‘Twas the night before Christmas - old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list,
Miserable brats, ungrateful jerks,
I’ve a good mind to scrap the whole damn works.
I've busted my ass for damn near a year,
Instead of "Thanks Santa" - what do I hear?
My old lady bitches ‘cos I work late at night,
The elves want more money and the reindeer all fight.
Rudolph got drunk and goosed up the maids,
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things might get better,
Those assholes from ATO sent me a letter.
They say I owe taxes - if that ain't damn funny;
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus money?
And the children these days - they all are the pits
Ask the impossible, the mean little shits.
Spent a whole year makin’ wagons and sleds,
Assembling their dolls - arms, legs and heads.
Made lots of yo yos, but no-one wants them,
Just computers and robots – like I'm IBM?
If you think all that's bad, just picture this:
Try holding those brats, their pants smell of piss
They pull on my nose, they grab at my beard,
And if I don't smile, their mums think I'm weird.
Here I’m flyin’ along, dodging the trees,
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees.
I'm quitting this job, there's just no enjoyment.
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.
So Christmas is OFF - now you know the reason.
Found me a blonde; I'm going SOUTH for the season!
I'll laze in the sun, then into bed I’ll be tucked
And those snotty-nosed brats … can go and get f…ed.
