Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else's can shorten it.
-- Cullen Hightower
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It is the funniest joke in the world.
-- George Bernard Shaw
i got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.
If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing.
Whose cruel idea was it to put an "S" in the word "Lisp"?
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Middle age is when your broad mind and narrow waist begin to change places.
Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.
Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories.
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
