Relationships
Current mood: worried
The title says it all.
Relationships mean a mass of things. Drama, Tears, Self Doubt, Anger, Sadness, Suspense, Etc. It has everything all contained in one word.
So I am lost. I moved to Wyoming to better my life and I feel as though I am only making it ten times worse. I want to go home. back to California. I understand my place there. Here, I'm one face and there are two sides of a coin. Half the people here call me a fat ugly bitch. Those are the people who have never met me, seen me in real life, or even talked to me on the phone. The other half say I'm the hottest girl out here. Those people are the ones who know me or have taken the time out to take a new Cali girl under their wings. Honestly, I dealt with that in Cali but I am so far away from anyone who knows me that it hard to take it. I want friends.
I'm dating this guy who is pretty chill but I find I am better with him when we hang out as friends. He doesn't make me feel attractive, he doesn't always make me feel special, and sometimes I wonder if he really listens to me. Then I'm seeng another guy. He's amazing but he's older. He has a kid whom I adore. Our situation was that I knew his kid before meeting him. We clicked automatically. I feel good when I am with him but because of guy number one, we have had to keep feelings for each other discreet. I'm at a loss. I don't know which one is better for me but I do know who has my emotions.
Guy two told me tonight after he had some drinks that he has been attached to me. He told me his job didn't mean shit to him if it meant defending me. Because of the alcohol however, words got confused on his parts and meanings on mine. He said I could move in with him, that since he loves how I am with his son, that he trusts me more than most of his family and friends, that since I adore his kid, I could be there and nothing could go wrong. I was so exstatic that through my tears of all the things that have happened today, I made the mistake of telling him I wasn't going to leave my kitten behind. He told me that he was done. Done with females. I'm crushed. His son loves me. He told me he wished I was his stepmom today. This guy told me he gets defensive when he starts feeling these emotions especially because he got attached so fast and didn't tell me like we agreed on.
I understand that he didn't say anything and that he wanted to wait to see if it wasn't a momentary thing. I fully support his decision to put his kid first. I put his kid first. I just hope that tomorrow, things work out in such a way that his kid wont be crushed. However right now I feel like this whole thing is my fault. I keep letting great guys slip through my fingers. I can't be in a decent relationship.
Guy number one has helped me when I needed to start anew. Sadly one month into this life change, I have seen how my life seems to want to pan out. The drama seems to follow me. Everywhere I go. It's always a different yet similar situation too. There's always a new twist that prevents me from getting it right. I like guy number one but I feel neglected and I think we would be better of friends. He tells me he misses me and he cant sleep without me. He got me a kitten, but he's never there. So what should I do?
So now I sit here blogging and talking to Kevin. I think maybe it was a bad idea to call him. I knew I wasn't over him and I knew that after falling in love with him I wasn't going to stop. I still love him. He is telling me to do what is going to make me happy. I can't even bring myself to tell him that he will always be that solution.
Relationships
Current mood: worried
The title says it all.
Relationships mean a mass of things. Drama, Tears, Self Doubt, Anger, Sadness, Suspense, Etc. It has everything all contained in one word.
So I am lost. I moved to Wyoming to better my life and I feel as though I am only making it ten times worse. I want to go home. back to California. I understand my place there. Here, I'm one face and there are two sides of a coin. Half the people here call me a fat ugly bitch. Those are the people who have never met me, seen me in real life, or even talked to me on the phone. The other half say I'm the hottest girl out here. Those people are the ones who know me or have taken the time out to take a new Cali girl under their wings. Honestly, I dealt with that in Cali but I am so far away from anyone who knows me that it hard to take it. I want friends.
I'm dating this guy who is pretty chill but I find I am better with him when we hang out as friends. He doesn't make me feel attractive, he doesn't always make me feel special, and sometimes I wonder if he really listens to me. Then I'm seeng another guy. He's amazing but he's older. He has a kid whom I adore. Our situation was that I knew his kid before meeting him. We clicked automatically. I feel good when I am with him but because of guy number one, we have had to keep feelings for each other discreet. I'm at a loss. I don't know which one is better for me but I do know who has my emotions.
Guy two told me tonight after he had some drinks that he has been attached to me. He told me his job didn't mean shit to him if it meant defending me. Because of the alcohol however, words got confused on his parts and meanings on mine. He said I could move in with him, that since he loves how I am with his son, that he trusts me more than most of his family and friends, that since I adore his kid, I could be there and nothing could go wrong. I was so exstatic that through my tears of all the things that have happened today, I made the mistake of telling him I wasn't going to leave my kitten behind. He told me that he was done. Done with females. I'm crushed. His son loves me. He told me he wished I was his stepmom today. This guy told me he gets defensive when he starts feeling these emotions especially because he got attached so fast and didn't tell me like we agreed on.
I understand that he didn't say anything and that he wanted to wait to see if it wasn't a momentary thing. I fully support his decision to put his kid first. I put his kid first. I just hope that tomorrow, things work out in such a way that his kid wont be crushed. However right now I feel like this whole thing is my fault. I keep letting great guys slip through my fingers. I can't be in a decent relationship.
Guy number one has helped me when I needed to start anew. Sadly one month into this life change, I have seen how my life seems to want to pan out. The drama seems to follow me. Everywhere I go. It's always a different yet similar situation too. There's always a new twist that prevents me from getting it right. I like guy number one but I feel neglected and I think we would be better of friends. He tells me he misses me and he cant sleep without me. He got me a kitten, but he's never there. So what should I do?
So now I sit here blogging and talking to Kevin. I think maybe it was a bad idea to call him. I knew I wasn't over him and I knew that after falling in love with him I wasn't going to stop. I still love him. He is telling me to do what is going to make me happy. I can't even bring myself to tell him that he will always be that solution.
I miss my friends, I miss my family, I miss the hookah bar, I miss normality. I miss never being bored, I miss driving by my old high school, I miss knowing everyone, I miss my music, I miss my right to think. I miss having coversations with friends who aren't racist. I miss seeing ethnicity everywhere, I miss living life in a place people envy.
I'm going to talk to guy number two tomorrow. Kevin told me I need to. He told me to see if he still feels the same way sober. He told me I was going to be scared, worried, afraid, and all that jazz and that it was ok. He told me it was going to be really really hard but that he had faith that I could do this. And you know what? After everything we have gone through and all the miles we are apart, he is still my biggest support. I think most of all I miss him.
You know maybe I'm just this emotional and lost because I'm 20 and it's normal. Maybe I feel this way because I have finally accepted the fact that he has moved on from me and that now is my opportunity to do the same. Guy number one told me I talked about him alot and that he didn't think I was ready for a relationship and you know what? I told him the same thing when he begged me not to leave the first time. Then was so different from now. But I know Kevin will be there to listen to my tears, maybe cause a few with hard truths, yet he will always support me and cheer me on. I don't know how hard it was for him to have this conversation. I know it was hard on me. His faith in me makes me want to push to make the right decision. I just wish I knew what that was.
I guess I'll find out tomorrow right? One way or the other, I know I'm going to be in tears. Someone is going to get hurt. That someone is me. I caused this pain and I have to deal with it. I just don't know how. What if I choose the wrong one? What if I allow the right decision to walk away again leaving me with my heart handed out to my downfall? What if it's guy number two that I'm meant to be with? Is the age gap going to be a problem and can he possibly be the opening I have been talking about?
And now ladies and gentlemen, since crying sucks, I am going to give myself a piece of advice and be done wth this. I'm still young, just 20, I'm still kinda resilient.
