Turtled Nuts's blog: "right now"

You may see me smile, you may see me laugh, these are just masks for the public too hide the pain and hurt inside..

So much of it is my own doin and i feel broken more than i can show, am thankful for the people around me that try and help as i go,

this isnt a plea or a sympathy request, just the feelin deep in my chest, the numb, the cold, the heartbreak, but cant show that weakness too many as its just another thing that can used against me down the line, or even worse be used against me by own mind.

I am my own worst enemy, a fight i try and deal with everyday, i lose so many times, instead of helpin i break into more pieces, not want too be fixed by anyone, maybe just ear along the way, but dont want too bring people too my level of loneliness, instead i try make others happy first.

This may make no sense too some and other may realise their not the only ones who go through the torture of this alone, i'll do my best too help and guide so others dont have too go through what i am right now

if you get to know me, i wear my heart on my sleeve..am soft as a brush and worry for others, rather than worring for my self and would do anythin for people if i can..i try make people smile (sometimes at the wrong time) but its who i am..sometimes it works and others i just wait a bit longer then try again....

yeah like many i suffer with depression, been too people for it and the usual crap classes but once you have it you never lose it, its either a good day or a bad one, simple as that for me.

am good at being the creator of my own dimise in which i mean i see problems where there isnt any and feel like ive done somethin even tho i havent, just how my mind works

yeah i can play the dork, the joker and the lustful one but do miss the actual feeling of love, one on one love not friendship love as i have that in abundance and i tottaly am amazed and thankful that i have

just a quickie into me as i am

Depression doesnt leave you it waits till your feelin vunerble and when you seem to lose your smile even if its for a second....then just like a knife it cuts deep and the old wounds you thought that where healed come open and start to pour out...making you sink into a lul feeling without a light to show the way......

Dont get me wrong i'm happy on the outside but when you really know the real me it shows like the brightest star in the night sky....

I've got so many reasons too be happy but its the reasons that bring me down are the hardest to keep hidden in the dark where they belong....

There's people that can lift you above the clouds with a smile or just a look..when you find these people in your life dont let the go as life without these people is like poet without the pain and the day without the night