HA I say, I laugh in your faces! Now you’re going to want to ask me, what’s with the hostility towards children? Well, I’ll gladly answer that right after these messages…….
Do you enjoy having a life? Do you enjoy your sanity?
Do you at least like French toast? Use condoms damn it and stop overpopulating this damned world! That goes for you too, China! This commercial break was brought to you by the Bastard’s Church of Latter Day Saints.
…..and now back to the show!
My answer: I truly think they’re evil. In fact I’ve come to despise and also fear the monsters. I don’t have any of my own. I was told many times that I seem good with them. I’ll clue you in why, I try to keep them distracted with sugar and other bribes as I reach for the holy water, hammer and stake. I was inspired to write this rant because within the last 2 weeks I saw some real atrocities where I was so compelled by fear and anger to watch these demons at work. Also after reading an article from a genius named Maddox a few years ago.
I was at Pathmark shopping for what deadites like me usually buy: hot sauce, beer, cigarettes, donuts and bacon. Nutritious and proven to add 10 more miserable years to your life…….or was it take away? Oh well! So the point again that I was trying to make that I saw this kid throw himself on the floor screaming and kicking because his mom didn’t want to buy him the Fruity Pebbles. Fruity Pebbles huh? Well, we see what team that little boy is gonna play for in the future. Anyhow this child just screamed and cussed his mom out, while this poor, embarrassed woman just stood there taking this punishment. I know had that been me my mother would have calmly stretched me out on the floor and stomped the back of my neck, ending that scene right away AND THAT’S PARENTING! This brat even slapped his mom when she tried picking him off the floor. I seriously wanted to offer my services to put this evil seed to sleep via head lock/choke hold.
Another time I saw this pack of wild bastards running around, screaming and running across the street disregarding the fact cars drive recklessly through this particular area. That poor, bewildered woman looked like she did a 10 year bid at some prison because you can see that she lost all hope in ever being free of her demonic ovarian creations.
So how do we stop these demons from taking over our lives people? Anyone…huh…you there! Got any answers….No you don’t cause I’m still typing here!
BEAT YOUR KIDS! That’s the answer….and for some parents beat them with their own unplanned spawns.
And here’s a few pointers on how to beat those adorable abominations.
1. Instill fear into the little runts which will demand respect and control. Hey it worked for Hitler and George “Dubya” Bush. Try using an orc:
Scare the brats
Or….tell them that you killed Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny was last week’s leftovers.
Santa's real.....REAL DEAD
2. Okay you have the fear tactics down but what happens when they decide to act up again? I like to use the classic “elbow smash to the face”. Works great at social gatherings, church and stores. Now remember, you want to use the point of your elbow to get the full effect.Elbow smash that sucka
3. Driving the kid(s) around and all of a sudden you’re hit with a barrage of bullshit like, ‘Are we there yet?’, or ‘I’m hungry’ and ‘I need to pee’. You reach right over the seat and give them the ol’ fashion “5 across the eyes”. Over the years it has been known as the classic “pimp/bitch slap” or the “give me another reason” backhand. Make sure to wave the hand around in case their friends try to give you any lip.
gimme a reason, punk
4. Having problems getting your kid to clean their room or go back to your sweatshop to pump out all those Nikes? Seems like this kid wanna stand up to you even. This technique is especially effective on teenagers who tend to get a little brave. Use the “1,2 shut the fuck up”. Incase you suck at “throwing hands” and think your child will dodge your sad attempt of hitting them in the bread basket, easily distract them by saying, “Hey look , a child molesting Catholic priest!”. Their attention will be averted and that’s when you jab ‘em in the mush, hit ‘em low in the gut and then finish them the Hell off into next week by upper cutting them in the jaw. Effective as all Hell!
booyah bitch! mama said knock you out
5. Now the next technique is to be used if even Ritalin or any type of “dope the hyper bastards up” drug doesn’t work. I call this move the “Dope fiend”. Can’t get them to calm the Hell down? Simply get behind them and choke them out until they fall asleep limp like a “dope fiend”. You can also just pounce on them and just choke ‘em out until it’s nighty, night birdy!
DOPE FIEND! Nighty night
6. This last and final move is to be only used if you ran out of options and this kid is pissing you off! First you need to summon all the Jackie Chan, Bruce Lee, and Chuck Norris flicks you’ve seen in your lifetime. Once you’ve reached that ultimate chi, take a running start at that brat and “Dragon kick” the ‘Sheeyit’ out of ‘em!
Chuck Norris made me do it
If you don’t have your kid(s) looking like this the moment they see you, then you’ve failed at being a true parent.
A terrified child mean good parenting Awesomeness parenting skills
I’m being sincere here beat these demonic mistakes or they’ll do THIS to YOU! Didn't I tell ya kids are evil?
Who needs overpriced family counseling when you have “auntie Amazon” here to teach ya! BTW....ignore these fucking lines that seem to pop out under some of these sentences....no clue why they're there...personally...I don't care, PLUS I'm too lazy to fix it!
FUCK BOOHOO and.....Ciao for now!
Ciao for now!
.
.
