1:29 am and it’s late on a Friday morning…I should be tucked away ; sleeping soundly tonight as I do each night. Drifting into an abyss of dreams , nightmares that plague my mind each night. Though tonight that doesn’t seem to be the case…tonight it seems I sit here…up my mind going a thousands miles a minute as I think, think and think some more about us. You and I… I haven’t thought about the sentence in such a while that perhaps it was better when I didn’t spend majority of my time seconding guessing my feelings and lived isolated, my heart frozen from feeling. It sure as hell was better then always wondering, doubting if I’m the person…the right person you need me to be? Who I am and who you see I wonder if they’re often the same person?
Back before I discovered I had a heart…or was in self denial I walked away…without any care in the world. Nothing really bothered me yet then here you came and changed all that. I’m not writing this intentionally to make it sounds as though you snapped your fingers and bam instant gratification. Attraction at a drop of a hat, that never truly happens …two years of myself being in denial while you constantly dropped hints, if I’d been any blinder I think I would have been hit by an eighteen wheeler. Patience, the patience, the dedication you showed amazed me, had I been in your shoes I’d have walked the other way. Deciding that nothings worth that much grief, that much dismissal as much as I did my best to ignore the little warning signs. Bells…sound the alarm as one singer once sang…the alarms went off…all around yet I stayed around and you once more keyed yourself in. Like a melody to a song that constantly plays over and over again on the radio…you know the song I’m talking about…the one that you can’t get out of your mind.
Well now the tables have turned and it’s my turn…looking back thinking of all the good times we’ve shared. The ups, down twist and turns…roller coaster of emotions that we’ve tackled together, yet it’s two years down the road once more and we’re still in constant contact. Now though it seems as if I’ve fallen this time; fallen and injured, scraped my knee…still bleeding as I’m hoping someone walks on by soon with a band aid to seal the wound the flows freely. If only life was that simple and happy ending truly did exist…am I wrong to assume that maybe what we have is more then just friendship? More then a strong bond forged through the trials and tribulations we’ve overcome?
Twenty and nineteen years old, darling soldier we still have many more years to go…much more relationships to breeze on through. Though as I sit here…watching a cockroach in the corner scamper across the ceiling…I doubt I’d love another the way I’ve seen to fallen for you. Why do we as teenagers or even as adults never listen when they say, or advise us…you truly never know what you have till it’s gone?
Now I think I think too much…putting too much thought into this and just need to let life run it’s course. Believe that if you love something enough and you let it go, that if it returns to you then it was meant to be yours. Damn though I sure as hell want to be selfish and hold on tight….growl at anyone who dares and tries to say your theirs but I can’t simply because then I’ll be holding you back from experiencing life the way you should. I wouldn’t want you to be that way with me, so why should I act like that with you? Even though it kills me to say “If you’re happy then I’m happy…” In the back of my mind there is always that tiny little voice that says “what if?” Is what kills me majority of the time and that’s when the insecurity comes out and my claws extend and the first person, which majority of the time happens to be you on the receiving end.
I apologize for every time I told you I didn’t care…that I didn’t see you that way. Then I refused to believe anyone could see me when I myself couldn’t see who I truly was – to this day I still can’t see who I am. I don’t trust myself entirely and at times if it feels I’m running the other way, hold on tight and don’t let go. Don’t let me flee the other way, don’t let me run away or ruin a chance at happiness …a chance that may last a life time with us. Yes we’re young and yeah many may call us stupid or me perhaps for writing this and not truly thinking clearly, perhaps it’s the alcohol that has me in overdrive. Or perhaps it just that this is what I’ve been thinking for such a long indefinite amount of time though I truly never possessed the courage to come clean and let anyone in on how I’m feeling. Wearing my heart on my sleeve…emotions splayed across my face for the world to see that hasn’t changed much…still that girl. Though now I’m a lady who’s for the first time realized …seen what others saw before her. That she had simply been in love but blind, had turned a blind eye to what had been standing right before her. I’m not saying anything is ever easy hell I’m the living experience that time and time again life kicks you in the ass and knocks you around. Life tends to get it’s jollies by driving us insane. Though it’s how you step up and handle the situation that separates you from the mentally sane from the deranged or perhaps the emotionally strong to the weakest link. Often I find myself teetering dangerously on the edge of that line.
My biggest dream…is to some day find a person who will love me for me…for my flaws but for my strengths. Perhaps it may be you but yet how will we both know if we never truly experience anything other then each other. I’m not entirely sure what or how you feel but I fear for if I stepped up, came clean confessed what I felt that you’d only laugh and say silly girl “ love is for fools”. Gamble , take a chance the inner voice in my heart chides while my mind is telling me over and over again to shut up and not take a chance. That I don’t want to hurt no more, the first time I went through that pain was enough and I doubt I’m strong enough to pull myself together a second time.
Though as I look around I see life is all about second chances, seconds chances and taking risk. I’m not a gambling person but I know what my heart says and it skips a beat each time I hear your voice. I choose to be who I am and I’ve made my decision yet I don’t want to appear weak , don’t want you to think you hold that type of power over me so you’ll never see, read or even truly really begun to hear how deep my feelings for you run. I rather keep you at arms length then to risk losing you as a friend, a broken heart is easier to fix then letting you walk away forever and losing what we’ve built these past two years. I rather suffer in silence and move on, finding another reason to love, to smile but down deep down I know you’re my first choice. The first person I want to run to when the world becomes to hard to bare…the guy I choose to sleep beside each night when the stars are high in the sky. Whose scars are intertwined within my own, who I know will stand besides me.
Once before you once asked me to describe what type of guy I look to marry when I grew older. Darling Solider boy that guy has been you always I just never saw it before perhaps it had to be distance that separated us before my eyes opened. Or perhaps then I truly wasn’t ready to fully comprehend what it meant to truly care for another being yet I feel as if I’m baring my soul for the world to see and as now I doubt I care. I just know that this is how I feel and if I think perhaps I should turn down the emotions and return to being cold to you. Perhaps then it’ll hurt less…you are loved so loved by many and there are many who are blessed with your presence in their life. Perhaps you truly are to good to be true but honestly some day I had wanted to marry you. I doubt that’ll ever change but we both have so much to experience and get through that perhaps coming clean like this isn’t the best way to tell you. Perhaps I shouldn’t be so up front, is it better if I pretend I never fell for you?
That your not on my mind when I’m not busy or better yet when I’m down you’re the one person who can always bring me back from the darkest corner with just a memory of you. For now though you’ll never truly know, for now I’ll only ever refer to you as “Friend” because if I ever truly let you know that I’m in love with you would be my down fall and I don’t think neither of us are ready for those words. We love each other but yet we both have so much growing up to do. I doubt you trust me when I’ve never given you any reason to really trust me.
Just perhaps someday…
You’ll know how deep I have and may always be …
Loving you
