dear blog,
i'm writing in you today, possibly out of boredom. i feel like i have so much to say. i've been doing a lot of what you might call soul searching and i've found out quite a bit about myself and...that i dont really know myself at all.
i have so much building up inside of my mind...i want to spit it out...i just wish i could stick my finger down my throat and force vomit out all of my inner...turmoil onto the keyboard and let it seep through all the letters and numbers and really sink in.
i need to get in touch with the version of myself that knew how to say what i wanted to say...without tripping over small obstacles like my tongue. i feel so much in limbo...that i cant see or feel whats going on around me. its like being drunk with your eyes closed. you know whats going on around you...but you cant react to anything, and you dont really understand why.
so maybe most of what i feel or think gets lost in translation, or maybe i just dont feel like explaining it. and really when i write here..its for me, not for you.
i just dont know what i mean. i woke up today, and i dont feel like me. and maybe the idea of 'me' was never really what i thought it was. i'm going to wake up every day of my life never really feeling like me. maybe thats why i would bury myself in drugs, before. it made me forget what it feels like to not know whats going on in my own head. so maybe this is me. the me that never feels real. the me that always feels confused. and stupid. and....lost.
i know where i am, and i know where i'm going in my physical being. but on the inside...i'm such a fucking mess. like a sore muscle...a great big mass of tension, tears and torment. throw some sex in the mix, and maybe a little love. and thats me. inside. i cant distinguish between anything i'm feeling inside. i know what i should feel and i know what i could feel. i feel guilty when i dont react the way i should. sometimes maybe i feel too little. i wonder if maybe i have good intentions behind everything that i do. in fact, now that i think of it...i dont. i'm probably one of the most selfish people that i know.
i think...why do i love this person? why do i want to be around them? the logical answer would be...because i want them to be happy, right? what if my only reasoning is that they make me happy? i'm so scared to be that kind of person. i wish i could give selflessly. but really...i want to be loved right back. even my son loves me back. i dont know if i'd get as much enjoyment out of mother-hood if he didnt smile, and laugh and hug me so much. i know that loving him is easy. so why is it so hard for anything else to come.
i should feel guilty for the things that i have done. i should hurt inside. but...i dont. i a m h e a r t l e s s. if you're heartless...you cant hate, can you? it takes heart to hate someone with a passion. passion comes from the heart. so maybe thats my problem. i've no passion. i wonder how one acquires passion. maybe i've just used up all my allowance on that. i used to be so passionate. i used to be so...intense. i knew everything that i felt..and i knew why. i used to embrace all the love in the world in my heart. what happened to it? why is it gone? i could be heartless, because i dont really hate. at all. there are people that i could never forgive, but i do not hate them. i cant even hate myself anymore.
i just feel so...............indifferent, cold, and apathetic about everything. i need my heart to grow back.
i realize now that i didnt really even love my husband the way i should have. i cared for him, a great deal, i didnt LOVE him. i thought i did. but i dont think i ever really knew what love really was. you make so many mistakes this way. i shouldnt jump the gun so much. i think i feel a certain way, and i want it so bad...that i jump in head first. so many people get hurt that way.
if theres a switch somewhere inside my chest....open me up and turn me back on...i need to feel this world again. it seems like all these feelings are hiding behind the corner....i'm just not sure which way to turn. what if its not possible for me to feel anymore? i suppose that the emptiness is a feeling. i've managed to confuse sex and love somewhere in there. i think after my ex(lou)...i substituted sex for love....and somewhere along the way to now....i've confused those two feelings....and love just fell through the cracks somewhere along the way. and its gone
i feel so...impossible. like everything that i want to say contradicts everything that i just said.
so take that with a grain of salt. or whatever. do whatever the fuck you want. i think maybe i shouldnt write in here. i do it for me. but it never really does anything for me, except maybe organize the insanity of my thoughts. but organization doesnt really solve anything at all. it makes me realize how complex i am, and how i want completely different things all at once. i am completely different things all at once. so what the hell am i doing.
