268157's blog: "Randomness"

I feel like I'm capable of anything, I'm willing to do everything, yet in the end I gain nothing. I'm accustomed to disappointment, I expect to be denied and rejected, yet I can't find the strength to fight back. I'm constantly reminded of my failures, I can't escape the echoes of the past, though I feel like I could move on... But move on to what and where, Who will accept and console me, and why would they bother? A broken soul and shattered being, My grasp on the thin strand of my life, one more slip and I fall to the abyss. I believe my life will always ride the line, Faltering and stumbling all the time, hoping someone will help me avoid the obstacles. I work so hard only to fall on my face, I constantly have to reinforce my own integrity, but adapting illusions can only take me so far. I'm told I have no focus, I think my focus is too broad to understand, and my tenacious drive completely misinterpreted. Too many dreams to cloud my thoughts, Trapped in unconventional idealism, but one day I'll find my place.

Okay, it's been 4 years since I've had sex. Technically, I was 19 years old, thus I haven't had sex since I was a teenager. Isn't that funny? Hell, I feel like laughing at myself. I've spent 4 years occupying myself with work, playing music, everything but relationships. I guess I've tried to avoid them. I figured if I was meant to be with someone, damnit, they could find me. I got pretty tired of having my heart trampled upon and all that nonsense, and wasn't good at seeking out girls... couldn't handle the college scene, the bar scene, etc. So, for some reason, after all this time, the little light of hope has started to flicker inside my heart. I'm starting to feel human again, which I think I thought of myself as a robot for awhile. Let's just hope that little candle that just fired up doesn't set the whole forest ablaze like it has in the past. Hooray!