I broke up with a great guy.. maybe the greatest guy I had ever been with. The only guy that never beated me nor put me in the hospital. The man that treated me like a Queen, for what? Because I though the relationship was moving to fast and I got scared. I pushed him away and hurt him more then I can imagine. However I remained in his house. I met someone else, and being me with a kind heart fell for the whole "I dont have nowhere to live" line. I talked my ex into letting the new guy move in. Was with the new guy for some time. I ended up having some deep feelings for him. Promised me a ring and all that. then one day.....
BAM! I find out hes sleeping with a neighbor across the street. He was back together with his suppose ex. Not only that, I found out about even more girls. Then the one thing that hurt the most of all. I found out he played me like a piano and never loved me, everything he has ever told me was a lie. I had no choice but to break up with him. However... I was not able to kick him out of the house. Why you ask, Because it was Shawns (my ex from before)house. So for the past couple of weeks here I am not able to get into my own bed when I want to. Not able to take a shower really when I wanted to (the shower is in my bedroom), and why not you ask, because the fucker wouldn't get out of my bed long enough for me to have some freakin privacy to do these things when I need to.
Now, here I am still in the house with Shawn and Jay. I hate Jay with a passion for all the lies and cheating. However, I sit back and Shawn will walk past me and all I can think about is what the hell is wrong with my head why didn't I stay with Shawn when I was with him, and now I dont even have a chance in hell. Shawn met a beautiful girl, and hes happy with her. to be honest, I like Monica shes a great girl and shes moved in also. Above everything I wish him the best with her, because I really do wish him happiness even if it isnt with me. I'm still jealous of her don't get me wrong, because she is with the man I should of stayed with from the start. I was stupid to be foolish and push him away and did him like I did and said the thing I said to make him hate me as much as he does. Shawn has his flaws don't get me wrong and they drive me crazy, good lord they drive Monica crazy also.
Now the one thing I dont understand, why do we do this to ourself. Why do we find love and push them away and why cant we understand that they are the ones we are in love with before we we lose them from our own stupidity. We always make life so difficult for ourself. I mean is it just me or has anyone else noticed they do this same very thing. Are we not capible to sit back and enjoy and understand the love we have with someone when we have them, or is it always going to be like this not knowing what we have til its gone.
I really do believe in that saying now.. because I didnt know what I had til it was gone. the only thing is.. I see him everyday and I see how he loves someone else. Now I see I might of hurt him but I honestly think I ended up hurting myself more then anything because I was the stupid one that didnt understand it to begain with.
