MfKn Big Daddy Matt's blog: "Questions"

I realize that no-one probably reads this, and I guess I am just trying to get my thoughts out as clearly as possible, so maybe I can understand something that is going on in my life. I've recently broken up with someone who I thought would be the one....but I screwed things up, and I made mistakes, and so the relationship has been ended. I understand that I bear the responsibility for the ending of our relationship. But  I am still left with lots of unanswered questions because of this break-up, and the treatment I've received from this person. I care for her deeply, and thought that she cared for me, but I really don't think she ever really did. I think maybe she was in love with the idea of being in love, in love with the thought of someone caring for her so deeply they would give their own life in order to preserve hers. But again, I made the mistakes, and the relationship ended because of my mistakes.....but lets start back at the beginning.



When we first got together, I had asked her about her relationship with certain guys who were always texting her on her phone, and she replied that they were just friends and that it was all completely innocent.I asked her if she had ever had a more than just friends type relationship with either of these guys, and she stated that she used to date one of them, but the other one was just a friend of her ex boyfriend. I believed her. Then later on, she let me use her phone, and while I was using it, text messages came from these "friends" and they were not of an innocent nature, so me being the enquiring mind, I looked at the recent texts from these guys, and found that at some point in the recent months before the beginning of my relationship with her, she had told these guys--both of them--that she loved them and wanted to spend her life with them, and had also had very adult rated text messages going back and forth between her and these two separate guys. I confronted her about it, because I felt like she had lied to me completely, and she replied back that I had no right to go thru her phone like that, and it was all in the past, and they were really just friends now...but the non innocent messages kept coming from these guys. And she did nothing to stop them or even let them know she was in a relationship with a guy and did would appreciate if these guys would stop sending her messages of that nature. It turns out also, that she had dated both of these guys, not just the one that she had admitted to, but she said I would never have found out that she lied had I not snooped, and she lied because she was only trying to protect my feelings.....I had a very hard time trusting her after this information came to light, but I tried. One of these guys also did happen to be friends with an ex boyfriend of hers, and this guy--I'll say his name is Jason--was friends with an ex-boyfriend of hers--lets say the ex's name is Jack--who at some point in their relationship had, on more than one or two occasions, gotten her very drunk, drugged her, and gang-raped her, and then video taped the whole thing and made her watch it the next morning, telling her what a whore she was for letting it happen to her. Just knowing what these guys did to her made me hate them and I told her that I think they are both trash and she should never talk to them again. It was not my place to tell her that, but it is really what I said and how I still feel today.....

So now we come to the part of my massive screw-up. I have some emotional issues, baggage if you will, from my past. These issues cause me to constantly seek approval or appreciation from members of my opposite sex. I am constantly being told that I am a flirt--yet I don't actually flirt to bring on sexual advances, I flirt because I want to feel special, attractive, desirable. I would never actually act on these flirtations, if someone were to want to take it further, I would run away, because I am a bit of an insecure idiot. I just want to feel like I am good enough, attractive enough, etc. I have some rejection/insecurity issues, and I am working on getting better, but none-the-less, I did some things that screwed up my relationship with this woman. I felt like she was slipping away from me, working all the time, never really wanting to "talk" to me, or be intimate with me. and I started seeking approval else-where. I started talking on the phone on one of those "chat-lines"...just to set the record straight, it was not phone sex, it was just like...talking to people, mostly women, but some guys as well...just about whatever. Life, family, friends, what we like to do for fun, etc. I started talking to people on these lines, because I felt like I had no-one else to talk to, and because someone was listening, someone was laughing at my lame sense of humor, someone was going through the same sort of things I was--needing someone to talk to, needing to feel listened to, etc. Well, SHE found out about it, and confronted me, and I didn't deny it, but she felt like I had been lying to her, seeking a relationship with someone other than her, and so...the relationship was ended. Done,...she says she cannot trust me for what I did to her.....


So, now...the questions I have are unanswered, and because of my self-esteem issues, I am perplexed. She still talks to the ex-boyfriend "jack", she tells me she hates me and never wants to see me again, never wants to talk to me again, that she can never trust me again. When I talk to her, I ask her "What I did was make a mistake, and I have been honest about it, and it will not ever happen again, I don't need to talk to other people on a chat line if I can talk to you, like we can have conversations that are meaningful, but what HE did to you was beyond belief...I mean..people get thrown into prison for doing what he did to you, yet you can still be very nice and decent to him, beyond decent, actually be his friend, and talk to him about life, dreams, goals, etc..but when you talk to me, you plainly show me how much you dislike me, how much you wish I would have never met you, and how eager you are to be done talking to me, forever. How is what I did so much less deserving of your forgiveness than what he and his friend "jason" did? How can he be allowed to even be in your life, yet I plead and beg for your forgiveness, tell you and try to show you how much I regret my mistakes, but all you continue to do is treat me like shit, like scum, like I don't deserve to be forgiven?" and she replies that she doesn't need to explain herself to me, that I don't deserve an explanation, and she can choose to be nice to whoever she wants and there is nothing I can do or say about it...which is all true...but my question is....What is worse??? The things this guy and his friends did--which honestly people get thrown into prison for doing--or what I did, which was bad, but not nearly as horrible as the physical things that were done to her by this guy and his friends....Should I just forget about this girl, who my son had started to call Momma, and just move on, let her be treated like shit by guys who I know will continue to treat her like shit and laugh at her expense? or should I stick it out, wait, and hope that she comes around?? Or should I just drop her, forget her, and remind myself that she lied to me also, and what I did was pretty much on the same level as what she was doing, yet she wants me to let her indescretion slide, but hold mine over my head like I am the most worthless piece of shit on the planet??

Should I be heartbroken and hope for her and I to get back together? Or should i just get over it and move on?