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Dvls Angl's blog: "Reality"

created on 04/13/2008  |  http://fubar.com/reality/b206931
Please bear with me on this....I feel it is benefical to my healing processes to tell John's story. As most of you know, John, my husband, took his life on 20 April 2008. If this can help or save one other person, then John's death will not be in vain. This all started in October 2006.....John started to get depressed. The doctor put him on anti depressants, these didn't help. They only made him worse. In the course of the next few months, the doctors put John on many different meds ranging from Paxil, Kolonopin, Lamictal, Seroquil, Ambien ...... actually you name it...he was on it. On Feb 3, 2007, John left the house to take a drive. This usually helped him to calm down. What I didn't know was that John had taken all his meds with him. I recieved a text message on my cell from John with him saying good bye. For the next couple of hours the phone calls and text messages continued. The state police for both NJ and PA were called and the search began. The forest rangers found him almost passed out. John had taken roughly 300 pills.....a mix of all the psych meds he had been taking along with a bunch of alcohol. John was trying to kill himself that night. He spent three days in ICU and 4 days in a facility. He was released on Feb 11th. The nightmare does not end here. On Feb 15th, John again took a drive to clear his head. The texts and phone calls began again. All saying good bye and that he had taken all his meds, again with alcohol. Again, the State police of NJ were called and found him.....but he had already taken 150 mixed pills. This time he was hospitalized (in the same hospital) until the end of Feburary....the 28th to be exact. Over the next few months, John went to couseling and doctors, and seemed to be doing much better. Until the end of May, when John got out of bed......found the key to the box his meds were locked up in, and took them and left the house. Again the good bye texts and phone calls started......again the State police were called ...... and again...they found John, although not before he swallowed a bunch of his medication. This time was different thou........John was pleading and begging for help.....he just wanted to be picked up and taken home.....but the to the hospital he went again. Again three days in ICU, although this time his lungs started to fail and he was put on a respirator.....along with some of his other organs. His body had its fill. None of these three times could they pump his stomach. His was hospitalized and released on Jun 5th. For the next few weeks, it was tough. This all had taken a toll on the girls and on myself.......I told John that he would have to stay somewhere else. He spent a week at a friends house where all he was doing was taking valium and smoking weed.....more depressants. Then he went to his Aunts.....where he seemed at times to be more of him self.....until again in mid Jun, he took some meds.....drank some Jack....and the texts and phone calls started again......only this time....he was going to cut his wrists. He took a walk in to the woods.....the police were called again. Another visit to the hospital.......three days in ICU and four days hospitalized. At this point in time, the doctors were telling me there was nothing wrong with him. Ok....so we are at the fourth attempt and there is nothing wrong with him. So, what is a person to do. There are no long term treatment centers that you can be put into without being committed and with out any doctors help the process to have a person committed is unreasonable. Again, a few more doctors and a few more short term outpatient programs and then John just stopped going..........what are we to do? Nothing.....cause again...there is nothing wrong with him. September 24th I found John. He was out of it and hallucinating, and told me he was going to shoot himself with a shot gun. The police were called and he was taken to the hospital again....This time they kept him less than 48 hours. So you see I guess the more attempts you make the shorter your stay gets and the more you are told....there is nothing wrong. In Nov, John had a very traumatic experience and found his friend with a bullet hole in his head. I am leaving some of the details out....but this weighed on him greatly. On April 19, 2008, the texts and phone calls started again. They carried on through the morning of the 20th with the last text being at 2:20 pm. I called the police, they were looking for him. Sometime between 3:15 and 3:30 pm....John put a 9 mm barretta to the right side of his head and pulled the trigger. This was the 6th time and he was successful. So, can any of the doctors tell me now that there was nothing wrong. Can any of those doctors that said there was nothing wrong bring John back again? No, they can't!!!!!!!!!!! If you or anyone is going through this, please push and fight for what they need. I am not saying that the hospitals and doctors are to blame, but if they had given him a little more of the help he needed.....this may not have gotten this far. My marriage would have stayed together and I would have been growing old with a man that I love.............Now I am here alone and about to fight for different legislation to be passed.............
You left me here to stand alone With broken dreams and a shattered heart The only solace I have to feel, Is your pain was lifted from your heavy heart. I don't pretend to know what you felt I don't pretend to understand But your loss is more than I can handle You were my life and my love for so long I am so angry that you left me here to stand alone You had no idea what you meant to us But I hope you can see now that you meant the world You left so many to grieve your loss So many say you took the cowards way But they just don't understand, your need to clear the pain. I can't pretend that I am not angry or devasted For I will never see your smiling face again Your love will burn inside of me until my dieing day. John Andrew Markey Jr.......RIP 20 Apr 08 I will love you forever!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Alrighty now....I really don't happen to step into fubar that much....maybe 5 mins a day or to blow off a little boredom after a night out on the weekends, but I know my place. This isn't my life!!! It isn't reality!!! My reality is my children, my family, my job and my tangible friends....don't get me wrong....I love my fubar friends, I love being able to blow off steam and have a bit of fun, but isn't that what fantasy is for??? So, when people start fucking with me, I tend to be a little curious....Is this their reality?????? Is this what they live for????? There are those rare occasions when your fantasy world and reality meet....actually meeting someone from online that you formed a bond or common interest with. Then they become part of your reality, and I have met one person from fubar who has become reality to me. I digress....back to people fucking with me.....I have learned to handle that, I choke it up to what it is...fantasy land playing stupid childish games when those people can't handle their own reality or just don't want to face it. But ya know, don't fuck with my friends, and I have a number of "fubar" friends that were reality long before I even knew of fubar. I really hate when people in fanasty land try to pit me against those people who are my reality and have been for a long time. Grow up, get off the computer, get out of the house and start living in reality. I think I feel a little better. So now....I'm going back to my reality and going fishing.......Have a great day. OH, real quick....I would like to apologize to all my "fubar" and reality friends on fubar for the person who has been fucking with you. I know who it is, and I will deal with it in my own way, in given time......afterall....I've trained very well...in reality.....on how to deal with people like this....and I'm not afraid. I just hate drama...and I will not be sucked into anyone elses drama (real or imaginary)......
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