true scotsman's blog: "please enter read :-)"

Turn that bloody music down, My head is spinning round Have you no consideration when you're blasting out that sound? I think they call it Hip Hop, But me, I call it crap The bass it sounds so bloody loud, It gives me a heart attack, You haven't cooked the dinner, Or tidied up your room If you don't sort this mess right out, You get to leave home soon! Makeup on the bedroom floor, Dirty washing in a pile I gave up clearing after her, It's just not worth my while. And what is that you're wearing? It's my brand new bloody skirt You can take it off right now my lass, And get rid of that smirk! So you've looked all through my wardrobes, And what else have you stolen? And I suppose you've nicked my tights again, Now that yours are full of holes, I thought I smelt my perfume, You've got a bloody cheek And I bet you've used my hairspray, You know, the one I bought last week, You're always taking liberties, You don't even ask to borrow Whatever you have nicked tonight, You can give me back tomorrow, And I want it washed and ironed, I've only worn it twice, If I get to wear it after you, Then not ruined, Would be nice! And I suppose you'll want a lift again? And more money from my bank You take the piss right out of me, Now I've no diesel in my tank Well this is the very last time, You can go and ask some other And in future will you please grow up, You're supposed to be my MOTHER !!!

A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a nice restaurant and buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine. On the way home, he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot. They start necking and he's getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin and wants to stay that way. "Well, okay," he says, "how about a blow job?" "Yuck!" she screams. "I'm not putting that thing in my mouth!" He says, "Well, then, how about a hand job?" "I've never done that," she says. "What do I have to do?" "Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?" She nods. "Well, it's just like that." So, he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ear and he screams out in pain. "What's wrong?!" she cries out. "Take your thumb off the end!!"

For years and years they told me, Be careful of your breasts. Don't ever squeeze or bruise them, And give them monthly tests. So I heeded all their warnings, And protected them by law. Guarded them very carefully, And I always wore my bra. After 30 years of astute care, My gyno, Dr. Pruitt, Said I should get a Mammogram, "O.K.," I said, "let's do it." "Stand up here real close" she said, (She got my boob in line), "And tell me when it hurts," she said, "Ah yes! Right there, that's fine." She stepped upon a pedal. I could not believe my eyes! A plastic plate came slamming down, My hooter's in a vise! My skin was stretched and mangled, From underneath my chin. My poor boob was being squashed, To Swedish Pancake thin. Excruciating pain I felt, Within it's vise-like grip. A prisoner in this vicious thing, My poor defenseless tit! "Take a deep breath" she said to me, Who does she think she's kidding?!? My chest is mashed in her machine And woozy I am getting. "There, that's good," I heard her say, (The room was slowly swaying.) "Now, let's have a go at the other one." Have mercy, I was praying. It squeezed me from both up and down, It squeezed me from both sides. I'll bet SHE'S never had this done, To HER tender little hide. Next time that they make me do this, I will request a blindfold, I have no wish to see again, My knockers getting steamrolled. If I had no problem when I came in, I surely have one now. If there had been a cyst in there, It would have gone "ker-pow"! This machine was created by a man, Of this, I have no doubt. I'd like to stick his balls in there, And see how THEY come out.

It can be shocking, the things you view when switching on the old Tv, There's gardening, sport and drama there for all to see. With fashion tips and makeovers and various things cosmetic Most subjects are revealed from the usual to esoteric! But switching on the other day made me stop and stare For peering right back at me was springy pubic hair. The topic of the show was about female thoughts and whims Covering the subject (excuse the pun) of bald or hairy quims. This subject was new to me; I really had no notion Of the choice between the wax, razor blade or pungent potion. It seems the women of the world really do appear to care, As they ponder on the choices, leave it hairy or strip it bare! Whilst it seems that man's chin needs a frequent trim One questions can the same apply, to a womans quim? Imagine being very brave, not the least bit chary And letting loose those follicles, leaving pussy thick and hairy? This statement's made in isolation, creating thoughts of insulation As it conjures up the weirdest thought; one you may find find scarey Girls parading in woollen knickers, just like the Rastafari! Picture trendy double knit knicks looking like colourful hats Covering those gorgeous, sexy but sweaty twats ... Twat is such a horrid word, with no promise of sunny climes But as you will appreciate, it's one that clearly rhymes. Here's a further surreal suggestion for one and all to ponder, Imagine hair extensions complete with beads, as worn by Stevie Wonder My musings are disrupted by the thought of a hairy gorgon Trying hard to do her thing on Little Stevie's organ. This topic is a varied one; my ideas are becoming lax, Would I prefer the razor to the slapping on of wax? Bald or hairy I have learnt in the process of geting older, Matters not to man nor beast, but to the eye of the beholder. So I remain confused, mixed up, monitoring the subject from every angle, As I ponder about the G spot, sex and love as I picture that erotic triangle. The subject is a quirky one but I hope you will agree, That bald or hairy quims are always a lovely sight to see!

Mary had a little lamb Her father shot it dead. Now it goes to school with her, between two chunks of bread. Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet, her clothes all tattered and torn. It wasn't the spider that crept beside her, But Little Boy Blue and his horn. Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. All the kings horses and all the kings men, said "F*ck him, He's only an egg. Georgie Porgy pudding and pie. Kissed the girls and made them cry. When the boys came out to play, He kissed them too, cause he was gay. Jack and Jill Went up the hill to have some hanky panky. Silly Jill forgot her pill And now there's little Franky. Old Mother Hubbard Went to the cupboard to fetch her poor dog a bone. When she bent over Rover took over, And gave her a bone of his own. Little Boy Blew. Hey. He needed the money. Mary had a little skirt with splits right up the sides and every time that Mary walked the boys could see her thighs Mary had another skirt twas split right up the front and every time that Mary walked the boys could see her ...... (but she didn't wear that one very often)

She whispered "will it hurt me?" "Of course not" answered he "It's a very simple process, You can rely on me." She said "I'm very frightened, I've not had this before. My friend has had it five times And said it can be sore." It was growing rather painful Tears formed in her eyes It was hurting quite a bit now It must have been a size. "Calm yourself" he whispered "His face filled with a grin "Try and open wider So I can get it in." "It's coming now" he whispered "I know" she cried in bliss Feeling it deep within her now She said "I am glad I'm having this." And with a final effort She gave a frightened shout He gripped it in anguish And quickly pulled it out. She lay back quite contended Sighed and gave a smile She said "I'm glad I came now You made it worth my while." Now if you read this carefully The dentist you will find Is not what you imagined It's just your dirty mind!!

The art of farting is practiced by many, perfected by few. Perfecting the art of farting is a somewhat long, difficult but rewarding road to travel down. It is the symphony of foods and body function that causes this reaction we all long to occur. This guide teaches you the methods and mind set used by some of the worlds leading fartology organizations. 1. Your mood will play a major role in farting. Having an "I can't do it!" frame of mind will not accomplish anything. When it comes down to those final moments when its release or hold time, you just have to repeat again and again, "Just let it happen... its ok..." 2. Diet is another heavy influencer. If you're a grazer (or vegetarian as they preferred to be called) you're partly on your way. If you're older and are using shit assistance substances such as prune juice, you too have a good start. The real winners are your average North American men. Statistically Sunday is prime time nation wide for fart releases. Not only fart releases, but the cream of the crop, wake up the neighbours farts. Why is this? Have a look at the diet of a typical American male aged between 20 and 30 watching football on TV... Peanuts, chips, beer, can someone say, fart city? Its about evaluating your diet, removing the foods that don't assist farting, and focusing on the ones that do. 3. Important, yet largely unexplored scientifically is the fart event position and location. These two variables can make or break a fart taking it from a stellar world class event, down to an unmentionable discouragement. Try telling a world class pianist that they must perform standing, or telling a tuba player he must lay down during their performance. Farting is no different, it requires positioning that best maximizes the bodies ability to expel gas. Location of the fart event sets the scene and adds emotions such as amusement (elevator farts), excitement (bus farts) and challenge (church farts). Lets travel forth and delve into the world of position and location... Leg Lift "Elevator" Position Standing upright with a slight curve to the back, lift either leg (almost like doing the jig, except with your leg off to the side - never to the front) and allow the fart event to occur. This one is by far the most popular. Ranked best position for elevator farts for its ability to expel farts quickly and accurately between floors. The signature of a leg lifter in an elevator is the smile of glee on their face as they exit, as you unknowingly enter. Pros: Amusement of only being able to guess how many floors the unknowing new occupants must endure. High buildings that you will most likely not visit again are a bonus. Cons: After a successful execution of the fart, you leave the elevator and the unknowing others enter, which is fine. However, you realize you are on the wrong floor and must re-enter the same elevator. Truly a bad call. "Imperial" Throne Position Just a reminder that your mind associates this position with a lack of bodily control. This one involves sitting, squatting or bending down into a huddled position. Some of the worlds most fermented and catastrophic farts were achieved using this very position. Think of it as a game of leap frog, but without the leaping (or at least voluntarily). Pros: Incredible leverage, captures the true potential of the fart. Cons: Similar to when taking a shit, which could confuse mind and cause "dyer" consequences. This one in the car in a new suit on route to a job interview is not recommended. Wal-Mart Fart Position There have been so many reports of this position and its success of creating "brown air" that have won it accolades world wide. Shop as you normally would at Wal-Mart. Locate a desired purchase (at least the weight of say, a clothes detergent box) at the bottom shelf in an unoccupied isle. As you are lifting the heavy load in a squatting position, let the magic happen. You will be pleasantly surprised. At first you may point out the similarities to the throne position, but you will be in awe by what the additional weight load achieves. Weight lifters doing squats after a heavy meal know how well weight can affect fartage potency and volume. Pros: Due to the narrow, almost encapsulating design of the isles, farts can remain lingering for hours after initial production. Many more people can enjoy their shopping due to your efforts versus the leg lift position. Cons: Eager and usually frantic discount shoppers change isles with a furor only matched by 9am shoppers at a department store boxing day blow out sale. This can result in a by standard surprise attack and the very terrible mission abort consequence. Power Arching Lean your hands onto a counter top or table (or if available, hang onto your towel rack) while arching your back. If this is difficult for you to visualize, think back to your last visit to the car repair shop. Similar to the "ass pounding" position you take when getting the quote to have your car's transmission replaced. Power arching is excellent for "customer service" counters at department stores; local Radio Shack stores when reaching over and examining an expensive and ridiculous keychain that has a flashlight, time telling in 12 languages, compass and calculator all in one; a supermarket you do not usually visit. Pros: The arching of the back allows your power conduit to be fully utilized. Less conspicuous than the Throne Position. Cons: A warning to people with small houses or apartments: power arching in the small confines of a room in your house has been known to cause carpet, wall and even ceiling damage. Even more so, lasting damage to newly blossoming relationships with girlfriends and not so blossoming marriages. All positions and locations have their pros and cons, it is the duty of an aspiring fart master to leverage the situations and environments available to him or her. With a bit of thoughtful planning you can start off the day with some power arching in the library; do a bit of leg lifting at the food court for lunch; and wind up the day with an all out assault on your senses with a satisfying throne position fart in the car on the way home. Remember, its all about position, location and a "can-do" attitude!