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Dreamyeyed's blog: "Ramblin"

created on 03/22/2007  |  http://fubar.com/ramblin/b66982

DR. DAVE.... LOL

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go, Dave." But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering: Dave............................... Dave...................... Dave........... You're a Veterinarian, you sick bastard"
Dear Wife: I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for seven years, and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today, and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal, and even wore a brand-new pair of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone. Your EX-Husband P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life! Dear Ex-Husband - Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a girl!" Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica . But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care. Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell and Free! P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister "Carla" was born "Carl." I hope that's not a problem.

SECOND OPINIONS!

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see...size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit; it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck." Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" " Been in the business 60 years." Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure." The salesman said, "Let's see...size 36." Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache." New suit - $400 New shirt - $36 New underwear - $6 Second opinion - PRICELESS

Redneck Medical Terms

Benign....................What you be after you be eight. Bacteria..................Back door to cafeteria. Barium....................What you do with dead folks. Cesarean Section.....A neighborhood in Rome. Catscan...................Searching for the cat. Cauterize.................Made eye contact with her. Colic........................A sheep dog. Coma......................A punctuation mark. D&C........................Where Washington is. Dilate......................To live longer than your kids do. Enema....................Not a friend. Fester.....................Quicker than someone else. Fibula......................A small lie. G.I.Series................World Series of military baseball. Hangnail........... ......What you hang your coat on. Impotent.................Distinguished, well known. Labor Pain...............Getting hurt at work. Morbid....................A higher offer than I bid. Nitrates..................Cheaper than day rates. Medical Staff...........A Doctor's cane, sometimes shown with a snake. Node......................I knew it. Outpatient..............A person who has fainted. Pap Smear..............A fatherhood test. Pelvis.....................Second cousin to Elvis. Post Operative........A letter carrier. Recovery Room.......Place to do upholstery. Secretion................Hiding something Tablet.....................A small table to change babies on. Seizure...................Roman emperor who lived in the Ceasarean Section. Terminal Illness.......Getting sick at the train station. Tumor.....................More than one. Urine......................Opposite of mine. Varicose.................Near by.

13 THINGS PMS STANDS FOR

1. PASS MY SHOTGUN 2. PSYCHOTIC MOOD SWING 3. PERPETUAL MUNCHING SPREE 4. PUFFY MID-SECTION 5. PEOPLE MAKE me SICK 6. PROVIDE ME with SWEETS 7. PARDON MY SOBBING 8. PIMPLES MAY SURFACE 9. PASS MY SWEATS 10. PISSY MOOD SYNDROME 11. POOR MEN SUCK 12. PACK MY STUFF MY FAVORITE ONE 13. POTENTIAL MURDER SUSPECT
After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another Man on her nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry.. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks. "No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend, then?" he continues. "No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear. "Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be Reassured. "No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!" she answers. "Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands. "That's me before the surgery."
No one believes seniors ... everyone thinks they are senile. An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally." On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - $50,000. Andy said, "We've got to give it back." Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic. The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on the door. "Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?" Sally said, "No." Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic." Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile." The agents turn to Andy and began to question him. One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning." Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday." The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here ...!"

I LOVE STATISTICS

A study found that the average American walks about 900 miles per year. Another study by the American Beer Institute found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year. This means, on average, Americans get approximately 41 miles per gallon. Not bad!! I love statistics!

WOMEN'S ASS STUDY

WOMEN'S ASS SIZE STUDY. There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses, the results were pretty interesting: 30% of women think their ass is too fat... 10% of women think their ass is too skinny... The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and they wouldn't trade him for the world.

LOL AT THIS ONE!!

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue, and yellow. The old man just stared. Every time the young man looked, the old man was staring. The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old-timer? Never done anything wild in your life?" Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
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