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What are you waiting for?
Why was it so easy to walk away? Why is it so easy for you to sleep at night? Do you know I still wake up crying? Do you know everyday I think about you and what it would have been like to have a real father? One that would have spent time with me when I was visiting him, one that would have taught me to ride a bike, play catch with, listen to me when I was upset the mean boy at school or the mean boy I loved, DO YOU? One that wouldn't have cut off contact with me when faced with "problems", that would have been there for me when Mom was sick, Grandma, Grandpa, and Mark died, one that would be here for me now that my best friend won't even speak to me, DO YOU?
Do you ever care? Does I ever faze you? Sadly, as much as it hurts me to admit it, I bet you don't care and you never think of me. I'm sure none of your friends know about you first child, first daughter. Just tell me how you live with yourself, how you breathe knowing what you did to us, how you can even look yourself in the mirror.
Happy Father's Day, Daddy...
Why they feel the need to be honest about their feelings now is beyond me. My ex-best friend doesn't speak to me anymore partially due to her never trusting the relationship between myself and one the Honest asses, and her suspicions were right, at least about how he felt about me.
Then the other expects me to go for him after what his mother put me through when I was 17 because of a crush I had on him at 14-15. Yeah right...
I love them so much as friends, they are two of my best friends, but I just can't go there with either of them and take the chance of losing one or both...
"My pale white hands,
Griped the uniform,
Putting it on was like a brand,
All my life I was forced to conform,
In what I thought was freedom land,
My mind, My heart and emotions so torn,
All I wanted was my feet in the sand,
To feel as though I had been reborn,
They look upon me, eyes seeming red,
Expecting me to kneel and mourn,
This man who had created their plan,
I knew I could not be in this anymore,
I walked away, I was banned,
I was proud to be away from this racist whore."
"My body is the queen of deception,
A size 4 is never an exception,
Feeling full would be my digression,
My body aches to end this obsession."
"Look perfect, Be perfect, My body would tell me,
I could never be what I wanted to see,
I understood and accepted, death could be my only key,
With a stained heart and broken body, I fall to my knees."
"Self destruction appeared in many forms,
Losing a pound was like being reborn,
Yet day after day, I wanted to lose more,
Losing a pound, Losing my life, I've become so torn."
"My body was eating itself alive,
My body was vapid, it needed a sign,
My body was stubborn, deeper down it would dive,
My pain was there, visible and live."
It's a cloudy and foggy night tonight, most people would hate it, but I don't. I know it's not picture perfect like Van Gogh's "Starry Night", but it makes me think deeply about human nature. The most believed story about "Starry Night", is that Van Gogh had recently found God, and the painting was a metaphor for a God always watching over us and protecting us. I think on some sub level of human nature, the above metaphor is the main reason people will choose a bright night over clouds, whether they believe in God(s), Goddess(es), or nothing at all. I prefer the cloudy night, because I like to test my faith and see if I'm strong enough to walk a dark path and come out stronger and better.
