Signs to look for in a
battering personality
Red Flags
Many women, young girls and the parents of them are interested in ways that they can predict whether they are about to become involved with someone who will be physically abusive. Usually battering occurs between a man and a woman, but lesbians can be battered too. Below is a list of behaviors that are seen in people who beat their girlfriends or wives; the last four signs listed are battering, but many women don't realize this is the beginning of physical abuse. If the person has several of the other behaviors (Three or more) there is a strong potential for physical violence. The more signs a person has, the more likely the person is a batterer. In some cases, a batterer may have only a couple of behaviors that the women can recognize, but they are very exaggerated, e.g., will try to explain their behavior as signs of their love and concern, and a woman may be flattered at first; as time goes on, the behaviors become more and more severe and serve to dominate and control the woman.
Jealousy
Controlling behavior
Quick involvement
Unrealistic expectations
Isolation
Blames others for problems
Blames others for feelings
Hypersensitivity
Cruelty to animals or children
"Playful" use of force in sex
Verbal Abuse
Rigid sex roles
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde
* Past battering
* Threats of violence
* Breaking or striking objects
* Any force during an argument
1. JEALOUSY
At the beginning of a relationship, an abuser will always say that jealousy is a sign of love. Jealousy has nothing to do with love. It's a sign of possessiveness and lack of trust. He will question the woman about who she talks to, accuse her of flirting, or be jealous of time she spends with family, friends, or children. As the jealousy progresses, he may call her frequently during the day or drop by unexpectedly. He may refuse to let her work for fear she will meet someone else, or even do strange behaviors such as checking her mileage or asking friends to watch her.
2. CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR
At first, the batterer will say this behavior is because he's concerned for the woman's safety, her need to use her time well, or her need to make good decisions. He will be angry if the woman is "late" coming back from the store or an appointment, he will question her closely about where she went, and who she talked to. As this behavior gets worse, he may not let the woman make personal decisions about the house, her clothing, or going to church. He may keep all the money or even make her ask permission to leave the house or room.
3. QUICK INVOLVEMENT
Many battered women dated or knew their abuser for less than six (6) months before they were married, engaged, or living together. He comes on like a whirlwind, claiming "You're the only person I could ever talk to," "I've never felt loved like this by anyone." He will pressure the woman to commit to the relationship in such a way that later a woman may feel guilty or that she's "letting him down" if she wants to slow down involvement or break-off.
4. UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS
Abusive people will expect their partner to meet all their needs. He expects the woman to be the perfect wife, mother, lover, or friend. He will say things like "If you love me, I'm all you need - you're all I need." She is supposed to take care of everything for him emotionally and in the home.
5. ISOLATION
The abusive person tries to cut the person off from all resources. If she has men friends, she's a whore. If she has women friends, she's a lesbian. If she's close to family, she's "tied to the apron strings." He accuses people who are the woman's supports of "causing trouble." He may want to live in the country without a phone. He may not let her use a car (or have one that is reliable), or he may try to keep the woman from working or going to school.
6. BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS
If he is chronically unemployed, someone is always doing him wrong, or out to get him. He may make mistakes and then blame the woman for upsetting him and keeping him from concentrating on the work. He will tell the woman she is at fault for almost anything that goes wrong.
7. BLAMES OTHERS FOR FEELINGS
He will tell the woman, "You make me mad." "You are hurting me by not doing what I want you to do." "I can't help being angry." He really makes the decision about what he thinks or feels, but will use feeling to manipulate the woman. Harder to catch are claims that, "You make me happy," "You control how I feel."
8. HYPERSENSITIVITY
An abuser is easily insulted. He claims his feelings are "hurt" when really he's very mad or he takes the slightest setbacks as personal attacks. He will "rant and rave" about the injustice of things that have happened - things that are really just part of living, like being asked to work overtime, getting a traffic ticket, being told some behavior is annoying or being asked to help with the chores.
9. CRUELTY TO ANIMALS OR CHILDREN
This is a person who punishes animals brutally or is insensitive to their pain or suffering. He may expect children to be capable of doing things beyond their ability (whips a two year old for wetting a diaper). He may tease children or younger brothers and sisters until they cry (60% of men who beat the women they are with, also beat their children). He may not want children to eat at the table or expects to keep them in their room all evening while he is home.
10."PLAYFUL" USE OF FORCE IN SEX
This kind of person may like to throw the woman down and hold her during sex. He may want to act out fantasies during sex where the woman is helpless. He's letting her know that the idea of rape is exciting. He may show little concern about whether the woman wants to have sex and uses sulking or anger to manipulate her into compliance. He may start having sex with the woman while she is sleeping, or demand sex when she is ill or tired.
11 VERBAL ABUSE
In addition to saying things that are meant to be cruel and hurtful, this can be seen when the abuser degrades the woman, cursing her, and running down any of her accomplishments. The abuser will tell the woman that she is stupid and unable to function without him. This may involve waking the woman up to verbally abuse her or not letting her go to sleep.
12. RIGID SEX ROLES
The abuser expects a woman to serve him. He may say the woman must stay at home, and that she must obey in all things - even things that are criminal in nature. The abuser will see women as inferior to men, responsible for menial tasks, stupid, and unable to be a whole person without a relationship.
13. DR. JEKYLL AND MR. HYDE
Many women are confused by their abuser's "sudden" changes in mood. They may think the abuser has some special mental problem because one minute he's nice and the next he's exploding. Explosiveness and moodiness are typical of people who beat their partners, and these behaviors are related to other characteristics like hypersensitivity.
14. ***PAST BATTERING
This person may say he has hit women in the past, but they made him do it. The woman may hear from relatives or ex-spouses or girlfriends that the person is abusive. A batterer will beat any woman they are with if the woman is with him long enough for the violence to begin. Situational circumstances do not make a person have an abusive personality.
15. ***THREATS OF VIOLENCE
This could include any threat of physical force meant to control the woman. "I'll slap your mouth off," "I'll kill you," "I'll break your neck." Most people do not threaten their mates, but a batterer will try to excuse threats by saying "everybody talks like that."
16. ***BREAKING OR STRIKING OBJECTS
This behavior is used as a punishment (breaking loved possessions), but is mostly used to terrorize the woman into submission. The abuser may beat on the table with his fist, and throw objects around or near the woman. Again, this is very remarkable behavior. Not only is this a sign of extreme emotional immaturity, but there is great danger when someone thinks they have the "right" to punish or frighten their wife or girlfriend.
17. ***ANY FORCE DURING AN ARGUMENT
This may involve a batterer holding a woman down, physically restraining her from leaving the room, and any pushing or shoving. They may hold the woman against the wall and say, "You're going to listen to me!"
What are the effects of domestic violence?
Domestic violence has wide ranging and sometimes long-term effects on victims. The effects can be both physical and psychological and can impact the direct victim as well as any children who witness parental violence.
The physical health effects of domestic violence are varied. Victims may experience physical injury (lacerations, bruises, broken bones, head injuries, internal bleeding), chronic pelvic pain, abdominal and gastrointestinal complaints, frequent vaginal and urinary tract infections, sexually transmitted diseases, and HIV.2,8 Victims may also experience pregnancy-related problems. Women who are battered during pregnancy are at higher risk for poor weight gain, pre-term labor, miscarriage, low infant birth weight, and injury to or death of the fetus.
There are also many psychological effects of domestic violence. Depression remains the foremost response, with 60% of battered women reporting depression.9 In addition, battered women are at greater risk for suicide attempts, with 25% of suicide attempts by Caucasian women and 50% of suicide attempts by African American women preceded by abuse.4
Along with depression, domestic violence victims may also experience Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), which is characterized by symptoms such as flashbacks, intrusive imagery, nightmares, anxiety, emotional numbing, insomnia, hyper-vigilance, and avoidance of traumatic triggers. Several empirical studies have explored the relationship between experiencing domestic violence and developing PTSD. Vitanza, Vogel, and Marshall10 interviewed 93 women reporting to be in long-term, stressful relationships. The researchers looked at the relationships among psychological abuse, severity of violence in the relationship, and PTSD. The results of the study showed a significant correlation between domestic violence and PTSD. In each group in the study (psychological abuse only, moderate violence, and severe violence), women scored in the significant range for PTSD. Overall, 55.9% of the sample met diagnostic criteria for PTSD. In further support of the strong relationship between domestic violence and PTSD, Mertin and Mohr,11 interviewed 100 women in Australian shelters, each of whom had experienced domestic violence. They found that 45 of the 100 women met diagnostic criteria for PTSD.
Children may develop behavioral or emotional difficulties after experiencing physical abuse in the context of domestic violence or after witnessing parental abuse. Children's responses to the violence may vary from aggression to withdrawal to somatic complaints. In addition, children may develop symptoms of depression, anxiety, or PTSD.1
State Coalition List
Alabama Coalition Against Domestic Violence
P. O. Box 4762
Montgomery, AL 36101
(334) 832-4842 Fax: (334) 832-4803
(800) 650-6522 Hotline
Website: www.acadv.org
Email: acadv@acadv.orG
Alaska Network on Domestic and Sexual Violence
130 Seward Street, Room 209
Juneau, AK 99801
(907) 586-3650 Fax: (907) 463-4493
Website: www.andvsa.org
Arizona Coalition Against Domestic Violence
100 W. Camelback, ..109
Phoenix, AZ 85013
(602) 279-2900 Fax: (602) 279-2980
(800) 782-6400 Nationwide
Website: www.azcadv.org
Email: acadv@azadv.org
Arkansas Coalition Against Domestic Violence
1401 W. Capitol Avenue, Suite 170
Little Rock, AR 72201
(501) 907-5612 Fax: (501) 907-5618
(800) 269-4668 Nationwide
Website: www.domesticpeace.com
Email: kbangert@domesticpeace.com
California Partnership to End Domestic Violence
P. O. Box 1798
Sacramento, CA 95812
(916) 444-7163 Fax: (916) 444-7165
(800) 524-4765 Nationwide
Website: www.cpedv.org
Email: info@cpedv.org
Colorado Coalition Against Domestic Violence
P. O. Box 18902
Denver, CO 80218
(303) 831-9632 Fax: (303) 832-7067
(888) 788-7091
Website: www.ccadv.org
Connecticut Coalition Against Domestic Violence
90 Pitkin Street
East Hartford, CT 06108
(860) 282-7899 Fax: (860) 282-7892
(800) 281-1481 In State
(888) 774-2900 In State DV Hotline
Website: www.ctcadv.org
Email: info@ctcadv.org
Delaware Coalition Against Domestic Violence
100 W. 10th Street, ..703
Wilmington, DE 19801
(302) 658-2958 Fax: (302) 658-5049
(800) 701-0456 Statewide
Website: www.dcadv.org
Email: dcadv@dcadv.org
DC Coalition Against Domestic Violence
5 Thomas Circle NW
Washington, DC 20005
(202) 299-1181 Fax: (202) 299-1193
Website: www.dccadv.org
Email: help@dccadv.org
Florida Coalition Against Domestic Violence
425 Office Plaza
Tallahassee, FL 32301
(850) 425-2749 Fax: (850) 425-3091
(850) 621-4202 TDD
(800) 500-1119 In State
Website: www.fcadv.org
Georgia Coalition Against Domestic Violence
3420 Norman Berry Drive, ..280
Atlanta, GA 30354
(404) 209-0280 Fax: (404) 766-3800
Website: www.gcadv.org
Hawaii State Coalition Against Domestic Violence
716 Umi Street, Suite 210
Honolulu, HI 96819-2337
(808) 832-9316 Fax: (808) 841-6028
Website: www.hscadv.org
Idaho Coalition Against Sexual & Domestic Violence
815 Park Boulevard, ..140
Boise, ID 83712
(208) 384-0419 Fax: (208) 331-0687
(888) 293-6118 Nationwide
Website: www.idvsa.org
Email: domvio@mindspring.com
Illinois Coalition Against Domestic Violence
801 S. 11th Street
Springfield, IL 62703
(217) 789-2830 Fax: (217) 789-1939
Website: www.ilcadv.org
Email: ilcadv@ilcadv.org
Indiana Coalition Against Domestic Violence
1915 W. 18th Street
Indianapolis, IN 46202
(317) 917-3685 Fax: (317) 917-3695
(800) 332-7385 In State
Website: www.violenceresource.org
Email: icadv@violenceresource.org
Iowa Coalition against Domestic Violence
515 28th Street, ..104
Des Moines, IA 50312
(515) 244-8028 Fax: (515) 244-7417
(800) 942-0333 In State Hotline
Website: www.icadv.org
Kansas Coalition against Sexual and Domestic Violence
634 SW Harrison Street Topeka, KS 66603
(785) 232-9784 Fax: (785) 266-1874
Website: www.kcsdv.org
Email: coalition@kcsdv.org
Kentucky Domestic Violence Association
P.O. Box 356
Frankfort, KY 40602
(502) 695-2444 Fax: (502) 695-2488
Website: www.kdva.org
Louisiana Coalition Against Domestic Violence
P.O. Box 77308
Baton Rouge, LA 70879
(225) 752-1296 Fax: (225) 751-8927
Website: www.lcadv.org
Maine Coalition To End Domestic Violence
170 Park Street
Bangor, ME 04401
(207) 941-1194 Fax: (207) 941-2327
Website: www.mcedv.org
Email: info@mcedv.org
Maryland Network Against Domestic Violence
6911 Laurel-Bowie Road, ..309
Bowie, MD 20715
(301) 352-4574 Fax: (301) 809-0422
(800) 634-3577 Nationwide
Website: www.mnadv.org
Email: mnadv@aol.com
Jane Doe, Inc./Massachusetts Coalition Against Sexual Assault and Domestic Violence
14 Beacon Street, ..507
Boston, MA 02108
(617) 248-0922 Fax: (617) 248-0902
TTY/TTD: (617) 263-2200
Website: www.janedoe.org
Email: info@janedoe.org
Michigan Coalition against Domestic & Sexual Violence
3893 Okemos Road, ..B-2
Okemos, MI 48864
(517) 347-7000 Fax: (517) 347-1377
TTY: (517) 381-8470
Website: www.mcadsv.org
Email: general@mcadsv.org
Minnesota Coalition For Battered Women
1821 University Avenue West, ..S-112
St. Paul, MN 55104
(651) 646-6177 Fax: (651) 646-1527
Crisis Line: (651) 646-0994
(800) 289-6177 Nationwide
Website: www.mcbw.org
Email: mcbw@mcbw.org
Mississippi Coalition Against Domestic Violence
P.O. Box 4703
Jackson, MS 39296
(601) 981-9196 Fax: (601) 981-2501
Website: www.mcadv.org
Missouri Coalition Against Domestic Violence
718 East Capitol Avenue
Jefferson City, MO 65101
(573) 634-4161 Fax: (573) 636-3728
Website: www.mocadv.org
Email: mcadv@sockets.net
Montana Coalition Against Domestic & Sexual Violence
P.O. Box 818
Helena, MT 59624
(406) 443-7794 Fax: (406) 443-7818
(888) 404-7794 Nationwide
Website: www.mcadsv.com
Email: mcadsv@mt.net
Nebraska Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault Coalition
825 M Street, ..404
Lincoln, NE 68508
(402) 476-6256 Fax: (402) 476-6806
(800) 876-6238 In State
Website: www.ndvsac.org
Email: info@ndvsac.org
Nevada Network Against Domestic Violence
100 West Grove Street, ..315
Reno, NV 89509
(775) 828-1115 Fax: (775) 828-9911
(800) 500-1556 In State
Website: www.nnadv.org
New Hampshire Coalition Against Domestic and Sexual Violence
P.O. Box 353
Concord, NH 03302
(603) 224-8893 Fax: (603) 228-6096
(866) 644-3574 In State
Website: www.nhcadsv.org
New Jersey Coalition for Battered Women
1670 Whitehorse Hamilton Square
Trenton, NJ 08690
(609) 584-8107 Fax: (609) 584-9750
(800) 572-7233 In State
Website: www.njcbw.org
Email: info@njcbw.org
New Mexico State Coalition Against Domestic Violence
200 Oak NE, ..4
Albuquerque, NM 87106
(505) 246-9240 Fax: (505) 246-9434
(800) 773-3645 In State
Website: www.nmcadv.org
New York State Coalition Against Domestic Violence
350 New Scotland Avenue
Albany, NY 12054
(518) 482-5464 Fax: (518) 482-3807
(800) 942-6906 English-In State
(800) 942-6908 Spanish-In State
Website: www.nyscadv.org
Email: nyscadv@nyscadv.org
North Carolina Coalition Against Domestic Violence
115 Market Street, ..400
Durham, NC 27701
(919) 956-9124 Fax: (919) 682-1449
(888) 232-9124 Nation wide
Website: www.nccadv.org
North Dakota Council on Abused Women's Services
418 E. Rosser Avenue, ..320
Bismark, ND 58501
(701) 255-6240 Fax: (701) 255-1904
(888) 255-6240 Nationwide
Website: www.ndcaws.org
Email: ndcaws@ndcaws.org
Action Ohio Coalition For Battered Women
P.O. Box 15673
Columbus, OH 43215
(614) 221-1255 Fax: (614) 221-6357
(888) 622-9315 In State
Website: www.actionohio.org
Email: actionoh@ee.net
Ohio Domestic Violence Network
4807 Evanswood Drive, ..201
Columbus, OH 43229
(614) 781-9651 Fax: (614) 781-9652
(800) 934-9840
Website: www.odvn.org
Email: info@odvn.org
Oklahoma Coalition Against Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault
3815 N. Sante Fe Ave., Suite 124
Oklahoma City, OK 73118
(405) 524-0700 Fax: (405) 524-0711
Website: www.ocadvsa.org
Oregon Coalition Against Domestic and Sexual Violence
380 SE Spokane Street, ..100
Portland, OR 97202
(503) 230-1951 Fax: (503) 230-1973
Website: www.ocadsv.com
Pennsylvania Coalition Against Domestic Violence
6400 Flank Drive, ..1300
Harrisburg, PA 17112
(717) 545-6400 Fax: (717) 545-9456
(800) 932-4632 Nationwide
Website: www.pcadv.org
The Office of Women Advocates
Box 11382
Fernandez Juancus Station
Santurce, PR 00910
(787) 721-7676 Fax: (787) 725-9248
Rhode Island Coalition Against Domestic Violence
422 Post Road, ..202
Warwick, RI 02888
(401) 467-9940 Fax: (401) 467-9943
(800) 494-8100 In State
Website: www.ricadv.org
Email: ricadv@ricadv.org
South Carolina Coalition Against Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault
P.O. Box 7776
Columbia, SC 29202
(803) 256-2900 Fax: (803) 256-1030
(800) 260-9293 Nationwide
Website: www.sccadvasa.org
South Dakota Coalition Against Domestic Violence & Sexual Assault
P.O. Box 141
Pierre, SD 57501
(605) 945-0869 Fax: (605) 945-0870
(800) 572-9196 Nationwide
Website: www.southdakotacoalition.org
Email: sdcadvsa@rapidnet.com
Tennessee Coalition Against Domestic and Sexual Violence
P.O. Box 120972
Nashville, TN 37212
(615) 386-9406 Fax: (615) 383-2967
(800) 289-9018 In State
Website: www.tcadsv.org
Email: tcadsv@tcadsv.org
Texas Council On Family Violence
P.O. Box 161810
Austin, TX 78716
(512) 794-1133 Fax: (512) 794-1199
(800) 525-1978 In State
Website: www.tcfv.org
Women's Coalition of St. Croix
Box 2734
Christiansted
St. Croix, VI 00822
(340) 773-9272 Fax: (340) 773-9062
Website: www.wcstx.com
Email: wcscstx@attglobal.net
Utah Domestic Violence Council
320 W. 200 South, ..270-B
Salt Lake City, UT 84101
(801) 521-5544 Fax: (801) 521-5548
Website: www.udvac.org
Vermont Network Against Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault
P.O. Box 405
Montpelier, VT 05601
(802) 223-1302 Fax: (802) 223-6943
Website: www.vtnetwork.org
Email: vtnetwork@vtnetwork.org
Virginians Against Domestic Violence
2850 Sandy Bay Road, ..101
Williamsburg, VA 23185
(757) 221-0990 Fax: (757) 229-1553
(800) 838-8238 Nationwide
Website: www.vadv.org
Email: vadv@tni.net
Washington State Coalition Against Domestic Violence
711 Capitol Way, ..702
Olympia, WA 98501
(360) 586-1022 Fax: (360) 586-1024
1402 .. 3rd Avenue, ..406
Seattle, WA 98101
(206) 389-2515 Fax. (206) 389-2520
(800) 886-2880 In State
Website: www.wscadv.org
Email: wscadv@wscadv.org
West Virginia Coalition Against Domestic Violence
4710 Chimney Drive, ..A
Charleston, WV 25302
(304) 965-3552 Fax: (304) 965-3572
Website: www.wvcadv.org
Wisconsin Coalition Against Domestic Violence
307 S. Paterson Street, ..1
Madison, WI 53703
(608) 255-0539 Fax: (608) 255-3560
Website: www.wcadv.org
Email: wcadv@wcadv.org
Wyoming Coalition Against Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault
P.O. Box 236
409 South Fourth Street
Laramie, WY 82073
(307) 755-5481 Fax: (307) 755-5482
(800) 990-3877 Nationwide
Website: www.wyomingdvsa.org
Email: Info@mail.wyomingdvsa.org
