I don't get it. I really don't get it.
How can people do what they do to themselves and others? Are they so insecure? Are they so pathetic? Are they so weak?
I know I'm talking about people from the outside. I'm outside myself right now: just an observer in this strange place. I am included in these criticisms, and it hurts... As much as I can hurt the way my emotions work.
First a summation of events:
I went to a party. I knew it would start fun and that I would meet new people, as parties should be. I also knew that by the evening's end, at least one friend, old or new, would make themselves sick. I accepted this and played the role of the caretaker, as I often feel compelled to do. The host took over these duties, which was new to me, as I've often been the host indirectly. He seemed irritable and under some influence himself, but I trusted his judgment. Sure enough, my friend was taken care of and brought back to his own room, as it should be, assuming his roommates were willing and able to look out for his well-being for the remainder of the night. I soon returned with other friends to their room. Some of the party goers came to the room and met looks of instant rejection, as they had alcohol in hand. After a time, one of them spilled his drink, ejecting himself and the other party goers from the room. Soon I fell asleep, was woken up, and decided to go back to the house to sleep. Going down the elevator, I encountered the host of the party, who convinced me with some effort to spend some more time in the apartments. After giving it some time, I found myself bored, bothered and tired, then continued back to the house. On my way back, I was taunted by someone holding a UGA license plate. I came across two guys cursing someone on the other side of the bushes in uncreative ways. While walking past the sororities, I heard the babbling of drunk girls with at least one male in the group. I finally arrived at the house, relaxed awhile, and decided to write this.
Now for the details of these events and why they've bothered me:
I held an interesting discussion with my friend while he was sick, lying in the tub. He supposed that the "wonderful feeling" the excessive amounts of alcohol would give him the confidence with which to get a girl in bed. This objective is of an amazingly high priority to him, and although he has some surprising skills in the art of interaction and attraction, he has met little to no success. The concept of alcohol allowing him to be successful in this area was so immensely strong that it sickened me, though I played it off with laughter. Even while puking, he was still laughing and smiling as a jovial bachelor would. He didn't notice he had vomited on me and all over the host's bathroom until later. When he did realize this, he apologized still with the smile and continued with his antics. When the host came in to take care of my sickly friend, it was with a great deal of irritation and dominance. It frightened me, as this behavior wasn't normal of him at all, but I still trusted him.
When the party goers came to the apartment we retreated to, I was again struck with negativity. Unfortunately, I was very guilty of the rejection that took place. When the drink was spilled, towels were thrown to clean the mess, and I began to wash the towels as the party goers were leaving. I am now disgusted with the fact that I felt a superiority to them as they left. I had no reason to, and it was unjust.
Upon finding the host in the elevator when first attempting to return to the house, it didn't seem he would accept no for an answer when he told me to spend more time with him and his friends in the apartments. This added to the irritable and domineering feelings I felt from him when he was tending to my sickly friend. As I am slow to see such things, when we had returned to his room and he entered into a discussion, I realized his being under the influence changed his character. I then left, after the host coerced me to borrow his jacket, for which I am thankful, but his manner greatly jolted me.
By the time I ran into the taunting man, I was angered/disappointed/whatever you will to the point of near numbness. He placed the UGA license plate in my face as he passed by, saying some sort of insult that I fail to remember. I responded with a simple, quiet, yet firm "suck it" and continued. He began calling me a "faggot", "loser" and a number of other names to which I responded with saying he was pathetic, wasting his time, and not being worth my effort as I continued to walk. The more I walked, the more I thought I should have stopped and verbally beaten him down, which also bothered me.
Again while walking, two men were calling someone behind the bushes similar names the UGA one used. I could tell they were serious and wondered what could cause them to be filled with such malice.
While the drunken girls and guy were walking behind me, I couldn't help but think they were weak, pathetic sluts, similar to the type of people I had encountered earlier that evening. I didn't even hear a decent portion of their conversation or look at them.
Why do people wish to change themselves in these ways with alcohol, even though they know the consequences? Why do people act the way they do when under the influence? What causes people to find such pleasure in being so malignant and hostile? What causes us to make rash, unjustified conclusions? What causes us to be so closed-minded? Why do we have such a huge focus on sex? Why do men have such an obsession with macho-ism? Why do we have to attack each other to feel better about ourselves? Why don't people more often accept people before rejecting them?
Realizing these things, why do I still do them?
I can think of answers to some of these questions, but they don't satisfy me.
If this is something common of humanity,
then I don't want to be human.
