Busty Rocker's blog: "My Musings"

I often get asked about my relationship status. For some reason, people seem to have a hard time accepting that I'm single. Generally, it doesn't bother me. After I say "yes, I really am single," I answer their next question: no, it's not by choice. I just don't get many options to date. Until recently, I was working three jobs so my social life was definitely put on the back burner. I also don't have a large circle of friends here in Montana, so I feel that makes it harder to meet guys especially when my two closest friends happen to be a couple. I've just accepted that.

Lately, though, this whole single business has been nagging at the corner of my mind. Sometimes, I don't choose to be single and others I very much make that choice whether I like to admit it or not.

I've been single a long, long time. My last serious relationship ended when I was 18. I dated around a a small bit after that, but I've pretty much been on my own for a solid 5 years. As that number gets bigger, it does start to weight on my mind more. I've been in two of my friend's weddings already and I'll have at least one more in the next year, with another probably following closely after that. As I watch many of my friends start building families, it doest make me a little sad. I am no where near that and won't be for a long time. I live alone and some nights it's tough. I don't have anyone to depend on. If my car breaks down, I call a tow truck, a mechanic and probably a cab to get me home. If something in my apartment breaks, I fix it or I call a maintenance guy to fix it. When I come home from work, I make dinner for myself, sit on the couch by myself and go to bed by myself. Doing that day after day can really wear on a person. Sometimes, I just crave the touch of another person so badly it hurts.

However, on the other days I am extremely proud of all I've accomplished by myself. I've moved away from everyone I'd ever known, I've received two degrees and I've taught college writing for 2 and 1/2 years. I do everything on my own, I tell it like it is, and I could never be described as "dependent." Sometimes, the sense of pride I get from all of that though, becomes a downfall. I'm a little concerned I've gotten too used to being on my own, to the point that when anyone shows interest in me I almost immediately try to push them away. First, I do it with sarcasm. Then, I'll bring up my weight or the fact that I've been pretty badly cheated on. If that doesn't work, I'll just slowly remove myself from conversation until they become uninterested. I just, can't let anyone in. And, I don't know how to stop doing that.

So, I don't really know. I don't know why I wrote this out for the fu-world to see. Maybe it's to help others understand my relationship status a little better. It's never cut and dry for anyone though, is it? I do think I'll be alone for a very long time and I do think I'm losing faith in the concept of loving someone else, but who knows.

Anyway, I feel better after writing this all out. And I'm not really looking for comments so if you can restrain yourself from leaving them (or if you've at least read this far), you don't have to say anything about what I've written. I'd prefer that you didn't. Just appreciate me using the writing process to purge negativity. Now, it's time for apple cider:)