Just wanted to drop a note.
I need to apologize for my behavior last night. I had a few too many of this and that and got in that mode of feeling sorry for myself.
Its been a rough road and sometimes I feel like there is no point in trying to maintain inside the yellow line.
I have to thank a couple people that were there for me. Helly for one. She is the best. Bounty, I love ya man. thank you. Terri, I see how strong you are and I don't understand how you can hang the way you do. It is truly an inspiration.
With everything going on in my life at the moment sometimes it gets a bit overwhelming.
I need to pull myself up and slap myself around sometimes. Lot of people depending on me and I can't let them down.
Anyway, I apologize to everyone.
Highway Song
Days of endless struggle
More hopeful pills today
Trying to appear ‘normal’
In some sort of way.
It seems that the struggle
Is always here with me
And I wouldn’t be here now
If guilt would leave me be
I know there’s been many
Who’ve had it worse than I
But that doesn’t always mean
That I wouldn’t say good-bye
People say I have a lot going for me
I’m sorry, but I just can’t see
I can’t see because my worst enemy
Is not my life, but inside of me.
Always on a roller coaster,
Not much consistency
I’m nothing if I’m not up or down
I’m nothing if just ‘me.’
Very little energy
Wanting to stay in bed
Wishing to be enthusiastic
Instead of feeling like I’m made of lead.
Wanting to be excited
Wanting to care for more
But when nothing makes sense
It’s hard to focus on the poor.
Cluttered mind, cluttered thinking
It’s hard to keep in touch
With what is happening around me
And not to worry too much.
I feel that everybody is better than me
And that I can’t do anything right.
This is how I’ve felt my whole dang life
It didn’t just start last night.
No confidence, no self-esteem
Everybody else is right
To speak my mind is to be a fool
So I just try to ‘sit tight.’
Any one of these problems
Would be a heavy vice
But when you have them ALL
Living seems like a roll of the dice.
Life is a prison,
Oh God let me out.
No one to listen,
To hear when you shout.
Climb the walls of insanity,
Ride the waves of despair.
If you fall it don't matter,
There's no one to care.
Used to wish for a window,
To see birds, trees and sky,
But you're better without one -
Stops you aiming too high.
Watching freedom is painful,
For those locked away.
Seeing joy, love and happiness,
Another price that you pay.
Strong is good, weak is bad.
Be it false, be it true.
Your mind makes the choice,
And enforces it too.
Cell walls built by society,
With rules to adhere.
If you breach the acceptable,
You had better beware.
Hide the pain, carry on,
Routine is the key.
Don't let on that you're not,
What you're pretending to be.
Lock it all up inside you,
How badly that bodes.
Look out for that one day,
When it all just explodes.
Leaving naught but a shell,
Base functionality too.
But killing all else,
That was uniquely you.
So how do you grow,
With a timebomb inside?
Or how to defuse it,
Without destroying its ride?
Like walking into a dream, so unlike what you've seen
so unsure but it seems, ’cause we’ve been waiting for you
Fallen into this place, just giving you a small taste
of your afterlife here so stay, you'll be back here soon anyway
I see a distant light, but girl this can't be right
Such a surreal place to see so how did this come to be
Arrived too early
And when I think of all the places I just don't belong
I've come to grips with life and realize this is going too far
I don't belong here, we gotta move on dear escape from this afterlife
’Cause this time I'm right to move on and on, far away from here
A place of hope and no pain, perfect skies with no rain
Can leave this place but refrain, ’cause we've been waiting for you
Fallen into this place, just giving you a small taste
of your afterlife here so stay, you'll be back here soon anyway
This peace on earth's not right (with my back against the wall)
No pain or sign of time (I’m much too young to fall)
So out of place don't wanna stay, I feel wrong and that's my sign
I've made up my mind
Gave me your hand but realize I just wanna say goodbye
Please understand I have to leave and carry on my own life
I don't belong here, I gotta move on dear escape from this afterlife
’Cause this time I'm right to move on and on, far away from here
Got nothing against you and surely I'll miss you
This place full of peace and light, and I’d hope you might
take me back inside when the time is right
Loved ones back home all crying ’cause they're already missing me
I pray by the grace of God that there's somebody listening
Give me a chance to be that person I wanna be
(I am unbroken; I’m choking on this ecstasy)
Oh Lord I'll try so hard but you gotta let go of me
(Unbreak me, unchain me, I need another chance to live)
(Fast Guitar Solo)
(Screaming)
(Laughing)
I don't belong here, I gotta move on dear escape from this afterlife
’Cause this time I'm right to move on and on, far away from here
Got nothing against you and surely I'll miss you
This place full of peace and light, and I’d hope you might
take me back inside when the time is right
Im tired. I am tired of being sick. I am tired of being alone. I am tired of being tired. Why do I have to put up with this bullshit? I was in the hospital Saturday night and came home monday afternoon. My kids didn't call me, my friends didn't call me. Nobody gave a shit. Not like I have leprosy. My attitude sucks. I am beginning to wonder why I want to continue.
My treatments leave me feeling like shit. I have only been doing them a short time and I am not sure that I want to continue doing them anymore already.
If it's your time, its your time. Right?
Doesn't seem like pumping your body full of man made bullshit is any healthier for you anyway. We hear about that shit all the time too.
I have to wonder if it matters anymore.
I don't want anyone's sympathy or pity. I am venting. I am mad. I am confused. I am tired. so very tired.
-Highwaysong
Found this motley bunch dancing.