him one. He pulls another $100 bill out of his pocket and says I'll give you this other $100 if you show me your other breast. She agrees and shows him the other one. He says that was really nice, thanks her and leaves. When her husband gets home she tells him that his buddy stopped over. He says "great, did he drop off the $200 he owes me?"
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ICE CREAM, SIR??
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A man walks past an ice cream stand that advertises, "Every flavor ice cream in the world."
"Bullshit," thinks the man and walks in. "So you say you have every flavor ice cream in the world?" "O.K., I would like three scoops of cunt flavored ice cream please."
"No problem sir." The assistant gives the man three scoops of ice cream in a cone and the man takes a good lick.
Grimacing, he says, "This doesn't taste like cunt, it tastes like shit!" The assistant replies,
"Of course it tastes like shit when you take such long licks!"
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CHINESE ANYONE??
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A girl came home from a date. Her mother had waited up for her, and when the girl walked in the door, the mother noticed she had rice in her hair.
"Sally," she said, "you didn't tell me you were going to a wedding."
"I didn't mom," Sally replied. "I was giving a blowjob to a Chinese guy and he threw up on me."
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JACKO......
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Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby son.
The doctor walks in and Michael asks: "Doctor, how long before we can have sex?"
The doctor replies, "I'd wait until he's at least 14."
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12 inch prick
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Another guy walks into a bar with a one foot man sitting on his shoulder. He ordered a beer. The bartender was curious as he got the beer for the guy, but as he put the beer down on the bar, before the gut could reach it, the little man lept off his shoulder and picked up the beer and dumped it in the guys lap. The guy sighs and asks for a shot of whisky. As soon as the glass hits the bar, the little man threw the drink in the guts face and smashed the shot glass against the wall. "I have to know.... where did you get that guy?" "Well... I'll tell you... I was walking on the beach, saw a brass lamp, rubbed it, and a genie came out. He said I could have one wish. I asked for a twelve inch prick and this is what I got..."
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$20 to clean suit
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Two guys are sitting in a bar getting pretty loaded. Suddenly, one of them pukes lunch all over himself. "Aw man, my wife is going to kill me when she sees this," he says. His buddy replies, "Don't worry about it. That happened to me before. Here's what you do. Put a $20 bill in your pants pocket. When you get home, tell your wife that some drunk threw up on you and he gave you the twenty to pay for the cleaning, OK?" "All right, I'll try it." So he goes home and his wife immediately starts bitching about his suit. "Now look what you've done to yourself!!" "No, no, honey," he slurs back. "Some drunk guy puked on me, but he gave me this twenty bucks to get my suit cleaned." With that he reaches into his pocket and throws the money on the table. His wife looks at it and says, "I thought that you said he only gave you one $20. How come there are two here?" The man slurs back, "He shit in my pants, too."
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A Beautiful Thing
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My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast. "I got in a tiff with Riley." "Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said, surprised. "He must have had something in his hand." "That he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was." "Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?" "Aye, that I did, Mrs. Riley's tit," Kelly said. "And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight."
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The Worse Thing…A Really Bad Day
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There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry." "No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away." "I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
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SMELL!!!!
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A guy walks into an elevator and stands next to a beautiful woman. After a few minutes he turns to her and says, "Can I smell your pussy?"
The woman looks at him in disgust and says, "Certainly not!"
"Hmmm," he replies, "It must be your feet, then."
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2 TAMPONS!
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Two sanitary pads were floating down a sewer drain, and were approaching two tampons. Before the pads and tampons reached each other, one pad said to the other, "Should we say hi to those 2 tampons?"
The other pad responded, "Err... nah... they're stuck up cunts."
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BRAZILLIAN
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Two men are sitting in a restaurant. A gypsy woman sits opposite to them with her legs wide open. One man says, "Look, she has such dark hair on her genitals!"
The other replies, "Oh no, it isn't hair, it is dark panties!"They then made a bet - £100 . A waiter goes by so they ask him to find out for them. He did so, but takes all the money & walks away.
"What happened, why are you taking the money?!" Asked the men.
The Waiter replies, "Neither of you was right! She had her period and there were flies on her!"
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HARASSMENT!!!!!
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A man walks up to a woman in his office and tells her that her hair smells nice. She immediately goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit and explains why.
The supervisor is puzzled by this and says, "What's wrong with the coworker telling you your hair smells nice?"
The woman replies, "He's a midget."
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ISLAND LIFE
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Three guys and a girl are marooned on a desert island. After one week, the girl is so ashamed of what she's doing, she kills herself.
After another week, the guys are so ashamed of what they're doing, they bury her.
After another week, they're so ashamed of what they're doing, they dig her up again.
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LEPER!
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A leper walked into a bar and sat down. The bartender glanced over and promptly threw up all over himself and the floor.
The leper looked hurt and said, "Hey, I know I'm not exactly handsome, but I do have feelings and you could be a little sensitive about them."
The bartender, wiping his mouth on his sleeve, looked up and proclaimed, "I'm sorry as hell man, but it wasn't you. That guy sitting next to you keeps dipping his scratchings in your neck."
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SNAIL TRAIL!
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Three whores decide to see who has the biggest snatch. They get naked, and start fingering themselves and each other. After a few minutes, the first one squats on a glass top table, and then they measure the slimy outline she leaves.
The second one then squats on the table, and then they measure the slimy outline she leaves, which is even bigger.
The third one squats on the table, but when she stands back up, the first whore says, "You didn't leave an outline."
She says, "Smell the rim."
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NEVER TRUST AN UNDERTAKER!!
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Two necrophiliacs are at work in the morgue. One of them turns to the other and says, "You should have seen this woman they brought in last week. They pulled her out of the water after she'd been there for three weeks. Man, I'm tellin' you, her clit was just like a pickle."
"What," the other asks, "green?".
"No," says the first, "a bit sour."
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LUCKY TRAMPS!
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Two tramps were walking along the railroad tracks. One turns to the other, "I'm the luckiest guy in the world".
"Why is that?" said the other tramp.
"Well, I was walking down these tracks last week and I found a £20. I went into town and bought a case of wine and was drunk for three days."
The other tramp said, "That was pretty good, but I think I'm the luckiest guy in the world! I was walking down these very tracks about two weeks ago, & just up ahead was a gorgeous naked woman tied to the tracks. I untied her and took her up there in the trees and I had sex with her for two days."
"Jeeez", said the first tramp. "You are the luckiest guy! did you get a blow job, too?"
"Well", the other tramp said, "No, I never found her head."
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YUCK!!
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A guy picks up a girl in a bar, brings her home, and they start getting it on. He starts sucking on one of her tits and milk comes out. "Hey, are you pregnant?" he asks.
She says, "That wasn't a nipple, that was a boil."
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HEFFALUMPS!?
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Man goes to the doctor and says "I've got a huge hole in my ass"
The doctors says, "Drop your pants, bend over and let me have a look".
"F'ck me!" says the doctor, "what could have made a hole as big as that?"
Patient replies, "I've been fucked by an elephant!"
The doctor, stunned, says, "An elephants penis is long and thin, this hole is enormous!"
Patient... "He fingered me first!"
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DRUNK IN PUBLIC!!
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A cop stops his police car when he sees a couple sitting on the curb. The man is laying on his side with his trousers down, the girl has her finger up his arsehole, & is ramming away with a vengeance. The cop says, "What the hell is going on here?"
The girl says, "This is my date. When I told him I wouldn't spend the night with him, he started pounding down the booze. Now, he's too drunk to drive me home, so I'm trying to sober him up by making him puke."
The cop says, "That's not gonna make him puke."
She says, "Yeah? Wait till I switch this finger to his mouth."
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