Dear friends, I am here today, to put all joking aside. There is a problem that is plaguing society as we speak, and has been since the beginning of time. When man evolved from ape's, his originally prominent brow, useful for blocking the sun's glare, slowly started to dissolve, as man became a more resourceful species, building structures to block the sun, and so on. I hope you aren't snickering, because this is a serious issue. Man evolved past this simeon era, and as such, so did his appearance. I assume you're getting impatient, so I will cut to the chase. The problem I'm speaking of, is a medical condition know as Opticallus Browus Unus, or, the Unibrow.
Many of you are familiar with Sesame Street. You know, that fantastic educational show that everyone bagged on when they got too old for it, only to appreciate how great it was when they saw Barney come out and began to see their lunch go into re-runs as it returned up their trachia. Now, personally, one of my favorite characters was good 'ol Ernie, you know, the guy with a tuft of hair on the top of his head? Remember? Come on, I know you remember. He had a friend? Bert? He collected Bottle Caps? He had pigeons? If you don't know who I'm talking about by now, then just forget it. It's bad enough I just scared myself by being able to remember all of those details about Sesame Street. So anyway, back to Ernie. Ernie was the guy I just talked about. Ernie has nothing to do with the point here so let's move on. The point I'm trying to make here is that Snuffleupagus was a kick ass poo-poo colored elephant. Or at least I'm assuming he was. Come to think of it, I really like that guy that sang the "Near/Far" song. Anyway, the guy who sang the "Near/Far" song was on a show called Sesame Street. There was a guy on Sesame Street named Ernie. I don't know if you remember him, but he was the guy with uh....oh, deja-vu. Right, so anyway, Bert. Bert suffered from a classic unibrow. If you don't believe me, go rent some tapes from your local tape renting place, and check it out. This man's eyebrow starts above his left eye, and goes straight across his head to the right eye, without even thinking about taking a breather. I mean, I admire the eyebrow's stamina, but jesus. If you want to get technical, it could also start on the right eyebrow and go left, but realistically, the only text that reads right to left is Hebrew, and Yo no comprende Espanol, if you'll bloody excuse my French there.
Bert's case is only one of millions that are affecting all ages, all races, all everything. Opticallus Browus Unis, like BuckAndDie disease (AIDS) does NOT descriminate. I don't know how I can emphasize this any further. Like BuckAndDie disease, there is no cure for OBU, unless that electro thing really works. Which I'm not sure if it does. But frankly, that's a classy infomercial, and for only 4 simple payments of $14.45, I don't see how you can go wrong. Speaking of which, that 80's collection of music is pretty slick I think, and I would purchase it except I don't have a Credit Card, which is the direct cause of why I don't have any credit. On a related subject, I hate the Raiders. I hate the Raiders for a few reasons. First of all, a lot of their fans are not really Raider fans, they're just Anti-Niner fans. They hate the 49ers more than Unibrowers hate tweezers. I'm telling you they hate them like Unibrowers hate tweezers. No joke. Moving along here, there is no excuse for a Unibrower in todays technomalogically advanced day and night and age and stuff to not have that brow under control. We have a plethora of removal options and techniques at our disposal. I mean honestly...who throws a shoe?!?! While I'm being honest, there's a guy who hangs around pr VB, and I don't want to identify any one person, as I might disturb the PEACE, but man is that guy lame. Picking up where I left off, a while back, say oh I don't know the 7th century, some Grog man invented tweezers. This is a classy little device that is like spring loaded chopsticks. They have a bajillion (yes that's a real number, look it up) uses. The main idea is to grab things with them. So... when you take this concept and apply it to the problem at hand, you can effectively remove the trans-browic bridge that unifies two entities which have no business being held together. I mean come on here folks. We all know that unibrows are butt-booty-ugly. You have your wax option, your tweezer option, you have the electromashocker remover option. Don't even get me started on Nair. The wonders never cease, and neither does my amazement. I mean, when I was little those things would scare the begeezis out of me. Now that I'm all grown and everything I get all upset talking about "Hey!!! Don't point that damn thing at me!" On the flip side I don't condone fruity things like guys plucking eyebrows and carrying purses and even walking through the lingerie section in department stores. This however, is where I draw the line (no pun intended). Separate that damn thing!!! When you have funky breath, you brush those damn teeth right? Why?!?! Because it's nasty when you don't, and plus, you have a simple ass tool to do it with. Your finger....err....Toothbrush. How silly of me. So with that roadway you have going across your forehead, add an intersection there, it's better for the flow of traffic anyway.
My point is, you people with unibrows need to add intersection to ease the flow of traffic. You are all single-handedly responsible for the growing commute problems in America.
-Will
Bi-browed and Proud
