>
> > ONLY A GUY WOULD DO THIS!
> >
> >
> > Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the
> > wife.
> >
> > A guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket
> >
> > Taser" for their anniversary submitted this...
> >
> >
> > Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol
> >
> > & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The
> > occasion
> >
> > was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a
> >
> > little "something extra" for my wife Toni. What
> > I came
> >
> > across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized
> > taser.
> >
> > The effects of the taser were supposed to be
> > short
> >
> > lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
> >
> > assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat
> > to
> >
> > safety.... WAY TOO COOL!
> >
> >
> > Long story short, I bought the device and
> > brought it home.
> >
> > I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn
> > thing and pushed
> >
> > the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I
> > learned, however,
> >
> > that if I pushed the button AND pressed it
> > against flesh or
> >
> > a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the
> > blue arch of
> >
> > electricity darting back and forth between the
> > prongs.
> >
> >
> > Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to
> >
> > explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the
> > face
> >
> > of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with
> >
> > this new toy, thinking to myself that it
> > couldn't be
> >
> > all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,
> > right?!!!
> >
> >
> > There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie
> >
> > looking on intently (trusting little soul) while
> > I
> >
> > was reading the directions and thinking that I
> >
> > really needed to try this thing out on a flesh &
> >
> > blood moving target. I must admit I thought
> > about
> >
> > zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and
> >
> > thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.
> > But,
> >
> > if I was going to give this thing to my wife to
> >
> > protect herself against a mugger, I did want
> > some
> >
> > assurance that it would work as advertised.
> >
> > Am I wrong?
> >
> >
> > So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank
> >
> > top with my reading glasses perched delicately
> > on
> >
> > the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand,
> > and
> >
> > taser in another. The directions said that a
> >
> > one-second burst would shock and disorient your
> >
> > assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to
> > cause
> >
> > muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily
> > control; a
> >
> > three-second burst would purportedly make your
> >
> > assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
> >
> > water. Any burst longer than three seconds would
> > be
> >
> > wasting the batteries.
> >
> >
> > All the while I'm looking at this little device
> > measuring
> >
> > about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in
> > circumference;
> >
> > pretty cute really (and loaded with two itsy,
> > bitsy triple-a
> >
> > batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible
> > way!"
> >
> >
> > What happened next is almost beyond description,
> > but I'll do my best...
> >
> >
> > I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on
> >
> > with her head cocked to one side as to say,
> > "don't
> >
> > do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst
> >
> > from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt
> > all
> >
> > that bad.. I decided to give myself a one-second
> >
> > burst just for the heck of it. I touched the
> > prongs
> >
> > to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY
> >
> > MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!
> >
> > ( %&) (# %) (*#*)!!!
> >
> >
> > I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through
> >
> > the side door, picked me up in the recliner and
> > then
> >
> > body slammed us both on the carpet over and over
> > and
> >
> > over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my
> > side in
> >
> > the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body
> >
> > soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
> > nowhere
> >
> > to be found, with my left arm tucked under my
> > body
> >
> > in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.
> > The
> >
> > cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I
> >
> > had never heard before, licking my face,
> > undoubtedly
> >
> > thinking to herself, "Do it again, do it again!"
> >
> >
> > Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug"
> >
> > yourself with a taser, one note of caution:
> >
> > THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A ONE-SECOND BURST
> >
> > when you zap yourself!!!
> >
> > You will not let go of that thing until it
> >
> > is dislodged from your hand by a violent
> > thrashing
> >
> > about on the floor. A three second burst would
> > be
> >
> > considered conservative.
> >
> >
> > That hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later
> >
> > (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing
> > at that point),
> >
> > collected my wits (what little I had left),
> >
> > sat up and surveyed the landscape.
> >
> > My bent glasses were on the mantel of the
> > fireplace.
> >
> > How did they up get there???
> >
> > My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were
> >
> > still twitching. My face felt like it had been
> > shot
> >
> > up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88
> > lbs.
> >
> > I'm still looking for my testicles and offering
> > a
> >
> > significant reward for their safe return.
