laughterplus's blog: "sharing the laughter...."

COOL Quote: "I may be known as the girl who was sunbathing topless with a Prince but Jordan is known as that thick girl who always falls out of clubs drunk. I know which one I prefer." ~ Jenny Frost Joke of the Week: SUNBATHING ON THE ROOF Joan, a rather well-proportioned woman, planned to spend almost all of her vacation sunbathing. She found the ideal spot on the roof of her hotel. It was deserted and secluded, with a smooth, raised "deck" which received the sun all day long. She wore a bathing suit on the first day, but on the second, she decided that since no one could see her way up there, she would slip out of it and get rid of the tan lines on her back. She'd been lying there on her stomach for a little while when she heard someone running up the stairs toward the roof. Startled, she didn't have time to pull on her suit, and since she was lying on her stomach, she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, Miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind you sunbathing up here, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit, as you did yesterday." "YESTERDAY!" Joan exclaimed, rather irritated. "Have you been following me around? And besides, what difference does it make ANYWAY, since no one except a nosy assistant manager can see me? I'm on the top floor and I'm covered with a towel..." "Well, that would be true," said the little man, embarrassed, "except for the fact that you're lying on the dining room skylight." Bonus Jokes The Beach Surprise Sadie, a recently widowed lady, was reading a book whilst sunbathing on the beach in Tel Aviv. She looked up and noticed an elderly gentleman walking past. He placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began to read a book. Smiling, Sadie attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello," she began. "How are you today?" "Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book. "I love the beach. Do you come here often?" Sadie asked. "First time since my wife passed away last year," he replied. "Do you live around here?" Sadie asked. "Not far," he answered, continuing to read. Sadie persisted. "Do you like pu$$y cats?" With that, he threw down his book, jumped onto her blanket, whipped off both their swimsuits and made the most passionate love to her that she had ever experienced. As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sadie gasped and asked the man, "How on earth did you know that I wanted that to happen?" The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?" Sunbathing On The Beach A man was on the beach, sunbathing in the nude, when he noticed a little girl coming towards him. He quickly took the newspaper he was reading and covered himself with it. "Hey, mister, what do you have under the newspaper?" asked the little girl. "Just a bird," he replied. The little girl walked away and he fell asleep. When he woke up, he found himself lying in a hospital bed in tremendous pain. The police asked him what had happened. "I don't know," he groaned. "The last thing I remember is lying on the beach and a little girl asking me about my privates. Next thing I know, I'm here." The police went to the beach to look for the little girl. When they found her, they asked her what she had done to the naked man. She paused for a moment, then replied, "I didn't do anything to him. I was playing with the bird and it spit at me. So, I broke its neck, cracked its eggs and set its nest on fire." Sunbathing Danger A man with no arms and legs is sunbathing on a beach. He is approached by three beautiful women, who look at him with pitying expressions. The first asks him if he has ever been hugged. He shakes his head and she gives him a big hug. The second asks if he's ever been kissed. He shakes his head and she kisses him. The third asks him if he's ever been fukked. He shakes his head, his eyes lighting up. "Well, you are now," she says. "The tide's coming in."

COOL Quote: "Laissez les bon temps rouler." ("Let the good times roll.") ~ Cajun expression. Joke of the Week: BOUDREAUX' FUNERAL Three friends from Thibodeaux, Louisiana were asked, "When you're in your casket, and your friends and church members are mourning over you, what would you like dem to say?" Trosclair said: "I would like dem to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man." Leblanc commented: "I would like dem to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of da church who made a huge difference in people's lives." Boudreaux said: "I'd like dem to say, 'Look, he's movin!'" Bonus Jokes Boudreaux & the Devil Boudreaux died and was on his way down to Hell. In anticipation, the Devil turned up the thermostat to make it extra warm for Boudreaux. When Boudreaux arrived, the Devil asked, "Hey Boudreaux, how do you like the heat down here?" Boudreaux says, "Mais, it's just fine. It reminds me of Bayou PonPon in July." That made the Devil mad. That night, he turned the thermostat up all the way it could go. Man it was hot! When Boudreaux woke up, the Devil asked him, "NOW how do you like it down here?" Boudreaux says, "Mais, it's fine. It reminds me of August on Bayou Lafourche." As you might expect, that made the Devil all the more mad. Well, that night, he turned the thermostat down all the way it could go! The whole place frosted over. Icicles started forming from the rafters. When Boudreaux woke up, the Devil asked him, "How you like it NOW, Boudreaux?" Boudreaux, shivering, through blue lips, says, "Mais cher, I'm one happy Cajun!" The Devil was infuriated! He yelled, "What do you mean you're one happy Cajun?!!" Boudreaux, still shivering, says, "The Saints done won the Superbowl!" Boudreaux in the Field Pierre looks out the window and sees Boudreaux standing out in his field. Pierre tells his wife Marie, that he is worried about Boudreaux. The next day he looks out his window and he sees Boudreaux still standing out in his field and tells Marie that he's really worried about Boudreaux. The next day, he looks out and Boudreaux is still standing out in his field. He says, "Marie, Boudreaux has lost his mind and I need to go help him!" He walks over to Boudreaux and says, "What the hell are you doing Boudreaux?" Boudreaux says, "I'm trying to win de Nobel Prize." Pierre says, "Mais, how you plan to do dat?" Boudreaux says, "I saw a show on TV and dey said if you want to win de Nobel Prize dat you have to be out standing in your field." Pierre & Boudreaux Go Fishing Pierre and Boudreaux went fishing in Pierre's boat but were not doing very good. They came across Alphonse in a boat loaded with fish. Pierre asked Alphonse what his secret was. Alphonse said, "Jes go out through that pass over dere until the water gets fresh. Stop dere and drop yer line." All excited, Pierre fired up the motor and headed through the pass. When they got a little ways out, he told Boudreaux to fill up a bucket and taste the water. Boudreaux complied and said, "It's still salty, Pierre!" Pierre went further out and told Boudreaux to taste the water again. Boudreaux said the same thing, "It's still salty, Pierre!" This went on for hours and it was starting to get dark, and they were in the middle of nowhere, when Pierre said to taste the water one last time. Boudreaux replied, "But, Pierre, there's no more water in the bucket!"

COOL Quote: "The fight is never about grapes or lettuce. It is always about people." ~ Cesar Chavez Joke of the Week: PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS These individual quotes were reportedly taken from actual employee performance evaluations in a large US Corporation. (1) "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom.....and has started to dig." (2) "His men would follow him anywhere, ....... but only out of morbid curiosity." (3) "I would not allow this employee to breed." (4) "This employee is really not so much of a 'has-been', but more of a definite 'won't be'." (5) "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap." (6) "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet." (7) "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle." (8) "This young lady has delusions of adequacy. (9) "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them." (10) "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot." (11) "This employee should go far, ..... and the sooner he starts, the better." (12) "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together." (13) "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus." (14) "He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless." (15) "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier." (16) "I would like to go hunting with him sometime." (17) "He's been working with glue too much." (18) "He would argue with a signpost." (19) "He has a knack for making strangers immediately." (20) "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room." (21) "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell." (22) "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, ..... he's the other one." (23) "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on." (24) "A prime candidate for natural deselection." (25) "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it." (26) "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming." (27) "Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it." (28) "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week." (29) "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change." (30) "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the oceans." (31) "It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm to the egg." (32) "One neurone short of a synapse." (33) "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge;..... he only gargled." (34) "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes." (35) "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead." Bonus Joke My Personal Work History My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned...couldn't concentrate. Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax. After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it ...mainly because it was a so-so job. Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting. Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme. I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard. My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy. I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience. Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in. I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income. I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining. So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job. After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it. My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

Joke of the Week: CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He says that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?" He answers, "You see, it's like this; yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers, 'cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own ......... so does she. Bonus Jokes The Silent Treatment A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't awakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up." (FYI - Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.) Woman's Revenge "Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally." Wife vs. Husband A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position... As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws." Woman's Perfect Breakfast She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

Joke of the Week: BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN WIDOW A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night. He returned around 2:30 am, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Then she looked at him and said: "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!" Bonus Jokes Top 10 Signs You Are a Gay Cowboy 10. Your saddle is Versace. 9. Instead of Home on the Range, you sing It's Raining Men 8. You enjoy ridin', ropin' and redecoratin'. 7. Sold your livestock to buy tickets to Mamma Mia! 6. After watching reruns of Gunsmoke, you have to take a cold shower. 5. Native Americans refer to you as Dances With Men. 4. You've been lassoed more times than most steers. 3. You're wearing chaps, yet your "ranch" is in Chelsea. 2. Instead of a saloon, you prefer a salon. 1. You love riding, but you don't have a horse. A Real Cowboy An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy." She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women." The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

Joke of the Week: SNORING DOG A marine has a dog that snores. Really snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, his wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells her to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring. "Yeah, right!" she says. A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring! The woman is amazed. Later that night, her Marine husband returns home drunk, having been out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him. So, she goes to the closet again and grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly. In the morning, the marine wakes up from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, "I don't know where we were ... or what we did ... but, by God, we took first and second place!" Bonus Jokes Poetry Contest The National Poetry Contest had come down to two, a Yale graduate and a redneck from Texas. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was "Timbuktu." First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said: Slowly across the desert sand Trekked a lonely caravan; Men on camels, two by two Destination Timbuktu. The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited: Me and Tim a huntin' went. Met three whores in a pop up tent. They was three, and we was two, So I bucked one, and Timbuktu. Drinking Contest A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his throat. He says to the crowd of drinkers, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back to back." The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later, the same gentleman returns and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back to back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?". The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it, first".

Joke of the Week: LESSONS LEARNED BY A PARENT 1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2,000 sq. foot house four inches deep. 2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with rollerblades, they can ignite. 3. A 3-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant. 4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 foot room. 5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way. 6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan. 7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh", it's already too late. 8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it. 9. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock, even though a 36-year-old man says they only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day. 10. Certain Lego's will pass right through the digestive tract of a four-year-old. 11. "Play-Doh" and "microwave" should never be used in the same sentence. 12. Super glue is forever. 13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water. 14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O. 15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do. 16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes. 17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving. 18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is. 19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens. 20. The fire department in [Your Town] has a 5 minute response time. 21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy. It will however make cats dizzy. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy. Bonus Joke - You Want Children? -Mess Test: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flowerbed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer. -Toy Test: Obtain a 55-gallon box of Lego's. (If Lego's are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream. (This could wake a child at night.) -Grocery Store Test: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage. -Dressing Test: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside. -Feeding Test: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor. -Night Test: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 - 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful. -Physical Test (Women): Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans. -Physical Test (Men): Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time. -Final Assignment: Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

COOL Quote: "I've often thought that the process of aging could be slowed down if it had to go through Congress." ~ George Bush ( Man - I can't believe I'm quoting Bush...but, it is funny... ) Bonus Cool Quote: "Anyone who stops learning is old, whether at 20 or 80. Anyone who keeps learning stays young." ~ Henry Ford Joke of the Week: FAMILY Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses, "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door." Bonus Jokes 911 An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car had been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: she cried, "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard," he says. "She got in the back seat by mistake." I Can Hear Just Fine! Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer." Little Old Lady A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say, "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup." Old Friends Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now, don't get mad at me...I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes, she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?" Senior Driving As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his cell phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!" '"Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!" Senior Driving II Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stop light was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red, but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, crap, am I driving?"

COOL Quote: "Three things cannot be long hidden: the sun, the moon, and the truth." ~ Buddha Bonus Cool Quote: "You've got the sun, you've got the moon, and you've got the Rolling Stones." ~ Keith Richards Joke of the Week: E-MOONS We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where: :) means a smile and :( is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by :-) :-( Well, how about some "ASSICONS?" Here goes: (_!_) a regular ass (__!__) a fat ass (!) a tight ass (_*_) a sore ass {_!_} a swishy ass (_o_) an ass that's been around (_x_) kiss my ass (_X_) leave my ass alone (_zzz_) a tired ass (_E=mc2_) a smart ass (_$_) Money coming out of his ass (_?_) Dumb Ass Bonus Jokes Indian Message To The Moon When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, they did some astronaut training on a Navajo Indian reservation. One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question which his son translated. "What are these guys in the big suits doing?" A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional opportunity for the spin-doctors, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message, they asked the son to translate it. He refused. So the NASA reps brought the tape to the reservation where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed but refused to translate the elder's message to the moon. Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. He reported that the moon message said, "Watch out for these guys; they have come to steal your land." Truth Is Stranger Than Fiction! On July 20, 1969, the first man walked on the moon. When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong made those first footprints, he not only gave his famous, "one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind," statement but followed it by several remarks, usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts, and Mission Control. Just before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark, "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky." Many people at NASA thought it was a remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years, many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled. On July 5, 1995 in Tampa, Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time, he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died, and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question. Armstrong explained, "When I was a kid, I was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. My friend hit a fly ball that landed in the front of the neighbors' bedroom windows. My neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As I leaned down to pick up the ball, I heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!" DISCLAIMER: According to snopes, it's an urban legend. I don't care - - it's funny! Short Ones What holds the moon up? Moonbeams. What did the man do after being found guilty of sabotaging the moon mission? He Apollo-gized. How do you know when the moon is going broke? When it's down to its last quarter. What do you get when you take green cheese and divide its circumferenceby its diameter? Moon pi. What do you call a clock on the moon? A lunartick. How does a man on a moon get his haircut? Eclipse it. Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? It has great food, but no atmosphere. After the Americans went to the Moon, Leonid Brezhnev announced that the Soviets would be sending a man to the Sun. The engineers objected. "If you send a man to the Sun, he will burn up!" "What do you think I am, stupid?" he replied. "We'll send him at night!"