David Webb's blog: "Questions"

3 Things To Think About... 1. THE COWS 2. THE CONSTITUTION 3. THE TEN COMMANDMENTS ON COWS: Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give em all a cow ON THE CONSTITUTION: They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq , why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years and we're not using it anymore. ON THE TEN COMMANDMENTS: The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse........ You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery", and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians -- it creates a hostile work environment.

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons: * I do physical labor. * I work at great depths. * I plunge headfirst into everything I do. * I do not get weekends or holidays off. * I work in a damp environment. * I work ina dark area with poor ventilation. * I work in an area with high temperatures. * My work exposes me to contagious diseases. Sincerely, The Penis *** Dear Mr. Penis, After assessing your request and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons: * You do not work eight hours straight. * You fall asleep after brief work periods. * You do not always follow the orders of the management team. * You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations. * You do not take initiative. * You need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working. * You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift. * You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing. * You will retire well before you are 65. * You are unable to work double shifts. * You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task. And if that were not enough, you are constantly seen entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags. Sincerely, The Management

There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except.... and he stopped. "Except what?" the man asked. "Nothing, nothing." "C'mon, tell me! I need something!" "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick.'" "So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked. The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!" The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there quiescent once more. "I'll take it!" said the businessman. The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy." He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone. After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing. The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yeah, right.. Voodoo dick, my ass!"

If a chronic liar tells you he is a chronic liar do you believe him? If sour cream is past its expiration date is it good then? If a tree falls in the forest without anyone there, does it still make a sound? Do the other trees make fun of it? If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be? If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes? If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress? If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"? If Superglue is so good why doesn't it stick to the inside of the tube? If the folks at the psychic hotlines were really psychic, wouldn't they call you first? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? If women ran the Pentagon, would missiles and submarines be shaped differently? If you have a friend who works for the Psychic Friends Network, do you plan a surprise birthday party for them? If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success? If the "black box" survives every plane crash, why not make the entire plane out of that stuff?

Did Adam and Eve have navels? Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car, he sticks his head out the window! Do one legged ducks swim in circles? Do atheists get insurance for acts of God? Do vegetarians eat animal crackers? Does anybody ever vanish with a trace? How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him? How come you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead? How does a shelf salesman keep his store from looking empty? How fast do you have to go to keep up with the sun so you're never in darkness? How is the handicapped parking situation handled at the Special Olympics? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another? If a mute child swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap? If a synchronized swimmer drowns, does her partner also have to drown? If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow? If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? How many people thought of the Post-It note before it was invented but just didn't have anything to jot it down on? If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes? Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii? Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing? Why do they call them "apartments" when they are all stuck together? Why do "tug" boats push their barges? Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways? Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game", when we are already there? Why do people without a watch look at their wrist when you ask them what time it is? Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing? Why do we say things "go off" when they are actually turning on? Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing? Why don't you ever see baby crows or pigeons?

If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into? Instead of talking to your plants, if you yell at them would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure? Isn't it a little scary that a doctor's work is called practice? Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims? Shouldn't it be called a "near hit" rather than a "near miss"? There are 24 hours in a day, and 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man? What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free? When you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it? Why is there an eject button on the VCR remote? Don't you have to get up to get to the tape? Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?

Why is it building "buildings", shouldn't they be called a "built" when completed? Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist? Why is it called "after dark", when it is really after light? Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio? Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons? Why is Mickey Mouse bigger than his dog Pluto? Why is there only one commission that determines monopolies? Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they know you don't have? What's another word for thesaurus? What's another word for synonym? What is the speed of dark? What do you do when you discover and an endangered animal that only eats endangered plants? Why are there Braille signs on drive-up ATM's? Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?