Maiden's blog: "Rip my clothes to rags"

HA I say, I laugh in your faces! Now you’re going to want to ask me, what’s with the hostility towards children? Well, I’ll gladly answer that right after these messages……. Do you enjoy having a life? Do you enjoy your sanity? Do you at least like French toast? Use condoms damn it and stop overpopulating this damned world! That goes for you too, China! This commercial break was brought to you by the Bastard’s Church of Latter Day Saints. …..and now back to the show! My answer: I truly think they’re evil. In fact I’ve come to despise and also fear the monsters. I don’t have any of my own. I was told many times that I seem good with them. I’ll clue you in why, I try to keep them distracted with sugar and other bribes as I reach for the holy water, hammer and stake. I was inspired to write this rant because within the last 2 weeks I saw some real atrocities where I was so compelled by fear and anger to watch these demons at work. Also after reading an article from a genius named Maddox a few years ago. I was at Pathmark shopping for what deadites like me usually buy: hot sauce, beer, cigarettes, donuts and bacon. Nutritious and proven to add 10 more miserable years to your life…….or was it take away? Oh well! So the point again that I was trying to make that I saw this kid throw himself on the floor screaming and kicking because his mom didn’t want to buy him the Fruity Pebbles. Fruity Pebbles huh? Well, we see what team that little boy is gonna play for in the future. Anyhow this child just screamed and cussed his mom out, while this poor, embarrassed woman just stood there taking this punishment. I know had that been me my mother would have calmly stretched me out on the floor and stomped the back of my neck, ending that scene right away AND THAT’S PARENTING! This brat even slapped his mom when she tried picking him off the floor. I seriously wanted to offer my services to put this evil seed to sleep via head lock/choke hold. Another time I saw this pack of wild bastards running around, screaming and running across the street disregarding the fact cars drive recklessly through this particular area. That poor, bewildered woman looked like she did a 10 year bid at some prison because you can see that she lost all hope in ever being free of her demonic ovarian creations. So how do we stop these demons from taking over our lives people? Anyone…huh…you there! Got any answers….No you don’t cause I’m still typing here! BEAT YOUR KIDS! That’s the answer….and for some parents beat them with their own unplanned spawns. And here’s a few pointers on how to beat those adorable abominations. 1. Instill fear into the little runts which will demand respect and control. Hey it worked for Hitler and George “Dubya” Bush. Try using an orc: Scare the brats Or….tell them that you killed Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny was last week’s leftovers. Santa's real.....REAL DEAD 2. Okay you have the fear tactics down but what happens when they decide to act up again? I like to use the classic “elbow smash to the face”. Works great at social gatherings, church and stores. Now remember, you want to use the point of your elbow to get the full effect.Elbow smash that sucka 3. Driving the kid(s) around and all of a sudden you’re hit with a barrage of bullshit like, ‘Are we there yet?’, or ‘I’m hungry’ and ‘I need to pee’. You reach right over the seat and give them the ol’ fashion “5 across the eyes”. Over the years it has been known as the classic “pimp/bitch slap” or the “give me another reason” backhand. Make sure to wave the hand around in case their friends try to give you any lip. gimme a reason, punk 4. Having problems getting your kid to clean their room or go back to your sweatshop to pump out all those Nikes? Seems like this kid wanna stand up to you even. This technique is especially effective on teenagers who tend to get a little brave. Use the “1,2 shut the fuck up”. Incase you suck at “throwing hands” and think your child will dodge your sad attempt of hitting them in the bread basket, easily distract them by saying, “Hey look , a child molesting Catholic priest!”. Their attention will be averted and that’s when you jab ‘em in the mush, hit ‘em low in the gut and then finish them the Hell off into next week by upper cutting them in the jaw. Effective as all Hell! booyah bitch! mama said knock you out 5. Now the next technique is to be used if even Ritalin or any type of “dope the hyper bastards up” drug doesn’t work. I call this move the “Dope fiend”. Can’t get them to calm the Hell down? Simply get behind them and choke them out until they fall asleep limp like a “dope fiend”. You can also just pounce on them and just choke ‘em out until it’s nighty, night birdy! DOPE FIEND! Nighty night 6. This last and final move is to be only used if you ran out of options and this kid is pissing you off! First you need to summon all the Jackie Chan, Bruce Lee, and Chuck Norris flicks you’ve seen in your lifetime. Once you’ve reached that ultimate chi, take a running start at that brat and “Dragon kick” the ‘Sheeyit’ out of ‘em! Chuck Norris made me do it If you don’t have your kid(s) looking like this the moment they see you, then you’ve failed at being a true parent. A terrified child mean good parenting Awesomeness parenting skills I’m being sincere here beat these demonic mistakes or they’ll do THIS to YOU! Didn't I tell ya kids are evil? Who needs overpriced family counseling when you have “auntie Amazon” here to teach ya! BTW....ignore these fucking lines that seem to pop out under some of these sentences....no clue why they're there...personally...I don't care, PLUS I'm too lazy to fix it! FUCK BOOHOO and.....Ciao for now! Ciao for now! . .

I'm a cancer woman! AQUARIUS WOMEN: A slow starter, you idealize love and encompass it with tenderness. Once aroused though, anything goes! Extremely imaginative and like trying new things. There is nothing in any sex manual that you won't try. Belief that anything that increases the pleasure for your partner is worthwhile. Best sex mates: Aries, Gemini, Libra, Sagittarius and Aquarius. Favorite sex position: standing up, and in water. AQUARIUS MEN: Never treats a woman like a sex object and prefers a variety of foreplay before getting down to it. May have be to revved up, but once his engine is started, he is free and inventive with amazing persistence. He will always see you through to climax. A woman who knows what she wants will be very happy. He usually ensures an orgasm twice - once orally and once genitally. Erogenous zones: gently touching the calves and ankles will get him going. Be careful though - a kinky Aquarian can be a sadist who doesn't like to be denied! ARIES WOMEN: Wildly sensual, passionate and adventurous. You'll have sex anywhere, you know what you want - intense and frequent sex, you have a need for complete control, but you also fall in love with love. As a mate, you are ardent, loyal, sentimental, and earthly. Biggest thrill -the tickle of a man's facial fuzz. ARIES MEN: Sleeping with him is like playing croquet with live bombs-you never know what is going to happen! Never expect him to wait for you to be ready - he will rip your clothes off if he is ready to go. Don't tease him or you better be ready to deliver. Fond of slave master games and he likes it rough. Aries men are also explorers, so be ready to go where no woman has gone before. His favorite position: a woman on her knees leaning forward. CANCER WOMEN: Will never make the first move, but you can be a marvelous lover for you are capable of intense sensuality. You will reciprocate passion with a fervor that will stir his heart and stimulate him to his best performance. On your own time, you have a fondness for masturbation. Your favorite position: lying prone while your man enters you from behind. Best sex mates: Taurus, Leo, Virgo, Scorpio, and Pisces. You may become a slave to sexual pleasure! CANCER MEN: His most surprising technique: intercourse with no hands. He has a need for constant encouragement and if gotten, he will be a delightful swain. Both patient and aggressive, he will often begin somewhere other than the bed, likes being in command, and is a master at manual clitoral manipulation! You'll like the trip, as it is as much traveling to a place as it is arriving. :) CAPRICORN WOMEN: Don't need much foreplay - you go from zero to WOW in nothing flat! Not interested in exotic variation, only in staying power. Since you like to dominate, you like to be astride your man, set a rhythm and please yourself. Once into the rhythm, lovemaking becomes a wild contest with orgasm as the prize and you can depend on getting there more than once. A scratcher and a screamer. Best sex mates: Taurus, Scorpio and Pisces. CAPRICORN MEN: Sex evokes the best he can offer. He is a planner and a schemer. Prefers a woman who knows what he enjoys and he expects her to be willing and ready whenever he wants her. Has the stamina of a marathon runner. Here is the man who will hold off until you are ready to scream! Erogenous zone: a massage that starts at the lower back and gently strokes upward along the sides of his spine. GEMINI WOMEN: Often the aggressor, you are never embarrassed by your behavior because you never adhere to any standards except your own main requirement: a lover who knows how to take his time. You are a one woman harem, but a partner should be aware that in a relationship, the Gemini woman is looking for a combination of the spiritual and the physical, the romantic and the practical. You want to talk to the guy after you tumble with him! Best sex mates are Leo, Scorpio, Aquarians, Libra, and Aries. Favorite gadget: the vibrator. GEMINI MEN: He likes it with the lights on in front of the mirror. He can work any partner into the mood because he knows exactly how to evoke the right responses. Oral sex isn't his favorite pastime, but he will take his time with other preliminaries. Tends to be fast and furious, more concerned with satisfying himself than his partner, but he is more adequate in areas of lovemaking that are often neglected by other men. He can tell a woman exactly what she wants to hear. His erogenous zone: move your lips and tongue lightly up his arm. LEO WOMEN: Sleek, lascivious, enticing and lazy! Whatever Leo wants, Leo gets! Intensely responsive and there are bed partners who have scars to prove it. Your need to show off leads you to prefer the top where he can look up and admire the beauty of your body. Best sex mates: Libra, Scorpio, Sagittarius, and Aries. Your sexual wardrobe: full of wispy cutout bras and panties! LEO MEN: Simply brushes aside rules and conventions. One important rule to remember about him: NEVER tease. His endurance is remarkable & he has a great appetite for making love. He likes women in the submissive position & oral sex is okay only when he is on the receiving end. He likes a woman to show how much she is enjoying it. His erogenous zone: his back is particularly vulnerable. LIBRA WOMEN: Drama is the key word - you set the stage for sex. Intensely feminine and an instinctive exhibitionist. You feel your body was made to be seen and admired. Feel that seduction is an art, not an assault. When approached the right way, you find it easy to say yes to almost anything. Unusual control of vaginal muscles. Best sex mates: Aries, Gemini, Leo, Scorpio, Sagittarius, and Aquarius. Like any position where your buttocks are exposed. LIBRA MEN: Looks for the whole experience, not just a tumble between the sheets. Has a definite kinky side, a voyeur and fond of the menage a trois. He has the patience needed to satisfy. He likes women who dress well and have long hair. If a woman's clothes look as though they are easily removed, he finds her hard to ignore. Erogenous zone: back and buttocks, especially the feel of erect nipples against either of them! PISCES WOMEN: Always make the right moves, say the right things and create the right ambiance. You are sexually liberated and enjoy a wide range of eroticism. If his fantasies coincide with yours, the action can really get torrid! You seldom say no to anything your lover suggests! Favorite place: in a waterbed or hot tub. Best sex mates: Cancer, Scorpio, Capricorn, and Pisces. PISCES MEN: Takes the lead in lovemaking and impatient if he doesn't get a swift response. Indifferent to sexual restrictions, both moral and legal, prefers a partner with a tremendous sexual craving. Likes sex in a chair. He likes to be submissive. Becomes an addict to anything that will give pleasure and release. Erogenous zone: massaging and caressing his feet. SAGITTARIUS WOMEN: You like the outdoors - freaking out if you are in a tent, camper or on the beach. You enjoy sex, but you don't like to prolong the preliminaries and want to start the main show as soon possible. Like to tease your partner to the point of losing control. You don't mind if your man comes too quickly - you are a generous and accepting lover. Best sex mates: Leo, Libra and Aquarius. Your sexual wardrobe will consist of accessories - gloves and shoes! SAGITTARIUS MEN: Sex is rarely an intense experience with him - he often comes too quickly, but he'll be the first to try a new position. He is the master of erotic massage - both oral and manual. His tongue can be wicked instrument and when combined with his lips, creates an explosive affect! Erogenous zones: hips and thighs. And he likes to look at a woman' calves and thighs and likes to have sex with a woman in stockings. SCORPIO WOMEN: Inquisitive, searching and experimental. Knows that eroticism consists of more than the physical act of lovemaking. While looking like a perfectly lady in public, you dress and behave like a whore in the bedroom. Control of the orgasm is very important and will try anything to help your man maintain his potency. You never take no for an answer and when interested in someone, you will pursue him with determination and guile. Best sex mates: Gemini, Cancer, Scorpio, and Pisces. Props you love: scented body oils, flavored lubricating gels and vibrators. SCORPIO MEN: A lustful, sexy animal. Enjoys biting and sucking and is a master of oral sex. Inflicting pain turns him on so he may pinch at nipples or the insides of thighs. Likes it in the water, but his kink is that he prefers wood tables and hard floors to satin and silk. His erogenous zone is his genitalia. TAURUS WOMEN: You expect your man to be kind and patient and make love to you by the book. Like to be pleased by sex, but don't look for unusual approaches. But you are a demanding lover and you leave your partner breathless. You have a need for oral gratification, both giving and receiving. Best sex mates: Cancer, Sagittarius, Scorpio, and Leo. Most likely kink: sucking on your toes, one by one. You also like biting. TAURUS MEN: He is the ideal lover - sensitive and understanding of his partner's feelings. He prefers it slow and easy, he won't be your guide to the exotic unknown, but what he does, he does beautifully. This is the guy to go to for long and luxurious oral sex. Stamina? This man could wear down a glacier! His erogenous zone: gently and slowly kiss and bite the back of his neck. VIRGO WOMEN: You have no illusions about sex and wish everyone would stop magnifying its importance. Prefer men who will wait for the relationship to develop to the point where sex is inevitable. You love mutual masturbation and enjoy a little punishment and your grace and modesty is a great turn on. You become an artist at pleasing your lover. Favorite kink: can't truly enjoy it unless a third party is present. Best sex mates: Gemini, Cancer and Aquarians. VIRGO MEN: Too shy to make an overture, you had better be prepared for him to bring his pajamas, having equipment and toothbrush. He likes to talk about how you like it & having talked about it, he will key in on the right erotic response. Don't expect imagination, but he is a hard worker and is open to suggestion. His secret life: can be obsessed with pornography. Erogenous zone: his buttocks.

This is absolutely hilarious!!!!!!! 9 Things I Hate About Everyone 1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is? 2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually. 3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it? 4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their arses! 5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $15 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor. 6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine? 7. When something is 'new and improved!' Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new. 8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer? 9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbarse? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------------------------------------------------