subtlemindache's blog: "Shit written by me"

The sun sets different around me. The rain falls on my face and I embrace the way you looked at me. Difference is the way it all should seem, but when I come to face the failures in front of me…I seem to seize the moments when I was on top of it all. The leaves fall around me and I am set to burn. Yearning for the control I never had. God and his plan for me have seized to be. Cant I just wake up and see the air around me? Breathe deep, breathe soft be assured the world is closing to a loss. Greatness has never become of me and I stay asleep for days on end. Good god I need a friend, someone to understand the laughter I've lost deep within. No longer will I stand ashamed of the way you treated me in the end. No longer will I pretend that you are my friend. In the end it all seems to change. In the end I will refrain from the things I need to say. The sun is haunting and I can no longer feel the rain on my face. Goodbye darkness I can finally see the light ahead of me. Goodbye hollow memories I will let you fade away. There is a distance in my words, not for you so just walk away. In the end I'm no longer afraid. In the end I will not be ashamed. Greatness is still yet to become of me and I no longer sleep for days. Whats left to say when you rip away the happiness I once thought I could save? Laughter is still a distance away but I feel I will see it again someday. Be as it may, I dug a shallow grave, but I will save it for another day. Should I have died that day and left my world a perfect place? Either way I choose to live another day and watch it fade into a distant memory. A memory which you cannot take. A memory I will keep for me. A memory that can never fade. The sun sets different around me. The rain falls on my face and I embrace the way you looked at me.

Discontent comes into play. I pray for forgiveness, but this never comes my way. Why the fuck do I pray? Deranged they say I am, I am insane just as they say. I can change, but Ill refrain and stay just as enraged as I am. Distant in memory Created integrity Faults of instability Cremated ashes of insecurity. This is whats made from me; Distant memories of integrated, insecure, instabilities interfering with the creation of creativity. With the thoughts of a blasphemer I stayed away from her No better than them, but I can pretend I am...(cuz I am) An I am deranged as they say I am insane just like they say I am I wont change I will refrain Just to stay as enraged as I am.

Take me home now, Im drunk enough. I begin to fall down, a taste in my mouth. I think Im going to be sick now, need to sit down. Ive drunk enough. I wont remember today tomorrow, Is this okay? And I feel good about it. I think Im sober enough I start to crawl out. This place inside myself I begin to fall down. Im sober enough to feel completely numb now. Ill remember today tomorrow, Is this okay? Then it occurs to me...... Reallity overtaking me. Too young to see a future in front of me. What to be? Yet to be. Dont want to be. Im awake inside this head of dreams. Too far down deep inside to survive. Im awake inside this head of dreams. Im sober enough to drink and cry. Im awake inside this head of dreams. Never made a difference, go ahead and hate me. Precious fatalities of futures in front of me. What to be? Want to be. Im still yet to be. Awake inside this head of dreams and Im sober enough to cry. Copyright ©2007 Jesse Ross Ketcham

She's waiting for me, but I cant fill her in. She's waking up now for the last time. She's calling outward for someone to feel again. The concrete stench finally sets in. Now we're falling down to lay. So lie here with me, and waste away in time. Forget about our ties, and pretend we're okay. Lets watch it fall apart, and tell ourselves we're blind. We stumble in circles and remember the time. Many demons are tattooing my soul. Im wasted and waking in the existence I find. All the drugs have finally taken their toll. Watch me die and struggle in this life. Now Im falling downward to lay. So lie here with me, and we'll think of a time. Slowly drifting apart let us embrace the hurt. No wanting or needing, just remember the times. We stumble in circles falling down to lay. Copyright ©2007 Jesse Ross Ketcham

Im sorry that I cant understand you. Its so hard as I lie down beside you. Now I regret all the shit that Ive done. You gave me light you were my sun. Now you're gone and Im so fucking cold. So long, goodbye, Im off to be alone. I hear you calling me home I wont go, no I wont go. Im so stupid unlike you. I wont go, no I wont go. Im never coming home, Im off to be alone. So leave me alone, Im never going home. Im sorry that I let you into my head. Its so hard when you're naked in my bed. As I forgive, you pass your judment. It hurts me those fucking words you meant. You destroyed all that was a fucking home. So long, goodbye, Im off to be alone. Then you're calling me home. I wont go, no I wont go. Im so stupid unlike you I wont go, no I wont go. Im never going home Im off to be alone So leave me alone, Im never coming home. Copyright ©2007 Jesse Ross Ketcham

suffocating in this mascarading development i become insinuating all the blaming is the memories i hold close situations of affiliations are just as numbing as my whole life interrogating the air suffocating listen to what ive become stripped down born to bear all your tears step down from the years you never hear back down your eyes disguise all the lies fucked now are all the lives i took inside here me saying that im not praying for you anymore watch me dying and your still trying to push me some more hate hate hate inside its hurting me face face face whats haunting me take take take everything from me erase erase erase these fucking memories persuasions all the invasions departing on my own evasions how they disgrace us look what ive become pathetic and sympathetic everytime i look in your eyes regret it the fermented laughter of all the pain inside stripped down step down back down fucked now born to bear your tears slip away stay away back off me fucked away all the years youre never here hear me saying im not praying for you anymore watch me dying youre still trying to push me some more hate the face hate the fate inside its hurting me face the hate face the fate thats haunting me take erase take erase everything from me erase the take erase the fucking memories Copyright ©2007 Jesse Ross Ketcham

so when i crawl you put me into place pathetic i am in my own ways tell me just once for one more day that you feel you need me so take away whats left of me dont you see what is next of me so when i fall you take me out of place sympathetic ill crawl my own way take me once and see my hate so that you can put me into place so take away whats left of me dont you say you never loved me one more time one more night so it doesnt fade one more taste one more memory i cant waste i waste it all away look at me just take a look what it is is what i took take it from what i was what i meant to be take it now show me how i am nothing for no one cant you spell it out for me cant you tell me what i really need cant you tell it to my soul cant you tell me im too cold now cant you sell what i found cant you sell what i gave to you now cant you be something better than i ever was in my ways one more day just one more day let me show you how i was take it from me take it from me just you take it all take it from me take it from me just you take it all Copyright ©2007 Jesse Ross Ketcham

Shadows have begun to fall, distant memories remain. A selfish character in fragmented time suspends disbelief. This rain resembles me, a fashion of those who hate to believe. Every morning just another day to wilt away, falling further from grace. Why cant I replace the pain? Then my heart begins to beat one thousand times per second. I can barely breathe. Face to face with defeat I wont retreat. My heart begins to beat again, one thousand times I wont give in. The sun no longer shines down on me, the rain begins to fall. These distant memories are killing me piece by piece, Im diseased. Like the unclasping love once lost, now Im to blame no longer ashamed. Everyday remains the same. Just wilt away and fall away from grace. I replace the pain with hate. Then my heart begins to beat one thousand times per second. I can barely breathe. Face to face with defeat I wont retreat. My heart begins to beat again, one thousand times I wont give in. Everyday remaining the same, I wilt away never changing anything. My soul dissipating from hating I couldnt change anything. My thoughts retrace, the pain remains, days fade to gray. Refrain, unchanged, I wither away just another day. Ive wilted away, the faces fade to plain as I remain unchanged. I wither away just another day, Ive wilted away. Copyright ©2007 Jesse Ross Ketcham

At Least You Try Is this my time for me to be me? Is this a bad time for me to say, This is the last time that I try. Never wanted you to see me this way Im filled with pain And I hate everyday. A memory that wont go away. Ill never change for you and so you lie to me but at least you tried. Such a sad time for you to see. Me in my time and Im leaving for the last time. I never tried Never wanted you to love me this way you felt my pain and hated everything A memory that wont go away. Ill never change for you and so you lied to me but at least you tried. Copyright ©2007 Jesse Ross Ketcham